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Family relationship

Laura12345Laura12345 NoobPosts: 265 Boards Initiate
Its been a while now that ive been feeling like this but thought it was about time I asked for help. It was back in the middle of 2015 like April time I went to stay with my aunt and uncle for a few nights and ever since I opened up to my aunt about things I was going through at the time I feel that I can talk to her more than my mum or dad or sister. I feel that my aunt is more like a sister to me. Is it bad to feel like this?

​I have a feeling its because I was taken away from my birth parents so I don't have full trust with my adoptive parents whereas with my aunt she is the only aunt I know id you get what I mean.


  • MikeMike Screen addict 🎮 LondonPosts: 2,529 Community Manager
    Hey there Laura. :wave:

    I just wanna say it's totally understandable to feel like this, especially given your particular situation. At a core level, ultimately, people form trusting relationships with whomever they feel they can. Sometimes that might include immediate family, and for others it might be exclusively friends. I know that, for me personally, I'm far more trusting and closer to my good friends than my immediate family.

    Given your particular situation, I'd say it sounds totally natural to feel closer to your aunt than your adoptive parents. So long as it works for you and you feel able to open up to that person, it's certainly nothing to feel bad about. :)

    For some reason I was struggling to find a way to word this post without sounding waffley, so I hope that made sense! :rolleyes:

    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Avatar credit: Qostine
  • Laura12345Laura12345 Noob Posts: 265 Boards Initiate
    HI Mike. That's good that you said its normal to feel like this. Yen I feel I can talk to my aunt and friends more than my parents. Yen I feel I can open up to someone and iii glad you said its fine for it to be my aunt. Thanks for the post. Feel so much better now. The post doesn't sound waffle.
  • DreaDrea The Mix Posts: 292 Budding Regular
    Glad you feel better Laura! Don't hesitate to ask anymore questions! Have a great day :)
  • Laura12345Laura12345 Noob Posts: 265 Boards Initiate
    Hi guys x I still feel that I cant open up to my adoptive parents cause of my upbringing and also my sister who I live with.due to a situation to do with my step sister which is still on my mnd.

    ​I just feel everything for me is hard and I just have times when I breakdown in tears and all I can think about is the fact I need my auntie but its not always possible. I just feel I need my auntie right now and even after seeing her last Friday I feel I need to see her again cause she helps me so much and I just need a hug!!!
  • SunshineSoulSunshineSoul Relationship Squadee Posts: 57
    Hi Laura,

    ​Sorry to hear that you're finding it difficult to open up to your adoptive parents at the moment. It can take a lot of time to build trust and feel comfortable delving into certain aspects of your life with others. As @Mike mentioned it's perfectly normal to feel this way and we all have that one person we can tell anything to, in your case it's your Auntie, but you don't need to feel guilty that it's not with your adoptive parents. Maybe over time your communication will improve with them but for the time being your mental health is important and as long as you have someone to talk to then that's okay!

    ​What's on your mind? Maybe we can help you here on The Mix to make those tears go away! I know it's better seeing your Auntie face to face but do you have the option to FaceTime/Skype with her during the week?

    - Sunny :rainbow:

  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    Hi there Laura :wave:

    ​It sounds like a difficult situation that you are in and it certainly isn't anything that you should feel bad about. Like @Mike[/USER] and [USER="101768"]SunshineSoul both said, it can be hard to form a trustful relationship with anyone, even your family and it's great that you do have this relationship with your Aunt.

    ​And it's natural to feel that she is the person that can be there for you and someone to lean on. She seems like the first person you think of if you need anything etc. and it is good to have someone like that.

    ​Skype/FaceTime is a great idea! I definitely agree there, or even phone calls or texting whenever you feel that you are struggling. Then she can be there when you need her and you can keep that close relationship throughout the week even when she isn't there physically.

    ​I can see how the relationship with your adoptive parents could be hard and I'm sure they understand from your past etc. so don't feel guilty for the way you feel.

    Do you think you could possibly tell them at some point that you are struggling to open up to them and see how they respond? If you could voice your concerns, maybe this could open a line of communication where they could do things to make you feel more comfortable and confident to talk to them. :chin:
    ​If not, you could voice your concerns with your Aunt and see if she can help?

    ​If there is anything else, we are all here on The Mix and if you communicate with us, you might find it easier to open up to others too! :d

  • Laura12345Laura12345 Noob Posts: 265 Boards Initiate
    Hi SunshineSoul. Thanks for the reply. Yeh I'm finding it difficult to open up to my adoptive parents right now. Yeh I feel I can only open up to my auntie right now and its probably cause of what I went through at the beginning of my life ( in my childhood). Yeh I know that my mental health is important right now and I do definitely have my auntie to speak to right now, I have a lot on my mind right now, take a look at my most recent posts and you will see whats been going on for me. It is defiantly easier to see my auntie in person but I might see if there is some other way I can contact her in the week , I do text her regularly but ill see about maybe calling her or FaceTime thanks for the idea.

    ​Hi PositiveAura. Thanks for the reply. Yeh I'm in a difficult situation right now because of my upbringing, Yeh my auntie is more like a mum to me right now too be honest, she always has been. Yeh she is the first person I think of if I do need something. Yeh ill try contacting her as I just need her when I'm struggling cause she helps me out a lot and I can always be open to her and she makes me feel better about myself. I don't feel I can talk to my adoptive parents about how I'm feeling though as I should be pleased because of the situation I was in before they adopted me but I'm not, I feel a part of me is missing too be honest. I might speak to my auntie about it because there isn't anyway right now that I can feel I can open up to my adoptive parents especially as over the last few months ive been through that they wont understand and also one thing ive found out that they have kept from me for ages and still don't realise I know!!! Thanks for the message and I'm pleased that you are here if I need to chat.
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    That's ok, we are all here to listen and connect :)

    ​It's great that you could possibly communicate with your Aunt in different ways - I guess that's a bonus of technology these days!
    ​It's understandable to feel all that you are and if you can talk to your Aunt, she could help reassure you and work through it.

    ​There's no rush for you to open up if you aren't comfortable, what you feel and want to do is what is important.
    ​Explore yourself and get comfortable and happy with life and a lot of things like identity and belonging falls into place.
    ​Life is a journey and we are all constantly learning, changing and developing. That includes feelings of ups, downs and feeling lost. So you are not alone at all :)

    ​Nobody will judge you for how you are feeling - your adoptive parents and Aunt included. Take your time and when you are ready and comfortable then you can open the lines of communication on your terms - especially if you have felt that trust has been lost since something has been kept from you.
    ​Do you think this may have been done with the thought of protecting you? :confused:

  • Laura12345Laura12345 Noob Posts: 265 Boards Initiate
    Hi Postive Aura. Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. Glad that there is this forum to be able to listen to, I used this a lot recently and with some things its helping a lot, if you can take a look at some of my other posts that would be good. Yeh I will be able to communicate with my auntie in different ways and I'm glad u said its okay to feel how I am, my auntie has helped me so much too be honest, I wouldn't be who I am today without her help. I know there is no rush for me to open up to my parents but the longer that I leave it the harder I feel its going to be. Glad to hear that I'm not alone with how I'm feeling. yeh there has been a lack of trust recently cause of something they kept from me and yeh it might be because they wanted to protect me but at the same time I wonder if they would ever tell me cause they don't actually realise I know. the stuff I have been through the last few months have been tough
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    There are so many forums on here, you are right they are all so open and have great advice. And I'm hear to help with anything else so I'll head over and take a look for you Laura. :)

    ​I understand what you mean about leaving it longer and it becoming harder. But maybe if you take time to gain clarity with how you feel about them, and what you want to say, it will be a better conversation rather than being unsure or feeling pressured doing it now.

    ​I can see what you mean about the secret they kept. That can be really hurtful when something is hidden from you. But sometimes it is because of protection. I know this doesn't justify that but I hope that this can give you a clearer idea of why they may have done this.

    ​I'm sorry to hear the past few months have been tough, relationships and family are hard sometimes. I think one of the hardest things is not knowing how everyone is feeling or what they are thinking.
    Do you think your Aunt could shed some light on what your adoptive parents are thinking/feeling? Almost like a middle-man?
    So that you can kind of communicate with them more but without directly doing so yourself?
    ​Perhaps find out any concerns, worries or anything they are currently having? This could help you figure out some things you are thinking/feeling yourself?

    And then this could ease you into more communication with them in the long run. Again, there is absolutely no rush for this Laura :)


  • Laura12345Laura12345 Noob Posts: 265 Boards Initiate
    yeah there are so many forums on here and thanks for saying you would take a look at some of mine. yeh that might be a better bet to know what I'm going to say as it will then make a better conversation. probably speak to my auntie about it at some point. its hard for me to know they have kept something from me even if it was for protection as it makes me think they might be keeping other things from me!!! Yeh the last few months have been tough and you will see this through my posts. I think I'm going to speak to my auntie about the situation and see if she can help in anyway because I don't know how people are feeling and its really tough. thanks for the advice
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Laura,

    It's good that you're going to talk to your auntie, hopefully she can help! Do you think you'd be able to talk things through with your adoptive parents sometime in the future? Having trust violated can be really tough to deal with, but one of the most effective ways of repairing that trust is an open conversation with them. However, there's no pressure to do that if you don't want to! It's totally up to you :)

    Good luck with talking to your auntie!
  • Laura12345Laura12345 Noob Posts: 265 Boards Initiate
    Hi Kaze. thanks for the reply. Yeh I will talk to my auntie and I hope she can help me. I might be able to talk to my adoptive parents at some point but not right now. I will try and build the trust with them, thanks
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    Hi Laura :wave:

    ​That all sounds really positive and remember there is no pressure with time. The most important thing is that you're comfortable and ready.

    ​And like you say, speaking to your Aunt first and then taking it from there is a great idea.

    ​Moving forward day-by-day is all we can do and that way, we are always moving towards what we want, no matter how slow we go.

    ​I wish you all the best with building trust with your adoptive parents and I hope that you are all able to heal from the secret they kept.

    ​I'm sure that if the conversation comes in the future, you can all lay everything out on the table and work through anything together. :chin: You can have any questions answered and hopefully they would be more open with you.

    ​Hope this helps, we are all here if you have any other thoughts or feelings that you want to let out. :)

    ​It's always better than holding it in. :)

  • Laura12345Laura12345 Noob Posts: 265 Boards Initiate
    Hi PostiveAura
    Thanks for the reply
    ​yeh i know i need to be comfortable and ready to have the conversation and right now i dont feel that.
    I haven't got round to speaking to my auntie yet but hopefully soon I will be able to.
    ​I will try and build the trust up with them but its not going to be easy because of what they kept from me, it made me feel I don't really know who I am right now.
    ​I have kept things from them at times like my tattoos and piercings but also more important things like the pregnancy I'm currently going through which I didn't tell them about for a while as obviously at the beginning it wasn't that noticeable.
    ​thanks for the information it helps a lot x
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    Hi Laura :wave:

    ​I hope things are going good for you this week.

    ​It sounds like time is key for you and that is completely ok. It's all about when you are ready and when you want to because it is understandable that you are hesitant.

    ​And it is understandable that you also felt that you couldn't be open about the tattoos, piercings (I have many so I know where you are coming from!) as well as your pregnancy as they had hidden things from you too.
    I hope that they could understand this when they have found out later on?
    ​I also hope that they are supportive of you and your pregnancy?
    And maybe you can build a better relationship with them if they are open to helping with the pregnancy and things in the future. :)

    ​Trust is a big and special thing to have so don't worry about taking your time and building it slowly. This way it can become much stronger in the end.

    ​And remember what I mentioned about exploring yourself and the journey to who you are. I hope some of that helped you feel less alone and more positive.

  • Laura12345Laura12345 Noob Posts: 265 Boards Initiate
    Hi PositiveAura
    This week has been going okay thanks
    ​Yeh its hard to know when is the right time to say something as I'm very hesitant right now
    ​yeh I felt I couldn't open up to them about my tattoos and piercings to start off with but they now know about them. yeh I've kept the pregnancy a secret but its come to a time when its noticeable so I've had to say something.
    ​When I told them about my piercings and tattoos they weren't understanding and even more when I told them about the pregnancy. They aren't being very supportive of the pregnancy too be honest, my auntie is there for me more than my parents, they don't understand how hard it is for me! I would have built a better relationship if they were going to help me with the pregnancy but they haven't.
    ​Yeh trust is a big thing and right now I still don't have much trust with my parents unlike the relationship I have with my auntie
    I just want to know who i really am and I still don't feel I know
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    Hi Laura, it's good to hear from you :wave:

    ​That all sounds very difficult and it is understandable that you feel this way but I am glad that you have your Aunt whilst you are going through all of this.

    ​For some people it can take a long time to adjust to things so I do hope that they show you some support throughout your pregnancy and that your are able to move on from there.

    ​Because it is such a hard time for you at the moment, try to concentrate on yourself. Remember it is ok to be hesitant so take your time and work with your Aunt to become comfortable enough to talk with them about how you are feeling.
    Then things can change from that conversation and you can get any questions or worries answered. You can also find some things about yourself that you're wondering about and they might be able to help you there. If not, your Aunt may able to help you discover more about yourself and explore who you are? :)

    ​Again, go at your pace and concentrate on you and your pregnancy. You'll know when the time is right if you choose to speak to them.


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