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Am I in a toxic relationship?

I'm really struggling with my relationship with my boyfriend at the moment. There's a lot of different aspects of it that don't sit right with me and make me feel like I don't have an escape route. We've been together for over a month now, and we've seen each other on I think four or five different occasions. The first time, we met as friends. We had been talking online for a few months and he gave me the ultimatum that I either meet him then or we can't talk anymore. He said he wanted more than online friends, he wanted a real life friend. I was very nervous but I didn't want to lose him so I agreed. He lives a few hours away so I stayed for the weekend. For me, it was a just friends situation. But then he said he was in love with me and couldn't be my friend if he wasn't dating me. I felt pressured into agreeing to date him even though I didn't see him in that way. We met a few more times, I stayed at his house again, and we had a nice time but we always left on a bad note. We'd argue and I'd tell him we're breaking up but he always made me stay. He had a huge breakdown and got really suicidal and wanted to self-harm and it made me feel so helpless, I told him we could stay together if it kept him safe. We had both been drinking a little, but I was mostly sober by this point. We always get drunk when we see each other, every night. I guess it's because that's the only way I can be around him most of the time, I didn't really realize that until now. 

The last time we met up, he came to stay at mine and we got a bit drunk and he raped me. I wrote about this in a different post and I'm coming to terms with it now I guess. But it's not the first time it's happened. The second time I stayed at his, he tried to have sex with me while I was asleep but I woke up when it went in. He was adamant that he thought I was awake, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He's now told me about something terrible that happened to him after we had started talking but before we had met in real life. Without going into too much detail, he invited over someone he met online who was older than he said he was, and he was violently raped in his kitchen.

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, I'm trying to use that to justify what he did to me, I just don't want to be around him and I don't know if I can trust him. He gets really upset with me and makes me feel guilty for not wanting to see him. And to make it worse, the anniversary of his best friend killing herself is coming up soon. And he's using that to guilt me into going to his house again, but I don't trust that if it's the two of us alone in his house while he's sad, that he won't try to have sex with me again. And I really don't want that right now.

The entire relationship is a train wreck, he's probably really bad for me. But it's not his fault that horrible things have happened to him. He's a good person, I know he is. He's talking about us getting married and having children, but we've only been together for just over a month. He sees our relationship as something amazing and special, I'm not sure I feel the same. I can't help feeling that there's someone out there who would be better for me, who could make me happy. I really need help.


  • LaineLaine Fruit loop Gone for gooPosts: 2,767 Account Deactivated
    Hey whiterabbit. 

    From the gist of what you're saying I can tell this relationship sounds very toxic, you do deserve better much better and there's no justified reason for what he did. 

    If things don't sit right and you want to leave then go for it x

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "This is my family. I found it, all on my own.
    It's little, and Broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good." ~ Stitch

    "Lately, I've been struggling with all the simple things in my life" ~ Cian Ducrot

    "I don't know if it's because my heart hurts or I'm insecure" ~ Juice Wrld
  • EyepatchEyepatch Smol Bean Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
     People using their past tragedy's to excuse them of their actions is very manipulative. Just becasue he was raped in the past doesn't mean he can get away with raping others. You mentioned how he makes you feel guilty so that you come over, this is manipulative behaviour. Please don't trust that he won't hurt you again, he already has done and so you have no reason to believe what he says. 

    Its not his fault bad things happened to him, but it is his fault for making you feel this way. Making you feel guilty by using his past and threatening to hurt himself. As for thinking you were awake, this is a excuse for rape that has been used a lot, its pretty obvious when someone is awake and involved in a sexual activity to when they are sleeping and not responding. Besides, a heathy relationship probably wouldn't start a sexual activity until both partners where consenting. 

    You haven't done anything wrong and there are others out there who would probably be better for you, it can be stressful and even scary to break up with some one who has been manipulating your feelings, but after some time you might realise how much more free you are without him. 

    Consider how he is making you feel, you might not be able to change who he is but you can give yourself a new start and move forward. Many things you have spoken about are signs of a toxic, abusive relationship.

    You deserve better, let us know how things are going.
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • whiterabbit7whiterabbit7 Posts: 9 Newbie
    Thank you @Eyepatch and @Laine for your advice. I'm starting to notice more flaws in our relationship. I haven't forgiven him for what he did and we keep arguing about it. I went out with friends last night and got more drunk than I have in years, I blacked out at some point. I don't remember calling him last night but apparently I did and he told me I said really hurtful things along the lines of "I hate you, I don't like you anymore" etc. I'm so ashamed of what I said, but it must be because I'm still angry at him. I feel like we aren't good for each other and I don't enjoy our relationship anymore, even though sometimes he's so good to me. But he won't let me break up with him. I've tried on three different occasions and I don't know how to tell him in a way that will make it stick. I care about him so I don't want to block him and never speak to him again. I just really don't know how to approach it. Or when.

    I don't have a lot of stability in my life right now, because my parents kicked me out and I had to quit my job. And, to top it all of, I'm really worried that I might be pregnant. If I am, the baby would have been conceived when he raped me, and I don't know how I would feel about that. He really wants a baby, even though he's 19 and I'm 18, he really wants me to get pregnant. It's all he's said to me from the beginning. I'm trying not to worry about it until I can take a test to know for sure.
  • EyepatchEyepatch Smol Bean Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    The way he is not letting you break up with him is unfortunately another sign that he is no good for you. Blocking him and deleting his number might make you feel lonely for a while but if he refuses to let you break up then it might end up being the only way you can express to him that you don't want to be in the relationship any longer. 

    What you have written here might be a good thing to tell him. whiterabbit7 said:
     "I feel like we aren't good for each other and I don't enjoy our relationship"
    Its clear and to the point, also it sounds mature and sensible, any argument from him after this you can choose to ignore or respond to depending on what he has said. 

    The way he wants a baby but isn't respecting your choices or your body is unhealthily for both of you. How about going to a GP and asking them to do a pregnancy test? You can tell them that you were raped and they cannot tell anyone else because your are 18 and legally an adult. They can also check for any SDT, the sooner they find out the sooner they can help you and advice you on what to do next. Its good you are staying calm and collecting your thoughts. 

    If you ever need to, feel free to update us on how you feel and whats going on. We are here for you :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • BluebellsBluebells Posts: 8 Newbie
    You sound like a very kindhearted person if you still care for him in some way after all he's done to you, he might be trying to take advantage of that. It can be hard to forget the feelings we had sometimes, but from the sound of it you're really struggling, and maybe realised that breaking up is a way for you to take care of yourself.

    It can be daunting going to a GP or sexual health clinic but if you did, it may give you some peace of mind.

    There'll be someone out there who can treat you better, nobody deserves to be treated the way you have been. Going no-contact might be difficult at first, but it may be the only way for him to respect your wishes.
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