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T/W - problems with self
Misunderstood
Posts: 11 Settling in
Trigger warning - please read with discretion
So here's some context. It's got to the point where I've pushed most of the people I love in my life away and I'm feeling absolutely awful for it. My life has been extremely difficult since I've started thinking and feeling like this and I just feel utterly trapped, like there is no hope for my problem. I can't make new friends because of it, and I've lost contact with my current ones too. I'm damaging the relationship between my family who I love dearly but they don't seem to understand me well and we're falling out regularly.
I'm going to be honest here as I can't hold it in much anymore. I don't fit in with society. The way I am, how I appear and how I feel. I hate my appearance and the way I am - basically, I feel like my mind doesn't match up to my body. I hate the traits of my gender. The social norms, how people expect me to behave, how they behave and how relationships are expected to be between the opposite sex. I literally feel like an alien in this world - people don't understand me and don't want to understand me, just push me into one of their boxes. Most guys just seem to care about sex or how many people they've slept with - I couldn't care less. Yet no one seems to take this seriously, it's really hard for me to make friends as the guys just seem to want female attention all the time, and the girls think I'm interested in them for the wrong reasons. It's become a very lonely experience for me and no one seems to be empathetic in the least way. I hate my body, the way it looks, the way I sound and how I am. I start getting weird feelings of not liking my appearance and hating myself. Yet I don't want to transition over to the other sex - I don't feel like being transgender, I just want to be content and happy in the body I was given and how I am.
Whenever I see new groups of people forming, it absolutely hurts me how there's no space for me to fit in. I've been put off socialising because of this and now I don't really bother. I'm due to start university soon and as much as I can hide how I feel and force myself to socialise, behind closed doors I suffer servere breakdowns. I compare myself to the opposite sex too much in terms of looks or personality. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. It's hard enough to admit it in here anonymously, but I deal with this shame every day.
And now it's got to the point where I'm feeling so isolated and there's nothing I can do. I don't think therapists are trained to deal with these problems and whenever I managed to talk to someone they give me good advice sometimes, but I read something on the internet or heard my friends talk about something to do with gender norms/relationships and it breaks me - I relapse. I used to self harm in the past because of this because I felt like I had to punish who I was because I wasn't happy with myself. But I've stopped doing it in a way that leaves a mark. I'm still worried for myself and how I will be sometimes.
I'm an open person, if I'm sad, I don't try to wear others down but I don't like to bottle it in either. I like to make myself look good whether it's through clothes or hair, and I care about my appearance. I also want to care about others but I'm worried people will think I'm 'soft'. ell. Having too much personality seems to be looked down on in the social circle I'm in - "oh you like xyz, that's f*cking gay" and they'll just push me about like I'm some weak person they can take advantage of. I'm not allowed to be happy with how I look because it's 'vain' (even though it's hard for me to feel happy with myself).
Now I'm feeling really weak and I can't believe in myself anymore. Nearly the whole of July I've sat in bed with depression, not wanting to wake up. I've struggled making decisions and how I feel has affected nearly every facet of my life. I don't respect myself anymore and the relapses are so much common. I just want to be my own person, content in the body I'm in and happy with my own likes/dislikes as well. And respect people for theirs too. I want to live my own life the way I want to, not hurting others and not being pushed into some conception that others expect of me. I don't want to be dull and boring, bitter and miserable because I can't do what I like. I want to be happy with who I am and help others feel that way too.
Am I giving the wrong impression away to others? Maybe it's something else I'm not noticing that's making others dislike me and not the way I want to be? Or maybe I'm just going mad! I don't know, I would appreciate some helpful input if available. i just want to be content in my life and craft one that works for me so that I can start helping the people around me. Thank you.
So here's some context. It's got to the point where I've pushed most of the people I love in my life away and I'm feeling absolutely awful for it. My life has been extremely difficult since I've started thinking and feeling like this and I just feel utterly trapped, like there is no hope for my problem. I can't make new friends because of it, and I've lost contact with my current ones too. I'm damaging the relationship between my family who I love dearly but they don't seem to understand me well and we're falling out regularly.
I'm going to be honest here as I can't hold it in much anymore. I don't fit in with society. The way I am, how I appear and how I feel. I hate my appearance and the way I am - basically, I feel like my mind doesn't match up to my body. I hate the traits of my gender. The social norms, how people expect me to behave, how they behave and how relationships are expected to be between the opposite sex. I literally feel like an alien in this world - people don't understand me and don't want to understand me, just push me into one of their boxes. Most guys just seem to care about sex or how many people they've slept with - I couldn't care less. Yet no one seems to take this seriously, it's really hard for me to make friends as the guys just seem to want female attention all the time, and the girls think I'm interested in them for the wrong reasons. It's become a very lonely experience for me and no one seems to be empathetic in the least way. I hate my body, the way it looks, the way I sound and how I am. I start getting weird feelings of not liking my appearance and hating myself. Yet I don't want to transition over to the other sex - I don't feel like being transgender, I just want to be content and happy in the body I was given and how I am.
Whenever I see new groups of people forming, it absolutely hurts me how there's no space for me to fit in. I've been put off socialising because of this and now I don't really bother. I'm due to start university soon and as much as I can hide how I feel and force myself to socialise, behind closed doors I suffer servere breakdowns. I compare myself to the opposite sex too much in terms of looks or personality. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. It's hard enough to admit it in here anonymously, but I deal with this shame every day.
And now it's got to the point where I'm feeling so isolated and there's nothing I can do. I don't think therapists are trained to deal with these problems and whenever I managed to talk to someone they give me good advice sometimes, but I read something on the internet or heard my friends talk about something to do with gender norms/relationships and it breaks me - I relapse. I used to self harm in the past because of this because I felt like I had to punish who I was because I wasn't happy with myself. But I've stopped doing it in a way that leaves a mark. I'm still worried for myself and how I will be sometimes.
I'm an open person, if I'm sad, I don't try to wear others down but I don't like to bottle it in either. I like to make myself look good whether it's through clothes or hair, and I care about my appearance. I also want to care about others but I'm worried people will think I'm 'soft'. ell. Having too much personality seems to be looked down on in the social circle I'm in - "oh you like xyz, that's f*cking gay" and they'll just push me about like I'm some weak person they can take advantage of. I'm not allowed to be happy with how I look because it's 'vain' (even though it's hard for me to feel happy with myself).
Now I'm feeling really weak and I can't believe in myself anymore. Nearly the whole of July I've sat in bed with depression, not wanting to wake up. I've struggled making decisions and how I feel has affected nearly every facet of my life. I don't respect myself anymore and the relapses are so much common. I just want to be my own person, content in the body I'm in and happy with my own likes/dislikes as well. And respect people for theirs too. I want to live my own life the way I want to, not hurting others and not being pushed into some conception that others expect of me. I don't want to be dull and boring, bitter and miserable because I can't do what I like. I want to be happy with who I am and help others feel that way too.
Am I giving the wrong impression away to others? Maybe it's something else I'm not noticing that's making others dislike me and not the way I want to be? Or maybe I'm just going mad! I don't know, I would appreciate some helpful input if available. i just want to be content in my life and craft one that works for me so that I can start helping the people around me. Thank you.
0
Comments
Firstly, well done for posting this as you mentioned that it was all hard for you to admit! It really sucks that you feel this way and no one should feel alien to the world. If it is any reassurance, you are 100% not alone with how you feel and many people feel like they simply cannot be themselves. Have you ever thought of visiting a counsellor or someone to talk to who perhaps isn't a family member etc...? It could be good to try, however only do what you feel comfortable doing! These are all just potential suggestions. There are also places that you can contact to help with how you're feeling especially if you may not be comfortable to talk about these things face to face with someone just yet (we will link these contact details below).
Most universities have LGBT+ societies, which you can join even if it is to possibly meet people who are in a similar position to yours.
It can be very difficult to be your true self when we are surrounded by all these expectations of what people should and shouldnt be, particularly in terms of how you should look/behave based on your gender. Fortunately, there is more and more awareness regarding this and in a long time people have started to really accept that gender isn't as black and white as first thought! You should be able to be whoever you want without feeling judged and things like social media can really impact how we see ourselves and how much we like who we are. Just know that everyone is unique and there is not a single person on this planet who is identical or the same to someone else. We are all here to live our lives how we want, and you are great just the way you are!
Have you maybe considered that the way you are feeling could be influenced by people you are surrounded by? You mentioned that people in the social circle seem to judge a lot (not sure if you meant your social circle, or just generally groups of people). University could be a good place to start finding people you really could connect with on a deeper level and who may even be able to empathise with how you feel! There are so many societies you could join and/or sports so if that's something you're comfortable joining it could be a good experience (and remember, if you don't like it, you don't have to stick around!).
Here are the links that I mentioned previously to places you could contact who have more of a professional knowledge surrounding some of your concerns. We are all here for you and if you need to talk about anything or feel you would like to be directed somewhere else for further help, please do not hesitate to ask us. That's what we're here for!
Links:
http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ - This is just something you may want to consider at some point, so we've put this just so you know it's available.
https://www.relate.org.uk/ - some services here do charge, but have a look either way!
https://www.samaritans.org/ - Samaritans offer support particularly for people who may suffer with depression or mental illness - you mentioned in July you were feeling low, so this could be helpful
https://switchboard.lgbt/ - They can be reached by phone (0300 330 0630 open 10am-11pm every day) or via email to: chris@switchboard.lgbt They also have a web chat via their website.
Hope this helps and hope you're having a better day today!
Drea