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My recent decisions..

KaydenKKaydenK Posts: 211 The Mix convert

As most of you know i have had a difficult time lately.. i did something stupid which has only left me in a lot of physical pain the last few days. I just wanted to take a minute to apologise to the members of themix and themix staff. I know i have been a handful lately. This is probably due to me not having my anti-psychotic meds for almost a week, you would probably think i was stupid if i told you why.. it was a mistake, i had 3 assessments and so much on my mind that i forgot to pick up a prescription.

Im ready to accept any backlash for the pain and upset i have caused.. i deserve it. Ive now been put on anti-depressants aswell as my anti-psychotic meds. I have BPD and i dont know how to deal with it.. i have been so very angry recently because if my family didnt put me through abuse for most of my life i probably wouldnt be suffering with mental health..

My symptoms got worse today, i was walking to the shop and for the first time ever i felt like i had left my body, i went very light and couldnt control any of my body, all i could see was me falling.. i managed to snap out of it before i hit the ground.. but i was almost in the road and i dont know how it happened.

My alcohol usage has gotten out of control, im still drinking everynight but havent felt able to discuss it with my support worker.. it helps me keep going. Ive lost all family due to the domestic violence i went through, i have no friends, its a very lonely world for me at the moment.. its just me and the voices.

Again, i want to apologise for my suicidal behaviour, i shouldnt of brought it to themix i should of kept it to myself. I understand if you are all annoyed at me, you have every right to be.. i understand if you hate me, because at the moment i hate myself.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey kayden like horsemad said not angry. Just hope you can feel better soon. With talking to your support worker about alcohol .. do you think that it would help to talk to her ?

    Take good care of yourself
  • MikeMike Posts: 1,594 Staff Moderator
    Hey Kayden,

    I just wanted to chip in with a voice from the team. It's really kind of you to post this. :)

    As the others here have said, though, we're certainly not angry or annoyed at you. A lot of the members of this community know what it's like to be in a really vulnerable position, so we're not judging you or thinking badly of you for it, particularly given your lack of meds. You've been so courageous to keep on fighting and willing to talk through everything that's been going on, and if anything that deserves a lot of respect.

    Although we do have certain boundaries, we're all still here to support you and wishing you our best. You're a core and valued member of this community and have been for some time. :yes:

    With what you described about leaving your body, do you think you might be experiencing dissociation? Mind have some good info on what exactly that is and the different types out there, and also how you can go about dealing with it. It often ties into flashbacks and triggers which I know you've talked a bit about before.

    Let us know how you get on *hug*
    "900 years of time and space and I've never met someone who wasn't important.”
     - The 11th Doctor
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,049 The Mix Elder
    Hey Kayden :heart:

    I don't really know what to say, but I want you to know we all care about you lots, and are here for you. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. Sending *hug*s

    You have nothing be sorry for, we are all here for you :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • KaydenKKaydenK Posts: 211 The Mix convert
    Hi all thank you for your replies. Only now getting back to you as ive spent all weekend in bed and sleeping.. i dont like going out anymore, everytime im walking i feel like im not in my body and what happened the other day is going to happen again. I only go out to the shop to get alcohol, other than that i stay indoors. I dont want to tell my support worker as i know how mental it sounds, i dont want to sound like a freak.

    Well, i feel so empty and exhausted. Ignored phone calls from the crisis team all weekend. Cant be asked telling people how i feel to just be told to distract myself.. my support worker hasnt seen me since last tuesday (shes been off on annual leave) its been the other support worker dealing with me. I know shes going to knock my door in the morning to see how im doing. Just dont know what to say..
  • KaydenKKaydenK Posts: 211 The Mix convert
    So i really messed up today.. crisis team phoned me and said they wanted to meet me today at 2, i refused as the dissociation scared me on the weekend so i wont leave the house but i didnt tell them this. Then they were like "well how do we move forward, do you even want input from the crisis team" i said yes but i cant leave the house then she was like "do you want input from the crisis team" which just made me think they are pushing me to discharge myself.. so i had an outburst on the phone and told them im sick of phoning to be told to distract myself or go to sleep i told you all to stop saying it but you still did.. then i told them im discharging myself. And they happily accepted that.

    I realised how snappy i was and shouldnt of ended it like that, i was just angry and scared. I phoned them back and spoke to the same person, i was crying and apologised to them. Explained a bit about why i wont leave the house. Then she said "yeah but earlier you said how the crisis team wasnt lets say worth while" .. she said you go through stages of wanting us then not wanting us. We will still be continuing to discharge you today. Ring us if you need us, speak soon. Then she put the phone down.

    So never in my life will i be phoning the crisis team again.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 5,209 The Mix Elder
    Nice to hear from you Kayden.
    Have the crisis team transferred your care to anyone else?
    I was with the crisis team after being in hospital and discharged myself straight away. I didnt regret it but I was obviously in a bad place so they should of questioned it more. So understandably you feel that way.
    I'm a way it might be helpful they aren't involved if they aren't just telling you to distract yourself and annoying you if you have no care after then that wouldn't help.
    I'm not sure if you can referr yourself to tbe crisis team but maybe ring them and ask what happens now and what support you will get. The crisis team is a very short term support anyway.
    And could you not ask them to come to you if you can't leave the house?
    If feel unsafe ring someone
    We are all here to support you on here.
    The moon taught me: its okay to go through phases. 🌙 The sun taught me : no matter how many times you go down, keep rising🌤
  • KaydenKKaydenK Posts: 211 The Mix convert
    Hey Shaunie,

    The crisis team have put in a request with the cmht to see if they will care manage me.. get this.. im on anti-psychotics but a normal gp cannot increase or change the meds, a psychiatrist would need to but they wouldnt care manage me in the past so my meds couldnt be increased. Makes sense doesnt it??

    I tried to talk to them after my outburst but they didnt want to hear.. i can contact the crisis team after 5pm anytime but 9-5 it would be the cmht. They wont come to me lol they refused, wanted me to go to their centre.

    Their service is just a joke..
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 5,209 The Mix Elder
    That doesnt make sense aha.
    Can anyone contact the crisis team after 5pm?
    And thats completely wrong that they wouldn't come to You because I swear that's in their job title. They do seem the sort who want people discharged as soon as possible.
    Are you not with any other service. Like personality disorder service? Cause surely they should stay with you til that refereal
    The moon taught me: its okay to go through phases. 🌙 The sun taught me : no matter how many times you go down, keep rising🌤
  • KaydenKKaydenK Posts: 211 The Mix convert
    I live in wales, down here its mon-fri before 5pm contact the cmht. If on weekends or after 5pm you contact the crisis team. They just wouldnt come out to me. I wasnt wasting bus fare for a 10 min chat. Yes they do seem the sort, they are always like it.
    Im not with any other service, i didnt even know there was a borderline personality disorder service. Nope, they have left me on my own. And if when i get assessed the cmht wont care manage me i will have no mental health support
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 5,209 The Mix Elder
    That's so wrong they have left you on your own. Where I live there is a personality disorder service. Which look at bpd. You.couod try and refer yourself to a service? Throight gp or somethjng ? Have you ever had therapy or proper support from NHS?
    Swear they just throw out pills.
    The moon taught me: its okay to go through phases. 🌙 The sun taught me : no matter how many times you go down, keep rising🌤
  • KaydenKKaydenK Posts: 211 The Mix convert
    Its normal these days though isnt it. To be left on your own by services. Ive had a look at things related to bpd but there isnt a service in my city. My city is shit when it comes to the mental health services. I have never had any therapy or been offered therapy by the NHS. Just medication
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 5,209 The Mix Elder
    Never been offered it ? That's shocking. Expect medication to just work by self, when doesn't always
    The moon taught me: its okay to go through phases. 🌙 The sun taught me : no matter how many times you go down, keep rising🌤
  • KaydenKKaydenK Posts: 211 The Mix convert
    Nope never been offered it at all. On a waiting list for a private counsellor. But only have to pay £5 each session as im on benefits so its alright. Been waiting for specialist counselling for the sexual abuse i went through since october last year..
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 5,209 The Mix Elder
    That's really shit. Sorry.
    I hope that the couselling works out ok. I'm not really sure what couselling is or if there a difference between counselling and therpy but hopefully still goes well!
    Like say when you go in hospital for self harm, did they tell you about services that could help? Or refer you? Or have a care co ordinator?
    Makes you wonder how bad you have yo be to get therapy where you live? Like on your death bed or what
    The moon taught me: its okay to go through phases. 🌙 The sun taught me : no matter how many times you go down, keep rising🌤
  • KaydenKKaydenK Posts: 211 The Mix convert
    No they didnt mention any services. I keep thinking the abuse was my fault. My mum would make sure i texted him. Went mad with me when i didnt so in the end i texted him whatever he wanted to hear to keep my mum happy. Is this my fault?
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