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Opening up- years of abuse

ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,606 Boards Champion
I have problem opening up with anyone for valid reasons. I want to open up on here as a first step.

For 16 years I was severely neglected. And it's quiet disgusting and embarrassing,but I can speak about it a bit more now because i dont live there. And i had no control over it. My mum had full control over it. She was physically unwell, but wouldn't let my Dad do anything about it.

Things in the house would start to break and it wouldn't be fix. No hot water, no heating, no washing machine and basically nothing but a shit hole, i could barely wash myself. I had to look after myself, washing all my clothes by hand, barely a bed to sleep and using kettles to just get clean -taking hours. No matter how many times I argued with them nothing would change. I didn't want to tell anyone because i felt disgusting. She normalised it saying things like "oh Johnny across the road is probably living like this"

Only when I would spend weekend with a friend, it would hit me. When I would get home, I would cry for hours, then pick myself back up and try to look after myself.

The lack of control made me develop anorexia, the only thing I could control was what i ate. Even getting the blame for it because they "couldn't handle twins"

Then my Dad got depressed and tried to kill himself twice. And getting angry, pushing my Mum to the floor shouting & holding a knife up against her throat. All of which for a 13 year old was horrible to see. And occasoccasionally hitting me. Threatening to kill us all.

Unfortually I opened up to one person i was in a relastuonship with. And once i did, I instantly became at risk of more abuse. He realise no matter what he did to me, I would still love him because that's all i wanted was to feel and be loved cause i didn't from my parents. Where he would pin me against walls and force sex, but after all he was lovely the next day.

And thats what i lived off. Where that makes it my fault, I'm not sure cause i could of stoped going there knowing it would probably happen again. But i was stupid and naive.

I'm scared of men and im scared of life. Of more abuse, because I dont think i could take it. I've never been in a darker place in my life. Which frustrates me is, it should be the opposite, I'm living some where else and i should be happy. But im not and that what is so disappointing and painful. Because all i ever wanted was to be able to do the basic things to look after myself. Maybe im just ungrateful. And no matter what happens in my life, I'm still going to be depressed. That's what I cant face.
Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're not being ungrateful. You're justified in feeling aggreived at being deprived and victimised.

    What was the reason for your parents not providing you with basic facilities? Were they very poor? Did they have addictions that they spent most of their money on? Were they lazy and wouldn't have things fixed?

    How many siblings do you have? Were they treated just as badly by your parents?

    Was the relationship with the rapist the only intimate relationship you've been in?

    What's your living situation now? Do you live on your own? With other family? With housemates/friends?
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 The Mix convert
    Sounds like you have had a hard time, sorry to here all of this. You have done amazing about opening up about everything which has happened, and I would like to say thankyou.

    This abuse is never your fault and you shouldn't have to go through this. Your defeniantly not ungrateful.

    There is someone out there which will look after you and not cause you pain or abuse, you don't deserve any of this. It dose get better and this is when the abuse stops.

    Well done and stay strong

    Harriet
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,606 Boards Champion
    Thank you Harriet
    They had shit load of money but they didn't care enough to do anything about it
    I live with my Dad and sister in a different house. My Dad is better now. My mum still living in the shit hole and couldnt care less.
    She comes round on weekends. So weekends is just arguing because even her voice annoys me and her face. She doesn't leave the house so my Dad buys her all the her food to her. And he is completely controlled by her. We live down yhe road so thats the only time she leaves.
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why are your parents spending so much time together when they live apart? Are they still a couple?
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,169 Moderator
    Hey Shaunie,

    I just wanted to say how brave you are for opening up here on the boards. This can be really hard to do so you should be so proud of yourself :). It sounds like you've been going through such a difficult time. Like Harriet said, it's important to understand that none of this is your fault and there is help out there.

    There's a couple of support services that you might find useful for more information and advice around neglect. I've listed a couple below :)

    Childline – offer a range of support for young people under the age of 19 with any issue they’re going through. There’s some information about neglect here and some advice on how to tell someone what’s going on – you can call, chat online or email childline.

    Gov.uk - has some information around reporting neglect which might be useful to read.

    ​There's also some expert advice about neglect on The Mix website here. The article mentions telling someone you trust about what you're going through, such as a teacher, extended family member, or family friend. You mentioned you opened up to someone you were in a relationship with in the past, I understand how hard it must feel to try this again after what happened. Is there someone else close to you that you trust that you could open up to?

    If you ever feel things are getting too much and a bit overwhelming, Samaritans or Papyrus are places you can go to for crisis support.

    Do keep posting here to let us know how things are going, we are here for you :)
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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