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Messed up

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I apologise for the rant, but I need to get it off my chest.

Too cut a long story short I had a s***childhood. As a teacher now I don't see how my mum pulled the wool over so many peoples eyes for so long. I don't speak to my mum or dad. Dad since I was 2 as he was a shit father and violent, my mum since I was 17 as she kicked me out and is border line pysychotic. (She refused to agree she needed help). I saw my dads family till a week before my 11th birthday and was always a nanny's girl adored them. One day I went round to see her and asked who the pram belonged to she said my dads other daughter. Before I could even comprehend what was going on my mum pulled me out of there not to see them again until I was 21 by the off chance. (Another story for another time). I grew up being told they didn't want me at all (by my mum) which I now know is lies but affected me deeply. She said they didn't love me they wanted my dad's other daughter my cousins didn't want to see me and my nan didn't want anything to do with me ever again. I cried my self to sleep for months after this. As a child I had no family (most of my mums was dead or she never saw). On top of this I grew up being told I was a brat. I was golden at school and though as a child never perfect (what child is?) I was very good at home as well. My mum would take small things and twist them. Little things that on their own would make people think why am I complaining. I would say it was emotional abuse to the point my anxiety has been traced back to her. The living on constant edge, one day something would be okay the next day it wasn't. That her terrible life was all my fault, if I hadn't been born it wouldn't be so bad. I was expected to fend for myself pretty much froma young age. Don't get me wrong their was always food in the cupboard, but as a single parent she often expected me to act like an adult but with none of the trust. I knew things I should not have know. Punishments would include removing every item out of my room for weeks and having the plugs cut off all electronics. Stopping my pocket money for weeks on end (not too bad except for she expected me to buy anything I needed from it i.e. all my clothes including school uniform, her birthday and Christmas presents, hair cuts, bus pass etc). The amount of times my friends parents used to beg me to let them speak to her I would cry out of fear of her reaction screaming for them not too. To the point when I stayed at my friends till 11 his mum said she would drive me back I demanded to get the bus as my mum knew the timetable and if she thought I got dropped home she would ground me and make me wrote apologies for causing a fuss and demanding lifts. She would never take the answer that other parents offered she always thought I asked. as an adult I am always told I apologise too much as a result.

It is only the last year or 2 I have accepted that I did indeed have a rubbish child hood. I have always said no people had it way worse its normal. But you know what it isn't. I feel terrible as I am still letting that woman control my life now and I shouldn't. I have major trust issues and cannot believe people including my family when they say they want me. I feel like a burden.

I now see my dads side again, but can't seem to rationalise it isn't my 16 year old sister fault as I grew up being told its her fault you don't have a family. Does anybody have any ideas how I can start to get over this (The adult part of me knows this isn't true, but the young girl part of me can't seem to get past this).

Luckily my dad doesnt get invited to any family events (no body but my nan speaks to him). Except for my nan's 80th birthday party where he will be. I don't know whether to go or not or if I am emotionally strong enough to do so. That on top of my family making requests to go up more is sending me over the edge. They won't seem to understand I literally CANNOT afford to do so.

The conclusion of this is I need help but I don't think one normal parent would be too much to ask for. Is it?

My main question for this is does anybody have any ideas where I could go to get help to talk through all these family issues as I am at wits end, but didn't like CBT before.

So so so sorry for the rant.

Kitty_kat 27


  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 971 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey Kitty_kat27

    First of all, thanks for sharing, & please never ever apologise for doing so here - we're here to listen and we care!

    It sounds like you have been going through a really difficult time, I'm sorry to hear you what you had to go through growing up. You are very brave for opening up about it on here. You're absolutely right, it isn't normal and it isn't fair what you've been through. Because of that, it is completely rational for you to carry these issues still, it doesn't sound like something you could just 'get over' overnight! Do you think you still feel like a burden to them because you spent so long in the past feeling like that? It's also understandable & probably for the same reason that you are feeling that way about your sister, I think it will take time to shift that mindset while you heal.

    Fortunately, you have looooads of options of where to go & who to talk to about this! You said you have tried CBT before but didn't like it, is there any particular reason? Had you been to your GP to find CBT? I'll just paste a few more ideas to start below, let us know what you think - there are a wealth of services & people who can help out there, we'll find one that's right for you :rainbow:
    • The Mix has a free helpline ([URL="tel:08088084994"]0808 808 4994[/URL]) open every day, 11am – 11pm, one to one webchat, group chats, and discussion boards.
    • Mind has an infoline (0300 123 3393) and text service (86463) open 9am – 6pm Monday to Friday (charges dependent on your mobile phone provider or local rates if calling from a landline), online community Elefriends, and local Mind centres.
    • SANE runs an out-of-hours helpline (0300 304 7000) open 4:30pm – 10pm every day of the year (charges dependent on your mobile phone provider or local rates if calling from a landline) and a support forum.
    • YoungMinds has a wealth of information on their website for lots of different issues.
    Hope that helps *hug*

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    Hey @kitty_kat27 :wave:

    ​Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us here, we are here to listen and help in anyway that we can. This is certainly the place for getting things off your chest and this can be one of the best things to do. Bottling things up is never good so remember that you have plenty of people to talk to and plenty of places to help, just like Lucy above has suggested.

    ​Not only does writing your experience clear your mind a little but it can also help others with their lives too. You are not alone in any of how you feel. Childhoods can be hard but a lot of us try to forget and that is never a good thing. I'm sorry that you've had to go through some awful things in your past but you are stronger than you think! It takes a lot of strength to come on here, talk about your life and ask for a helping hand. On top of that, sometimes it is so hard to accept what has happened to us in the past and identify how it affects us now, something which you have done. Also, did you say that you are a teacher? If so, look where you have gotten yourself today, try to be proud of where you are not and how far you have come after everything you have been through.:)

    ​It is understandable that you have feelings like this as an adult and can be due to not having the support or care that you needed in younger years. This will take time to heal from, and no matter what anybody else feels, says or thinks in your family now, what's important is how you feel and when you are ready to see them.

    ​To get to this point, you're definitely in the right mind-set already. Connect with a service and use it to heal from the past. Work on yourself first, accept and explore your anxiety and trust. The services that Lucy has posted above can all help you with this. It just depends what you prefer, either talking and discussing the past over the phone, in person or on online communities and information sites where you can try a few things on your own.

    ​Clearing up your mind and understanding these feelings can help you adjust how you think about your sister and family. At least you know now that the lies you heard about them aren't true. So from what it sounds like, they do want you to be part of their lives. This is why they want you to see them, because they want to see you. So try and think of this as a positive thing because they want you at your Nan's 80th Birthday party, she want you there. So yes this may be a positive step which can help you heal and move forward. But also remember that there is no pressure to go if you aren't ready yet. All you have to say is that you need time.

    ​Also, you mentioned money getting in the way. You can tell them that you're waiting until you have some more to see them. This can give you even more time to heal. Then, perhaps after saving and you're feeling confident to do so, the time will come where you can visit.

    ​Check out Lucy's list of services above for the help that you are looking for, she's posted the ones that I would suggest too!
    ​Mind and SANE are great services. Here are some other links:

    Information on understanding and helping your anxiety -

    AnxietyUK- run helplines, email support, live chats and therapy services for people with anxiety on 08444 775 774.

    The above links can help with other things too, like not knowing how to act, apologising too much or always feeling sorry along with trust too. It all ties together. Doing things like keeping a happy diary or writing positive things down can help. For example, writing positive things about your sister or what you might want from that relationship etc.

    Whatever your next step, remember we are always here on The Mix!

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