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I've just fully burned out it feels like
MattK
Posts: 12 Settling in
Hello guys,
I'm 20 years old and majoring in mechanical engineering. The past 2 years of my life have been pretty interesting.
I came out of high school fairly unconfident, slightly depressed maybe, I just didn't know myself or my limits. I spent my first year of college expanding myself, found music I liked, got in to weightlifting, things like that. After that first year I spent the summer travelling just because I wanted to; I bought a plane ticket to hawaii and stayed there for 2 months and worked on a farm. When I got back, life felt great. I got back in to weightlifting after that 2 month break, took my classes, and worked a couple part-time jobs.
Everything changed of course when I met my first love last fall. It was a wild ride from start to finish. We went on a couple of dates (my first dates ever), I held her all night and honestly could have died happily that night because everything in life was right. Time went on and she told me she missed me and stuff and I really got my hopes up over the girl and life just felt whimsical even, like that too good to be true feeling. Then, she expressed she'd be too busy to hang out again, so I let her know I was looking for a relationship but she said she would be too busy so I wished her good luck and planned to move on. I was pretty sad about it, but but we kept talking and a few months later actually started seeing each other again over the course of a few months. It had all of the benefits of a relationship, it just wasn't an official one because of certain terms, but I call it what it felt like. Unfortunately, it had to end because it was driving me crazy and it caused me a lot of pain.
During the time between her saying she'd be too busy and us actually seeing each other again, I was sad like I said because I felt like an opportunity just slipped away. So, I decided to sign up for a bunch of engineering courses that I knew could be challenging to help get my mind off the girl and to make me feel better as a person. It worked, and I did a great job in the classes and secured a TA position for the fall.
Now, though, after the relationship ended, and I spent months putting my energy in to my courses, I am just 100% burnt out. So many psychological stresses came at the end of the semester; I decided to switch majors from MET to ME since I was doing well in my classes, a very slight difference but one that would possibly mean that the class I poured so much interest and time in to I would not get any credit for and would have to repeat the same class just under ME. I'm still waiting to find out if I will get credit for the ME course, and the stress of that over time just impacted my mood really negatively. I had to put in work for the MET course knowing that it might not actually count for anything, and the thought of that kind of bummed me out every time I did homework.
I put myself in a lot of pain by leaving the girl as well, more than I was ready for, but it was driving me nuts and was not very easy. I kind of realize though that she was my stress relief for all the classes so it was kind of like I had no way to cope with the stress anymore. I'd say it brought back a lot of anxiety that I had never known or that I thought I'd never have to deal with again.
Add on to that a family issue I had to deal with for a while, argh... By the end of the semester, I could barely sit through my classes or absorb material. My ability to concentrate was and still is probably 25% of what it used to be and it happened over the course of 1 or 2 days. I seemed to forget a lot of what I learned, or just no longer felt any passion for learning more. I had to really dig to try and remember things when it came to finals or I just went off muscle memory because the problems were so similar. Today I have trouble sleeping because I wake up stressed, I feel foggy, I am scared and anxious of having another nervous breakdown this fall, I am very unsure of whether or not to switch majors because I know I once enjoyed that kind of hard work, I am emotionally numb and it's all I feel. I am not alone but I feel so numb and detached at times that I feel alone. I can't get back in to my old fun habits easily like the gym or my sport without it stressing me out. I am just tired of having to make myself seem happy around happy people, it is nothing personal but I am just so tired. I called in June for therapy and the next available one is August 20th and I'm frustrated about waiting. I tried antidepressants and they made me see colors and feel more anxious and sad, but I fear I'd have to still try other medications to feel better. I wish I could just be hospitalized sometimes and spend a couple of weeks following whatever routine they have to see if it would make me feel better. I have never been this low in my life. I just want to know how to make it better, I felt like I was on a fine path with my life and don't wish to change but almost feel like I HAVE to. I decided I would do part-time classes this fall but I am still scared and anxious and just don't want another nervous breakdown and have to withdraw myself but maybe that's the right thing idk
I'm 20 years old and majoring in mechanical engineering. The past 2 years of my life have been pretty interesting.
I came out of high school fairly unconfident, slightly depressed maybe, I just didn't know myself or my limits. I spent my first year of college expanding myself, found music I liked, got in to weightlifting, things like that. After that first year I spent the summer travelling just because I wanted to; I bought a plane ticket to hawaii and stayed there for 2 months and worked on a farm. When I got back, life felt great. I got back in to weightlifting after that 2 month break, took my classes, and worked a couple part-time jobs.
Everything changed of course when I met my first love last fall. It was a wild ride from start to finish. We went on a couple of dates (my first dates ever), I held her all night and honestly could have died happily that night because everything in life was right. Time went on and she told me she missed me and stuff and I really got my hopes up over the girl and life just felt whimsical even, like that too good to be true feeling. Then, she expressed she'd be too busy to hang out again, so I let her know I was looking for a relationship but she said she would be too busy so I wished her good luck and planned to move on. I was pretty sad about it, but but we kept talking and a few months later actually started seeing each other again over the course of a few months. It had all of the benefits of a relationship, it just wasn't an official one because of certain terms, but I call it what it felt like. Unfortunately, it had to end because it was driving me crazy and it caused me a lot of pain.
During the time between her saying she'd be too busy and us actually seeing each other again, I was sad like I said because I felt like an opportunity just slipped away. So, I decided to sign up for a bunch of engineering courses that I knew could be challenging to help get my mind off the girl and to make me feel better as a person. It worked, and I did a great job in the classes and secured a TA position for the fall.
Now, though, after the relationship ended, and I spent months putting my energy in to my courses, I am just 100% burnt out. So many psychological stresses came at the end of the semester; I decided to switch majors from MET to ME since I was doing well in my classes, a very slight difference but one that would possibly mean that the class I poured so much interest and time in to I would not get any credit for and would have to repeat the same class just under ME. I'm still waiting to find out if I will get credit for the ME course, and the stress of that over time just impacted my mood really negatively. I had to put in work for the MET course knowing that it might not actually count for anything, and the thought of that kind of bummed me out every time I did homework.
I put myself in a lot of pain by leaving the girl as well, more than I was ready for, but it was driving me nuts and was not very easy. I kind of realize though that she was my stress relief for all the classes so it was kind of like I had no way to cope with the stress anymore. I'd say it brought back a lot of anxiety that I had never known or that I thought I'd never have to deal with again.
Add on to that a family issue I had to deal with for a while, argh... By the end of the semester, I could barely sit through my classes or absorb material. My ability to concentrate was and still is probably 25% of what it used to be and it happened over the course of 1 or 2 days. I seemed to forget a lot of what I learned, or just no longer felt any passion for learning more. I had to really dig to try and remember things when it came to finals or I just went off muscle memory because the problems were so similar. Today I have trouble sleeping because I wake up stressed, I feel foggy, I am scared and anxious of having another nervous breakdown this fall, I am very unsure of whether or not to switch majors because I know I once enjoyed that kind of hard work, I am emotionally numb and it's all I feel. I am not alone but I feel so numb and detached at times that I feel alone. I can't get back in to my old fun habits easily like the gym or my sport without it stressing me out. I am just tired of having to make myself seem happy around happy people, it is nothing personal but I am just so tired. I called in June for therapy and the next available one is August 20th and I'm frustrated about waiting. I tried antidepressants and they made me see colors and feel more anxious and sad, but I fear I'd have to still try other medications to feel better. I wish I could just be hospitalized sometimes and spend a couple of weeks following whatever routine they have to see if it would make me feel better. I have never been this low in my life. I just want to know how to make it better, I felt like I was on a fine path with my life and don't wish to change but almost feel like I HAVE to. I decided I would do part-time classes this fall but I am still scared and anxious and just don't want another nervous breakdown and have to withdraw myself but maybe that's the right thing idk
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sorry to read that things got all a bit too much.
Do you think that now you have realised you burnt out- you can prevent another nervous break down? Like recongise why happened & how you started feeling to help deal with it? Like doesnt sound like it was something you was counsious of before. so maybe can learn.
Like you said - a lot of stress came at the end of your semester. Maybe you could learn ways to manage that stress and to balance things out? Like some peoole find doing absoletly nothing for a 5 minutes help them. Your life seemed pretty busy before. And doing little things like that can help to recharge. To help quieten the mind after a busy day. And mindfullness stuff can help too. Just about finding that balance.
Do you have any friends who you can spend time with or enjoy their company? You said the girl you was with seemed like a stress reliever. I think there are other ways could probably find that stress relief with being with friends and as distraction. Or spending some/more time with family?
Alos meds affect everyone differently it may just be that a different may work better. So maybe worth another try
Sometimes i feel like id rather be in hospital and sometimes for them to control my life. Because my life seems so out of control. But then think only best solution is to try to regain control ourself while trying to balance everything out.
I think best thing you can do is keeping distracing self but also giving yourself breaks is important
All the best!
What makes me feel the best is seeing a counselor or a therapist, or the idea of it at least. Today I saw a counselor through my school but I can't have regular appointments, but it's only 2 weeks until my next one. I also have people that understand what I'm going through at least and I've helped everyone know. I guess I just have a hard time distracting myself but the counselor gave me some suggestions to help put myself in the present. I don't want to overdo it but I am going to try the suggestions out (she said one example would be like counting how many trees are on your way between buildings or how many blue colored objects are in the room). It feels a little crazy that I have to do that but it provided a distraction even though I know I'm distracting myself lol.
Unfortunately I don't know if I can prevent another nervous breakdown, I would say I am certainly aware now that it can happen though. I've always been good at managing my stress but now I have been knocked off my feet and so it is tough to do much of anything without feeling stressed out so I am rebuilding. Distracting myself is nice but I'd kind of like to be able to live on my own schedule again, so I think I have to strike a balance between the two. Right now I am going to keep up going to the gym because that's something that I like to do even though it's kind of hard or challenging, but I am not opening up much room for other regimented things so I don't overwhelm myself. We'll see how it goes, I'd like to be able to go two weeks with the gym.
One of the problems with relieving my stress I find is that nothing seems to make me feel happy right now and that's where distracting myself comes in to maybe let more happy feelings in haha. So much of my mental space is occupied by what happened in the past and I wish I could just stop thinking but I really can't do it easily it requires effort
2 weeks can feel so long but if remember what they say like with those distractions - then can be your own therapist. It sounds like theyre helping some what. Which is nice to read
I think you seem quite self aware and seem like know what you want. Which right now seems like the most important thing so think will be okay.
Seek extra support when feel the need to, like even using a help line and take care of yourself -as all can get too much sometimes. keep us update on how youre doing if youd like 😊
I notice that distracting myself, lifting some weights in the morning, and making sure to eat makes me feel sort of ok. It feels kind of like a sudden mood shift, so I'm careful about that but I don't think it's a bad thing. I'm familiar with how I can shift my mood up with these habits. Good enough to want to socialize a little more and just be more present. It's enough to make me want to keep working towards feeling better.
What gets me hung up, though, is school. If I get reminded in some way (for instance, I was watching a nature doc and the narrator started talking about how easy it could be for the ocean to drive you mad) of how crazy I started feeling at the end of last semester it kind of makes me want to shut down so I don't "go crazy" again. I wouldn't say it makes me feel depressed, but just like I want to withdraw from my activities and just lay there and run a million thoughts through my head about engineering, projects, relationships, people, and I probably develop a headache too with all that. I'm confident that I'd never do anything crazy, but I simply don't like the feeling of anxiety where I kind of feel like I have to fight or flight all the time; faster heartbeat, things like that. I feel like it prevents me from being happy or relaxed. I'm hoping that if I go in to this next semester with an open view of my mental concerns and tell my professors about it, I might have less anxiety and will be able to concentrate better. The anxiety I get from this though makes me not want to wait or stay still, it makes me feel like the world could end at any minute and I need to do something about it now! (Slightly exaggerated, but not far from the truth lol). I think the best solution is to try to implement relaxation activities and force myself to relax, I can't say I've ever really tried it long enough to see if that lessens the anxiety over time.
What always gets me is that I feel like I studied myself mad last semester, like I was the crazy scientist who locks themselves in their room and is like a genius and has all these crazy concoctions or experiments and a huge worldview. Except, I don't feel like a genius, just tightly wound all the time, and I'd rather not be thinking about a million different things that I could possibly do with the major, I'd rather find what makes me happy with it and feel settled. Just to be a simple man (all I think about when I get this way is the lynyrd skynyrd song). Maybe by taking it really easy with my classes and not taking it as seriously I will be able to relax more when it comes to the subject. Or by trying to do projects and actually feeling like I'm applying what I've learned, it will help me relax, and feel like I'm doing something. If these things don't work, I think I'd have to just find another area that doesn't get my mind so excited haha. I can't think of anything that would make me feel good though, what attracted me to engineering was just being able to feel smart for figuring out these difficult problems, but maybe that's just what drives me crazy. Doing problems on paper or learning how complex things work doesn't really bring me happiness it just offered that feeling like when you solve a math problem and you're like "Aha I figured it out!" What could bring me happiness would be building a bike with a motor on it, because it's tangible, serves a purpose, I can use it, and is related at least in some way to what I'm studying. If it doesn't, though, then I don't know if this field's meant for me.
I think I'm a prideful sort of person but I'm also the type of person that loves helping or at least seeing others succeed and it's easy to do that when I'm feeling good myself, maybe that's why the relationship affected me so hard because it just shot my pride down and I have trouble not letting things get to me. II'd definitely say I am thin-skinned and don't like hearing what's good for me all the time (I am pretty good at listening to good advice now, but for right now at least, I have trouble really letting it get through to me). I am hoping to be able to draw good lessons from my first relationship and not bitterness or anxiety or things like that. I've never been a fighter, always been cool going with the flow of things, so maybe relationships aren't my thing. I guess when things seem to threaten my boundaries though I have to change them and that's when you'll see me do or say something to take action. Having to do that brings me a lot of pain but with relationships there's so many more opportunities for pain that I'd feel forced to take action. Maybe that's where communication comes in but I didn't communicate my feelings. Communication felt hard but I think in the future I would dig a little deeper and say what was on my mind regardless. It might save pain. Imagine for a moment you love someone but they said something that really, really troubles you and the only way you could communicate with them is over text, and maybe you're too afraid to drive over an hour to their house and show up unexpectedly because that would be weird and not normal or to demand a phone call because they aren't the type to answer the phone and call back without asking the reasons you called for or to ask to meet up earlier in the week instead of waiting until the weekend and even then you don't know if they would be free to see you. Agh sorry for rambling at the end there it kind of just came out. It was such a tough spot
Just wanted to say, working out seems to improve my mood enough to be more alert, a little more awake, a little more sociable. What gets me down is I'm still in pain from what happened last semester and how I have more trouble concentrating. I also just have anxiety about things lol I overthink. Here's an excerpt I journaled:
"Engineering provides a world of possibilities but admittedly it makes me feel a bit like a mad scientist and the thought of it all just overwhelms me. It makes me feel like my mind is racing, like I just want to shut down, and like I'm bipolar or something. It's probably because I spent so much time studying it and really delving in to it last semester that I feel like I went in to the deep end and had too many late nights, adrenaline fueled days, things of that nature. I'd rather not do it again. It's like a thing that blocks me from feeling peaceful or even normal. I think part of the problem was really irregular hours at times, but the relationship compounded many other issues like anxiety and stress."
That being said, I feel like if I were to settle in to a nice routine I could get on a good road. I'm kind of just waiting for school to start up again, and admittedly dread it slightly because of the classes and my worries that I'll get too stressed out by them, but right now the job I'm working throws my attempts at scheduling myself off. Last night we worked from 4pm to about 1:30am. I'd like to go to bed around 10:00pm and get up around 8:00 but the job makes it hard to do this consistently. I only work every other week as well so it's just weird haha. If I were in high school I'd be ok with staying up late but it's not really my thing anymore. My job this fall shouldn't require any late nights.
It's really important that you identified that working out can help, exercise on a whole is great for our mental health. Perhaps writing down what you want to put into your routine might help? Even if your work throws it off, maybe you could make two schedules, one for when you're working late nights and one for when you aren't? The idea is that you can write down what you want to happen so you have a clearer idea of what to do next.
It does sound like it might be a little bit of a waiting game if you expect things to get better in fall, but the little things can be surprisingly helpful. How do you feel about doing that? It's not for everyone, so you may have other things that help you!
Let us know how you're still feeling!
-Seven
I've sort of got a schedule, really I just like waking up and doing it first thing in the morning (well, I don't like getting up, but it's kind of like my cup of coffee for the day).
What's tough mentally is how long of a road I've got and how far I feel like I kind of got off my way. I'm just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel right now. Last fall/winter I had a lot more energy and spent a lot of time in the gym and lifting weights, even just doing physical work outside of the gym until I found a pretty good balance where I didn't overwork myself or underwork. Physically, I felt like I was in the best shape of my life, but I remember hitting a sort of wall in my training where I needed to be eating more and I just didn't have the time because of all the things in my life. I probably weighed 15 pounds heavier than I do now, which is where I'd like to be again some day.
Jumping in to all those classes in the new year really took some time away from that aspect of my life because I needed to put more time in to schoolwork and learning. I also just started relying on the relationship for my stress relief/my motivation I think, and I never wanted to give it up, so that's where my weekends went. It just felt like I didn't have to work as hard on those other aspects of my life like lifting weights because I was putting time in to seeing someone and school.
I guess those two things were just too dangerous for my mental health, and it also caused me to decline physically. I feel like I used all the energy/happiness that lifting afforded me and spent it on a semester of coursework and a person. It's kind of unsettling to see how much more depressed/anxious these things made me, and has me questioning what sort of steps I need to take moving forward, however I see myself not wanting to quit the gym anytime soon and maybe in a couple of weeks or up to a month I might try lifting like I used to again. Definitely don't want to give up on counseling or therapy, I think those things will be key.