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Good for nothing but sex.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So, this is my first post. My life at the moment is just a mess. This last month, everything I had to look forward to has shattered to piece right in front of my face.
So, I've been with my boyfriend let's call him (Lee) for 2 and a half years. We've been through a lot. I had some female medical issues at the beginning which he stayed with me through. I later miscarried our baby and he didn't care. He told me to man up when I woke up crying in pain. We haven't spoken about it since.
In November 2016, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I'm still learning how to cope. I've been on too many different medications to count. My boyfriend doesn't understand it. There's someone at work (let's call him Charlie) who has it also and we started talking and he helped.
In March, I broke down. Charlie drove half an hour at 1am just to hug me. We went and sat at the beach in his car and just talked for hours. He dropped me home but we couldn't let go when we hugged goodbye. We kissed.
Sounds perfect? He's got a girlfriend and 2 children with her.
We both enjoyed it. We started then seeing each other. Messaging at work, spending lunches toagther. He made me feel special. You see, things with me and Lee are falling apart, have been since November when he told me HE couldn't cope with the bipolar.
Charlie made me feel beautiful, sexy, wanted and worth something. He eventually became my drug. When I was with him, I wanted more. When I was around him, I was high. I was invincible. When he's not here I am empty and I just spend all my time waiting for my next dose.
We spent a night at a hotel together. I have never felt so alive. I could feel my skin glowing where he touched me and it was the sweetest thing I've ever experienced.
One afternoon, he told me he was falling for me. I freaked out. I didn't want to ruin it. So I laughed it off and played it cool. A few weeks later, he wanted to tell me something face to face. But couldn't make it out in the end.
It's now August.
Me and Lee are still rocky, I don't love him the way I used to. I like his company. I love falling asleep in his arms at night. But I feel sick when he advances now and I make excuses not to, or, I let him and I just lie there staring at the ceiling. He works all of the time or goes out and drinks. We don't talk, laugh or anything. I'm moving out in 2 weeks. When I move, I'll be 2 minutes from Charlie.
Today, I plucked the courage to ask Charlie what he'd do if his girlfriend found out. He loves her and he doesn't even want to think about it. You see, we give each other what we don't get at home. Anyway, I then asked him what he wanted to tell me that night and what he meant when he said we was falling for me... after months of midnight talking, cuddling, escaping together, missing each other... the reply I got was 'probably something to get into your knickers' and that was it.
I've never felt so numb. Neither Lee or Charlie genuinely care about me and I will never mean to them what they ever meant to me. I feel so stupid for believing someone like Charlie would choose someone like me. I feel stupid for staying with Lee.
This month I've also failed my driving test for the second time and was unsuccessful for my promotion because there was a better candidate.
Now I'm at the point where I have cried enough to drown myself and tears no longer fall. Where I can now let myself go, I have nothing and nobody to get up in the morning for. I am numb.
So, I've been with my boyfriend let's call him (Lee) for 2 and a half years. We've been through a lot. I had some female medical issues at the beginning which he stayed with me through. I later miscarried our baby and he didn't care. He told me to man up when I woke up crying in pain. We haven't spoken about it since.
In November 2016, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I'm still learning how to cope. I've been on too many different medications to count. My boyfriend doesn't understand it. There's someone at work (let's call him Charlie) who has it also and we started talking and he helped.
In March, I broke down. Charlie drove half an hour at 1am just to hug me. We went and sat at the beach in his car and just talked for hours. He dropped me home but we couldn't let go when we hugged goodbye. We kissed.
Sounds perfect? He's got a girlfriend and 2 children with her.
We both enjoyed it. We started then seeing each other. Messaging at work, spending lunches toagther. He made me feel special. You see, things with me and Lee are falling apart, have been since November when he told me HE couldn't cope with the bipolar.
Charlie made me feel beautiful, sexy, wanted and worth something. He eventually became my drug. When I was with him, I wanted more. When I was around him, I was high. I was invincible. When he's not here I am empty and I just spend all my time waiting for my next dose.
We spent a night at a hotel together. I have never felt so alive. I could feel my skin glowing where he touched me and it was the sweetest thing I've ever experienced.
One afternoon, he told me he was falling for me. I freaked out. I didn't want to ruin it. So I laughed it off and played it cool. A few weeks later, he wanted to tell me something face to face. But couldn't make it out in the end.
It's now August.
Me and Lee are still rocky, I don't love him the way I used to. I like his company. I love falling asleep in his arms at night. But I feel sick when he advances now and I make excuses not to, or, I let him and I just lie there staring at the ceiling. He works all of the time or goes out and drinks. We don't talk, laugh or anything. I'm moving out in 2 weeks. When I move, I'll be 2 minutes from Charlie.
Today, I plucked the courage to ask Charlie what he'd do if his girlfriend found out. He loves her and he doesn't even want to think about it. You see, we give each other what we don't get at home. Anyway, I then asked him what he wanted to tell me that night and what he meant when he said we was falling for me... after months of midnight talking, cuddling, escaping together, missing each other... the reply I got was 'probably something to get into your knickers' and that was it.
I've never felt so numb. Neither Lee or Charlie genuinely care about me and I will never mean to them what they ever meant to me. I feel so stupid for believing someone like Charlie would choose someone like me. I feel stupid for staying with Lee.
This month I've also failed my driving test for the second time and was unsuccessful for my promotion because there was a better candidate.
Now I'm at the point where I have cried enough to drown myself and tears no longer fall. Where I can now let myself go, I have nothing and nobody to get up in the morning for. I am numb.
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Comments
Firstly I just want to say well done for posting here. It's not always easy and offloading your thoughts and feelings like that can take a lot of energy and courage. I hope you found some relief in writing things out - it looks like you've had a rough time of it recently, by all accounts!
It really sounds like you've been on quite a journey, both yourself personally and with these two people, and it's totally understandable to be feeling numb after all of that. It can be pretty devastating being with someone when they're heading down one path and we're heading down another. Worse still, when you don't realise it until later down the line. I guess it's quite jarring - like it can leave you feeling a bit 'in shock' when suddenly that disconnect comes to the surface. Like a jolt back to reality.
Reading your post, I get the sense that you were quite drawn to Charlie as a bit of an escape from your relationship with Lee - is that fair to say?
When we're going through a crappy time or we're unhappy in a relationship, it's only natural to start wanting out and to be drawn to people we wouldn't otherwise be drawn to. Unfortunately, these types of situations can also be a nightmare for communication and setting realistic expectations; with lots of emotions at play, things can get messy quite easily!
It really sounds like things reached breaking point yesterday so I imagine you might still be processing things, but how do you feel today? Have you spoken to either of them?
I also just want to add that it's okay to cry and it's okay to be numb. Letting ourselves be with our emotions can be really important for healing and working these things out for ourselves. You're not stupid either - relationships and our personal journeys with them can be so complex and hindsight is always 20/20.
Well done again for reaching out to us and use this space as much as you need to. *hug*
Huge well done for reaching out, it' something many people find difficult! It sounds as though things are pretty rough for you at the minute, but that only means things can get better right?
Often, when we are unhappy we look for an escape, for you this was Charlie? However, sometimes this escape leads to bigger problems. The first port of call for you would be to try and communicate with Lee, tell him how you're feeling, try and see if things can work - or if you don't want that, then let him know.
Hope things work out for you, keep in touch.
Han