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All sorts of things

LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
Thinking writting everything out might help..this might be long🤔

So firstly I have been in the same house for 8weeks now. I moved in this house 8weeks ago exactly today and I dont like it here..no surprise for me really. I just cant settle in a home. The 'house keeper' which is basically the support co-ordinator has just changed and the hours that the housekeeper will be here has also changed these changes have happened this week. I had a problem with the house keeper as each morning the house keeper writes out about what each resident in the house has chosen to do that morning/if they've been seen/if they've gone out and basically other observations because apparently the managers "like to know" these are called "comms" which I guess is short for comments and goes live on our chanels so all the support staff can see so this is one waya to spark up the support worker coming out for example if the house keeper put on Tom's (lets say) comms that Tom was seen with an injury the support woker would see that on Tom's comms and come and see Tom that day. I want to see my comms so I asked my housekeeper if I could when I first moved in and she said no so I thought well I dont believe this, so I asked the manager and she said I can but I have to pay a £10 fee so I have but it can take up until 40days for me to be able to but I spoke with our new house keeper this morning about this and she said why I am paying for something with my name on so now I am thinking I shouldnt of paid the £10 because the new house keeper will let me look for nothing! My support worker is convinced that the voices are telling me that the house keeper is writting something malicious about me but thats not the case at this time. It's a control thing, I want to feel in control of my support and involved. Theres not many things that I have been or can be in control of in my liffee so the things that will make me feel in control more, I will strive to be that the case.

For the last week now, apart from today where I dont feel high, I feel I have slightly been too high but I dont think it hits the mania stage maybe some sort of hypomania (not high on any substances) but mentally its since I saw the spider, I constantly feel like I gotta be on the move so this makes sense that I am always moving. I Feel my like my brain is typing but at 80mph. Need to slow it down some how and this is very dangerous as when I am like this I am much more likely to act on impulsiveness so people who tell me to go for a walk is not a very good idea at all. I guess having highs is so exhausting so that is just what I am now, hopefully that I have come slightly down from this high but you know what comes after a high is a low so I have a high for a week or two then a week exhaustion and then a low which can last up to a few months and it repeats.

A common thing is that I hallucinate spiders, I feel them, see them and evan hear one clicking. About a week ago I saw a spider crawling under my bed but I havent seen it since so I guess I hallucinated it but then I dont know. About 5 hours ago I heard scruffling along my scirting board in my room and so guessed it was a mouse/rat, matience have been out but say theres no signs of a mouse/rat but have left a trap but it looks really ugly on my floor so I am thinking about just putting it in my cuboard or I could paint it pink but I dont think I have any paint and I dont know if leaving a trap down will encourage the rat/mouse to come out, I do not want that while I am here! Maintence said not but I am not convinced. However, they said pest control will still come out on Monday but now I am really uncomfortable in my room with all the noises I am hearing. Finding I am Asking myself is this real or not real, I have to ask myself this at least 6times a day. I feel like everyone just looks at me and thinking 'oh she is just hallucinating and delusional' just ignore her.

I evan went to the doctors a few weeks ago and the doctor asked me 'is she here' and I was like rolling my eyes because he was a new doctor/my new surgery so I was thinking how da fffff does he know about
all my hallucinations must be on my notes or can he read my mind and then I just said she was in the waiting room but she wasent with us in the consultation room and he just kept looking at me so odd I saw him in the corner of my eye looking at me while I was looking around the room seeing other stuff. I didnt think he was going to let me go. This little girl follows me around like everywhere.

My CAMHS hub abandonded me for about 2months I was "meant" to be waiting for a female cpn but something obviously went wrong somewhere so I complained to PALS after chasing PALS back up because they didnt contact back when they said they would either so I called PALS back up. The week after (this was about 3weeks ago now) the clinical lead manager from my CAMHS hub rang me (so PALS must of made sure this happened) and the clinical lead manager offered me an appointment the week after to go and see her so I saw her on the 19th of January and she appologised proufously the way I have been treated and I really believed it but things she said she would do she hasent so I am let down again...I am seeing her again Tuesday. So I will be bringing this all up with her. It's really all not good enough.

My support has got to be constant. If my support was on a wheel in my liffee it would have stopped at least 100 times, thats no good to me. The wheel has got to kept going around.

My support worker is just as useless as the other house (thats why I moved to this house). She is meant to be sorting out my medication (getting my meds deliverd to home so I dont go without them) (my surgery has the wrong dose down on one of my meds) and I would like my meds in (I dont know what its called) but atm my meds come in boxes and I sort them out into pillpots but sometimes this means I forget to take them, I know some pharmacists organise them how you need to take them..I want this! And other people agree too that it would be a good idea but I dont know how you set this up so my support worker said she will sort all this out and hasent so I will see if the clinical lead manager at my CAMHS hub can help with any of this on Tuesday (and get any of it done any sooner than my support worker!) as my mental health meds are prescribed from the psychiatrist at my CAMHS hub anyway so either he or the clinical lead manager might be able to do these. So I will bring all this up on Tuesday.

So anyway I am leaving it all there for now.

+ something a bit different to all of what I have typed out above..My uncle has got a new girlfriend after loosing his wife (my Auntie) in August to cancer. My family are so upset and angry and think its way too soon. What do you think?


  • MikeMike 🖥️🎧 LandaanPosts: 3,486 Community Manager
    Hey Lostsense :)

    How did it feel to get that all out and down into writing? It sounds like you had a lot to get off your chest. And right so - it seems like you've been through a bit of a support minefield! I can really hear your frustration, particularly with the way you described support being like a wheel:
    Lostsense wrote:
    My support has got to be constant. If my support was on a wheel in my liffee it would have stopped at least 100 times, thats no good to me. The wheel has got to kept going around.

    This is a really interesting way to think about it, and it really does suck when we need that long-term support but it keeps stuttering and stalling. Particularly when it takes so much energy and courage to try and get that support in the first place, I imagine this really doesn't help. It's clear that you're really trying hard to make this work and to get yourself the support you need, so even though it isn't turning out to be the smoothest journey, it's very commendable that you're keeping so motivated. *hug* Even when you're battling what sound like very scary hallucinations!

    I won't touch on everything here and my knowledge/experience of the way CAMHS and other groups work is very limited, and I'm sure others can provide more insight than me when it comes to having that lived experience as well. How did everything go on when you talked to them about it on Tuesday?
    Lostsense wrote:
    + something a bit different to all of what I have typed out above..My uncle has got a new girlfriend after loosing his wife (my Auntie) in August to cancer. My family are so upset and angry and think its way too soon. What do you think?

    This is quite a subjective one, but I guess ultimately it's down to how your uncle feels. Grieving is such a complex process and works differently for everyone, and usually if people do seem to 'move on' very quickly, that can usually just be part of their healing process. Without meaning to assume any knowledge here, your uncle may have his reasons, and sometimes people like to fill the void left by a loved one with someone else, whether that be a partner, a smoking habit, or other comforting behaviours. I guess you could liken it to how people act after a breakup.

    That said, of course, when these situations are so personally tied to us, it's only natural to have those emotional responses. Particularly when we're handling things differently, it can be tough to understand why people respond the way they do. Again, I guess ultimately it depends how your uncle is feeling and the reasons behind his actions (does he like/love her or is this his way of coping?), but everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel.

    Let us know how you're feeling and how things go - it's good to see you posting. :)

    PS: I also tweaked this post to remove the description you gave of Tom's injury (when giving the example). It was a little graphic so I just switched it out with 'an injury'.
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

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  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl

    I guess I didnt want to post because I don't feel like I "belong" here but I know I do so thats why I did post it.

    Yeah -I thought the wheel of my support was a good visual explanation. My appointment went okay on Tuesday..my new Care Co-ordinator asked me whether I would like to start DBT she said she is starting group DBT which will be 2hours a week so pretty intensive but then I will loose seeing just her every 3weeks (I'm pretty sure this was the impression I got) so the other option was to carry on seeing her every 3weeks but she would do DBT work in those sessions (aswell as the other chit chat, how things have been ect) so this would be a lot less intensive, I said I cant make the decission so she said we'll start DBT work in our 121 sessions and then see how that goes.

    I dont know whether my Uncle likes or loves the new woman he is seeing, My mum is pretty upset and I told her it might be a way of him coping but she said it still dosent feel right. I can see all sides but I dont think none of us would like it all if he brings her along to family gatherings, that is definetly too soon.
  • RayofhopeRayofhope Posts: 152 Helping Hand
    Hi Lostsense,

    I am glad that you chose to post here you do belong here and are defiantly part of the community here.

    I am glad that your appointment went okay that's great how do you feel about the decision which she has made about the DBT work during the 121 sessions? It sounds like she is going to be able to change it if you feel that this isn't what you want which is good.

    I am sorry to here that your mum is upset about whats happening with your uncle its great that you are able to see if from all angles. How are you feeling about this at the moment?

    Hope you have had a good day.

    Life doesn’t require we be the best, only that we try our best
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl

    I suppose I am okay about the decission she made as I couldnt make it.

    Feeling the same to do with things with my Uncle and mum.
  • RayofhopeRayofhope Posts: 152 Helping Hand

    Good to hear your doing ok, how you doing now? Have you had a good week?

    Rayofhope 🌈
    Life doesn’t require we be the best, only that we try our best
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