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ShaunieShaunie England ๐Ÿ Posts: 9,232 Supreme Poster
I've tried ringing many services but i can't speak. I am feeling so very low right now. I dont see the point . I have no friends i have failed my college corse cause i am lazy so i will fail life cause I am to lazy to live. And for the past few days i have been physically self harming a lot which I never do and making me hate myself even more

I always tell myself if i keep on living he is winning. He wanted to humialte me but the thing is, it wasn't just in that moment, it's every single day i feel disgusting and I am constantly hating myself for his abuse. Everyday i am giving him what he wants and i can't seek help for it because it's to disgusting so he will get what he wants til the day i die which makes me suicidal. I dont want to give him that satifation anymore . I can't. It's makes me feel actually physically sick ><
I can't get over it either.

I dont see my life getting any better from now on. I dont see what will make me happy. I am so alone and everything feels empty and i cant take it .

I am so very weak to live this life and I feel selfish for thinking like this. I know apart of me doesn't want to think like it but i dont see many options.
I just hate myself and life feels so forced and My brain is so messy rn ๐Ÿ˜’ I need to try to sleep it off but i can't sleep
if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it

Comments

  • MikeMike Screen addict ๐ŸŽฎ LondonPosts: 2,537 Community Manager
    Hey Shaunie,

    I know you said you were going to try and sleep things off - how you feeling now? I hope you managed to get through the night okay.

    It may not feel like it, but the fact that you're posting here and talking with us is amazing. Despite having all those feelings about yourself, you're still managing to open up to everyone here and find the energy and courage to talk about this stuff, when often it's easier to just shut down completely. That doesn't sound like someone who is lazy or weak. *hug*

    It really sounds like this guy is taking up a lot of your time and head space, and things sound super intense for you in general at the mo. Remember where the crisis lines are if you need them - Samaritans & Papyrus.
    Shaunie wrote:
    Everyday i am giving him what he wants and i can't seek help for it because it's to disgusting so he will get what he wants til the day i die which makes me suicidal.

    Do you mind me asking what you're referring to here that's stopping you from getting professional help? It sounds like there might be a lot going on for you to unpack, and something like counselling might be a good thing to pursue if so. That's me making a few assumptions though - I'll let you get back before I go on any more, haha.

    Look after yourself Shaunie - you matter.
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Avatar credit: Gethin Oliver
  • MikeMike Screen addict ๐ŸŽฎ LondonPosts: 2,537 Community Manager
    Hey Shaunie,

    I've taken down your last few posts as they were a little too much for the boards - I hope that's okay. I can't imagine what it's like feeling so isolated with all those intense thoughts. :(

    How are you this morning? Do you feel safe at the moment? If you feel you're at breaking point then remember Samaritans or Papyrus are always there ready to talk. You can talk as freely as you like with them and hopefully they can help you through the heat of those moments.

    It can be tricky to know what to say in response to these kinds of posts, but for what it's worth we've always got time for you here. Even if there's not much we can say to truly touch on what you're feeling or give you any real answers, we're listening. *hug*
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Avatar credit: Gethin Oliver
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey shaunie,

    I am not sure what to say to make it better... but i wanted to say reach out to services when you feel ready. but until then I want you to know we listening and will continue to listen.
  • ShaunieShaunie England ๐Ÿ Posts: 9,232 Supreme Poster
    Hi
    Im so sorry. :( I cant remeber what i put now but im very sorry if it did trigger anyone.

    And thank you very much turtle and mike
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England ๐Ÿ Posts: 9,232 Supreme Poster
    Mike wrote: ยป

    Do you mind me asking what you're referring to here that's stopping you from getting professional help?

    Im going to try again and make an appointment to see my gp tomorrow and speak about this. I am going to write down what i want to say i just really dont like my gp. And im scared its going to get me no where else. And i just know i wont be able to make that clear how horribke i feel and how suicidal its making me feel.
    And i already know what they will say soemthing like " oh thats not disgusting at all, people do that for fun and for their fetish thing" already had that said to me on a site i try to seek help for. They wont understand . Like yes i know people do it all the time, im not that stupid but its not what i wanted at all and if you can imagine the situation how trapped and suffocated and helpless and disgusting i felt at that moment wouldnt be invaliating how i feel.but dont think anyone will undwrstand or try to cause they havent been in the same humilating situation. And it is disgusting imo.

    I know maybe i didnt have control at that moment but its far from the point. I feel disgusting. I choose to put myself with a person who i knew was abusive, no one forced me in that sense, so why do i think i shoukdnt take blame. It was only going to get worse, its obvious but i was too lonely.

    I dont want to be in a life where people treat people with that much disrespect. It makes me so sad and makes me feel like actual nothing, and peoppe can treat me like actual shit like i am an object/sex toy and my feeling wont matter cause its just me. It makes me question is there something wromg with me. That am a just a door matt and let people think it is okay to treat me like it
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Shaunie,

    I think that would be a good idea beacuse you could do with the support right now. I always say feel the fear and run with it beacuse things haven't been good and you deserve a shot at a silver lining and this is definatelly the way forward. What that person did was not right and as much as you wan't to blame yourself and hate yourself, people like that know what to say to make you feel guilty and make it seem like it's what you wanted. Fuck him, he's not going to destroy your life and everyday that you're alive and here on this earth it's like saying a big fuck you.

    Also, remember to do the pros and cons as uncomfortable as it is coming foward think about how you'd feel if you weren't able to comunicate what you wanted? It's going to make you feel worse right? and thats why you need to tell them and really put emphasis on how it's affecting your day to day life.It's an incredible difficult thing to talk about but I am so so proud of you for trying.

    When things come up that I don't want to remember it sends me straight to the pits of hell. It's the lingering shame and disgust that fills you right to the brim, it's one one that makes you want to crawl out of your skin and completely destach yourself from you because that way you won't remember but unfortunately suicide not only erradicates the chances of things getting worse, it irradicates the chances of things getting better.

    You're going to get better and things will get better even if it takes days, weeks or years whether you beleive it or not because I do. If you needed a sign today, consider this it. You need to keep fighting Shaunie, really dig deep for some of that strength.

    P.S you've got this *hug*
  • ShaunieShaunie England ๐Ÿ Posts: 9,232 Supreme Poster
    Thank you so very much Salix!!!
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England ๐Ÿ Posts: 9,232 Supreme Poster
    Why did it cut of my reply wtf i wrote so much more then that. Thought it would cause only showed that when i clicked preview so i copied it... Keeps doing that
    Ugh now not letting me repost it and saying its a copy
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England ๐Ÿ Posts: 9,232 Supreme Poster
    Made me think and youre right . Maybe realy uncomfotable saying it but more damaging now saying it. Cause i keep wanting to so just hope my appiintment goes well

    And i like your point of view of him not letting affect my life and will try to think of that more then my other point of view

    It is so easy to fall so deeply into self hate, shame and disgust and does make me want to distach myself from my feelings . When most times its just missplaced and just hard on myself.
    Sometimes i believe will all be better aswell. Dont believe it all the time but is slowly sticking to me.

    But thank you so much!!
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
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