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Unfair parent perk

sozforhappysozforhappy LondonPosts: 123 The Mix convert
edited March 1 in Sex & Relationships
It's so unfair that parents in general feel that they don't need to tell off and lecture kids that are not they're own simply cuz of that but they can tell me off constantly and be harsh simply cuz I am and blame me for everything. Like when I'm fighting with a peer and my parents don't want to hear that it was their fault and deserved my anger and just be mad at me simply cuz the other person isn't their child, or when we me and a friend are messing around and I'm the only one that gets told off for making a racket, or having a go at me for missing job recruitment invitations when the employer phoned me up saying they will give me an email when they didn't and getting their instincts wrong on professionals always being resourceful and blaming me for that, even feeling that they don't need to tell my cousin's off or order them around when they happen to be children of their siblings and family too. The whole "not telling off guests" rule is nuts and there mustn't be a such thing as "other people's kids", after all we didn't choose our parents and every person is human hence must be corrected or treated with leniency depending on their regardless of whether they are family or your own children. I hate hearing the fact that parents know you all too well and didn't raise other children like you. As I said before they may know me all too well but they never understand me, and again we can't help that they raised us and anyone can take care of you whether they're ur parents or not. I find my friend of the family more of a mum than my own mum is. And a few of my mum's friends have told me off and lectured me a few times when I was younger, and my mum herself is kind of strict on my cousins cuz they're always procrastinating and fighting and being stubborn (even worse than me :#  )

Comments

  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 97 Moderator
    Hey @sozforhappy

    You raise a very real, and frustrating, point that I am sure many of us have all experienced in our time. As a child, or rather a young person beginning to develop in this world, the first and strongest exposure we get to authority is our parents. We don't get spoken to by the government, nor by the police, or by any other stately figures of authority. However, we do always get an ear full from our parents; and a natural way to react to authority - as someone new to the world of order and rules - is to question the status quo. 

    As much as it is arbitrary that your parents are your parents, it is also completely deterministic that your parents are your parents. Parents are just people at the end of the day, and you may well end up being a parent yourself, and your child may feel equally unfairly positioned as your child - I know I felt this unfairness when I was growing up. But the relationship of a child and a parent is such a potentially incredible one that it seems immature and wasteful to squander it. 

    Hopefully you and your parents will know each other for plenty more decades to come. So imagine, by the time you reach 50 years old, how many years you will have known, spoken with, disagreed with, supported, and been supported by, your parents. By the time you are 50 there won't be many people you will have known and held a relationship with as long as your parents, and imagine how fulfilling that relationship could be if you push pass this initial point of tension and conflict. Would you not like to see what your relationship with your parents can become once you start perceiving them as their own people and not so much as parents?

    You may completely disagree with me but I think this is a very interesting topic, and one that is best treated with a perspective that is aware of how many years we have to come in the future. Hope you appreciate my opinion :)
    chubbydumplingLucy307
  • sozforhappysozforhappy LondonPosts: 123 The Mix convert
    edited March 2
    No way am I ever becoming a parent, I just wanna live on my own and stay single forever so there's no one bullying me and being mean to me in any way and making rules against me (I wanna avoid treating kids the way I didn't like my parents treating me. No offence but I hate when people point out I'll be the same way as I'm not planning to have kids). Plus my point is about parents only telling off and being harsh on their own kids and not anyone elses. Like I said I never chose for them to give birth to me and raise me up. Why do the most important people have to be the most horrible people? It's not how they are that matters, it's how they treat me (I never do anything bad on purpose or directly). Yes they're still humans so it's my choice who I love and hate most in the world depending on how I feel about them and how they treat me regardless of who they are and character is no reason for being cruel. I hate hearing that they're harsh talking and deliberate misunderstanding of how I think is for my own good and out of wanting what's best. It's not the best or for my own good if their attitude upsets me. 

    Reminder, when I'm upset about something I won't take being told what's what and lectured and have stuff said against me. You don't need to bother about agreeing or disagreeing with me in this case, just don't agree with who or whatever I'm angry with and take everything I say and make me feel that the problem will stop. I've had enough of unpleasant responses to my problems! And go against what I'm angry with instead of going against me myself. The last thing i want to be told is I'm the problem.
  • sozforhappysozforhappy LondonPosts: 123 The Mix convert
    edited March 3
    My mums cousin, my second aunt says my parents overregulate whit disciplining me and she's all too right. They threatened to do worse things to me when I was younger if I misbehaved in their eyes, including physical abuse and send me away out of the country. You've no right to go against me and agree with my nasty bullying unfair parents, as the conditions on responding to me being upset mentioned above. You're meant to be counselling, not criticising and reprimanding. Plus I tell the aforementioned friend of the family everything, unlike to my own mum, and she always tries to have my back and be counselling by imagining being in my shoes and never blaming me for the problem and not make reality sound so ugly regardless of what's happening in her own life, that's what counselling is. Whereas my mum just says I'm too sensitive and ought to stand up for myself and it's my own fault if people are mean to me cuz I daydream a lot and don't like communicating with people and make a habit of being unaware of my surroundings and unintentionally ignoring when people talk to me and I do stuff for my own pleasure that doesn't harm others directly, that's a reason I hate sharing my problems with her.

    [edited by moderator]
  • sozforhappysozforhappy LondonPosts: 123 The Mix convert
    edited March 3
    Thinking they can discipline me harshly and blame me for everything and do so to other children nicely and let them get away with things that are their really their fault when I fight with them just because they're not their own kids and I am! Soooo unfair, again like we don't choose them as parents they don't choose their kids hence everyone must be disciplined equally, they're own kids or not. Parents don't own us, i can't help that they raised me up and gave birth to me unlike to other kids. It's not about who they are and loving me, it's about how they treat me. Tough love sucks! 

    [edited by moderator]
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 1,852 Staff Moderator
    Hey @sozforhappy

    I've just edited a few of your posts as it's important to be friendly to everyone here, including our moderators (see our guidelines here).

    It sounds like you're feeling quite upset from this response and that's okay. I just wanted to say that no one is blaming you for what you're parents are doing to you. As moderators, we're not counsellors but we are here to listen and try support you in the best way that we can. We are all different in the support we give and sometimes offering another perspective on a situation can be one way we try to support members here. It's completely okay that you're feeling upset by this response and we do appreciate your feedback and will take it on board. 

    I'm sorry to hear you're parents are blaming you for quite a lot of things. It sounds like this has been going on for a while and I can't imagine how hard it is for you having this happen constantly. This can understandably take its toll and I'm sorry to hear how much it's affecting you. It's really nice to hear your mum's cousin has got your back. It's so important to have support like this particularly from our own family. Has she given you much advice on what you can do to try and help things at home? 

    Hope you're feeling okay today <3

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    chubbydumplingLucy307
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 5,228 The Mix Elder
    edited March 4
    You can hate your parents how much you want - even if they are your parents. I really dislike my Mum. Just because shes my mum doesnt mean i need to not hate her. So i agree with you in that sense. 

    But parents will always tell of their own kids off as need to learn what real life would be like. Cause can you imagine doing bad things at home then still thinking its socially accaptable to do them outside. But i do get that there comes to a point where being told off is too much and over done and is controlling  and done in a horrible way which so i do agree that can be wrong and if its done in horrible blaming way - sorry you have to deal with that. As home enviroments affects so much of how you feel.

    But when youre older you views on wanting kids & family may change - i know youre adamant on it tho. Not all families are same

    I agree that parents should be able to tell other kids- of they do something wrong if - their parent wasnt there and that it was reasonable in calm way. But i can see why parent may not want to say may feel not their place to. 
    The moon taught me: its okay to go through phases. 🌙 The sun taught me : no matter how many times you go down, keep rising🌤
  • SkiveSkive No discipline! No morality! No respect! New ForestPosts: 14,931 Part of the furniture
    The last thing i want to be told is I'm the problem.

    I don't think that's something anybody wants to hear, but it doesn't mean there isn't an element of truth to it. Relationship problems are very rarely down to one party.

    Looks like you need to have a chat with your parents explain how you feel, but on the flip side, you may have to show some understanding of their feelings. 

    I'm sure my kids hate me sometimes, but everything I do is for their benefit, including disciplining them. I'm partly responsible for bringing them into this world and it's my responsibility as a parent to ensure they're safe and well prepared for life. That doesn't mean being nice 100% of the time.
    chubbydumpling
  • sozforhappysozforhappy LondonPosts: 123 The Mix convert
    edited March 11
    I mean being harsh and strict for stuff I do unintentionally and saying I make a habit of it when i never see it coming or for stuff I simply like to do at spare times like sleeping in or passively reading and watching TV or things that are mainly their business and not directly to do with me and taking their anger and stress out on me for it like procrastinating house chores (reason I don't wanna marry and have a family ever). Or again for something thats not my fault. If I did bad stuff on purpose then it would make sense they'd have that attitude but I don't. Plus I'm 19, I won't be told off for accidental mistakes and pushed around like a child!
  • SkiveSkive No discipline! No morality! No respect! New ForestPosts: 14,931 Part of the furniture
    It depends on your circumstances. If you're 19 then you're an adult and as such should be taking on adult responsibilities.

    Are you in full-time education or are you working and paying rent?



  • sozforhappysozforhappy LondonPosts: 123 The Mix convert
    Or for stuff that doesn't harm others directly like imitating little kids talking over and over to thin air and sneezing and blowing my nose loudly which people just have to deal with if it hearing it is annoying. Outside the home is a whole different matter in the case of procrastinating and considering others etc so of course I know that much to change my mindset then, whereas at home I just want my own free will and besides people outside can't bother me 24/7 cuz they're not living under the same roof as me. But still I have my own good/bad definitions for example if I feel that cursing and grumbling when I'm angry and being "rude" about who was nasty to me is right or leaving house chores till the end of the day is fine with me then that I shall do. I call my friends friends because they take that.
  • sozforhappysozforhappy LondonPosts: 123 The Mix convert
    edited March 11
    I don't mean to be rude this time but I hate hearing that parents only wants what's best and their shouting and harsh talking is for my own good. It's not good or for the best if it upsets me especially as I never intend to do bad, yet taking it easy on other people's kids simply cuz theyre not theirs to raise. I mean like we didn't choose our parents they don't choose their kids so that's no excuse. I'm supposed to know what's best for myself now I'm an adult! I don't want to be told that it's regardless of how old I am and they can still order me around. They can teach and look out for me in a less nasty and annoying way. It especially pains that that's how Asian parents are, where they come from is no reason for how they treat me either.

    I'm basically on a weekly traineeship but I won't be given work experience until in two weeks so in the meantime I'm also on a weekly part-time job so I can't have any means of moving out yet. Still living under the same roof again isn't an excuse to get mad at me for accidents or my own leisurely business or how I like to do things or force principles on me as if my feelings and opinions don't matter
  • sozforhappysozforhappy LondonPosts: 123 The Mix convert
    Skive said:
    The last thing i want to be told is I'm the problem.

    I don't think that's something anybody wants to hear, but it doesn't mean there isn't an element of truth to it. Relationship problems are very rarely down to one party.

    Looks like you need to have a chat with your parents explain how you feel, but on the flip side, you may have to show some understanding of their feelings. 

    I'm sure my kids hate me sometimes, but everything I do is for their benefit, including disciplining them. I'm partly responsible for bringing them into this world and it's my responsibility as a parent to ensure they're safe and well prepared for life. That doesn't mean being nice 100% of the time.
    I mean as in saying I'm being too sensitive and overreacting and i ought to change my mindset when I'm not the one doing wrong; i never intend to do anything bad or do so directly but people mean to be nasty to me and it is direct. They may say they don't mean to be nasty by having harsh attitude but it's nasty whether they mean it that way or not. Plus they always realise that they're being harsh whereas I never see my clumsy accidental mistakes coming. They just ought to accept that I find surroundings boring and what's in my head more fun is how my brain works and quit being harsh n strict about it.
  • sozforhappysozforhappy LondonPosts: 123 The Mix convert
    I hate sharing my problems with my parents and how I feel about their behaviour cuz they just say it's for my own good and they have every reason to be harsh and get mad me and I'm being too sensitive and accuse me of making habits of the unintentional mistakes. I don't want to care what their reasons are, reasons just make their behaviour carry on when I want it to stop and makes it sound like I'm the problem when again I don't intend to do anything or i just do whatever I like in my spare time or what I do doesn't affect others directly. I so loathe the phrases "for ur own good" and "want what's best". They think they can have such sharp-tongued attitude on me for all they know me so well. They certainly won't understand me like my friends do. I'm not apologising for silly mistakes anymore cuz they always have that approach to it. They should apologise to me for being that way, or at least lay off. I always tell my coordinator back at sixth form (he still let me keep in touch with him) or another family member about this and they speak to my parents on my behalf, as they're either professionals or part of the family they surely don't mind doing that. 

    I know quite a few people who have such intensely close relationships with their parents they practically get in trouble with them. (In novels for instance. Reality just sucks. But my ex-best- friend is a teacher and lovely and kind and took students shortcomings firmly but easily and everyone loved her hence I bet she'd be the same as a parent. Relationships with teachers are quite similar with parents after all)
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling DurhamPosts: 258 Rampant Poster
    Hey @sozforhappy

    Reading through your posts, I can see that you've been struggling with boundary issues with your parents for a while now. You can always come here for a rant- we'll listen. Personally, I don't have a very close relationship with my father, and my mother died when I was very young, so I can understand where you're coming from in some respects. I've mostly kept my private life separate from my dad since I was a teenager. 
  • sozforhappysozforhappy LondonPosts: 123 The Mix convert
    Or being told I'm bringing the problem out on myself by being clumsy and unaware of my surroundings and ought to change my mindset. I can be as upset and angry and rant off all I like and again i never harm anyone directly or intentionally and people just ought to accept my dreamy in-my-own-world ways
  • sozforhappysozforhappy LondonPosts: 123 The Mix convert
    And nagging and lecturing me when I didn't intend anything bad by what I did or saying i constantl let myself down when I try my hardest to do good all the time. And accusing me of making a habit of not listening to them and not being aware of my surroundings when again they just ought to accept that I find my surroundings boring and what's in my head more fun so things will always go in one ear and out the other and my eyes will always skip things naturally and stop being fussy and strict about it. Telling me off for unintentional mistakes is not productive at all and inexcusable. Yet always being fond and jolly with other kids and believing in them. It's not about loving me it's about how they treat me. They intend to tell me off and be harsh which is nasty itself whether they mean to be or not
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