Bad Past- Reminded every birthday

Former Member · March 2017

So my childhood wasn't great and every year at this time it gets reminded of the most as it gets closer to my birthday which is on the 18th March. (I'm 20 in 3 days!!!)

So with my childhood I was taken away from my birth parents at a young age due to them being unable to look after me and I was put into care. At 2 I was then adopted out and lived with my adoptive parents ever since. Every time it gets to my birthday (also sometimes Christmas) I think about my situation and whether I want to see my birth parents again and give them a second chance or if they deserve it or not after what they put me through.

Is it normal to feel like this? Want as many replies as possible and if anyone has any experiences of their own linked to this would be nice to hear them!

Former Member · March 2017

Hi Aidan. Thanks for the reply. Yeah it is tough to be reminded about stuff like this especially when my birthday is meant to be a happy time. Yeah I'm nearly 20 so I am old enough to find them if I want to and I don't know what I want to do for the best too be honest. Yeah I know it would be right for them to be my parents again considering they obviously put me in care because they couldn't look after me. I just want them to be part of my family as after all they are the ones that brought me into this world!!! They didn't choose to put me into care, I had to go into care because one of them had a mental illness and one was aggressive so it wasn't save for me to stay with them. I know with what they put me through most people would probably tell me its not worth looking for them after that but part of me wants to see them again or have them as part of my life again but also I don't know if I should. I am 50/50 about the whole situation. Thanks for the help Aidan x

Former Member · March 2017

Laura, it's your choice. Have you asked your adoptive family what they think? Do you get on well with them? Did they give you a good upbringing?

Former Member · March 2017

Thanks for the reply again Aidan. Thanks for the information. Right now I don't know what to do for the best, I guess they did what was best for me in the past but it has always had a big impact on my life what I went through as a child. Always here for you to Aidan.

Hi Robert thanks for the reply. Yeah I know its my choice and its hard to know what to do for the best right now. I haven't spoken to my adoptive family because I don't want them to feel they haven't done a good job of bringing me up, they have been amazing parents. I just feel that they wont understand that I'm feeling like this about my birth parents with what they put me through. I do get on with my adoptive parents its just I find it hard to mention about my birth parents because I don't want them to feel bad. I had a good upbringing thanks. I feel I can talk to my auntie more than my adoptive parents too be honest if that makes sense.

Former Member · March 2017

If I were in your position, I would want to see my biological family. Bear in mind that they probably gave you up for adoption because they couldn't / wouldn't look after you and they were probably neglecting you severely. Social services probably noticed that you weren't being looked after and suggested to them that it would be better if you were adopted. If you do meet them, be prepared for all possibilities: your bio parents could be awful people. They may have split up. They may have new partners and/or other children. They may live a long distance away from you. They might be seriously ill, dead or in prison. They might not welcome you. They might live in poverty, have problems with drink, drugs etc. They may become a burden to you. On the other hand, they might welcome you and love you - and then you'd be a part of two families.

Former Member · March 2017

Do you feel that you can talk to your adoptive family about wanting to see your bio family? Have you ever talked to your adoptive family about your bio family?

If you're still unsure, you could contact adoptees who've been in your situation and ask them how things went for them.

You didn't have any say about the circumstances of your early life or the decision that you be adopted, so you shouldn't feel bad about it. Your bio parents' inadequacy isn't your fault.

Many adoptees feel rejected. However, most have a significantly better life with their adoptive family than they'd have had if they'd stayed with their bio family or been raised in a children's home. Be pleased that you were taken in by a good couple who gave you a decent life.

Former Member · March 2017

Yes, if you find out what they're like you'll feel better. Even if they're a nightmare and you never want to see them again, at least you'll have closure. Although they're your blood family, they're strangers. If you decide to meet them, it might be better to take a friend with you. Or you could just see them on webcam rather than meeting them in person.

Former Member · March 2017

Hi Robert thanks for the reply. Yeah I want to see my biological family again but what you have said is a good point. There is 2 ways of seeing this situation and that's why I don't know what to do for the best. Yeah I could contact other adoptees that have been in my position- is there a certain website for this?! No i didn't have any say on what happened in my past because it happened at a young age so i didn't really understand what was going on. Yeh i have had a better life with my adoptive family. Is it normal to feel that you more likely to be able to communicate with your auntie then your parents? I just feel that my auntie is the only auntie i have known whereas with my adoptive parents i don't feel i can openly talk to them?! Yeah it might feel better to know what they are like but on the other hand it might not help. Yeh if I do meet them in person I will take someone with me or might just do it online instead until I know for sure what I want to do.

Hi Ella thanks for the reply. Thanks for the advice and I can see where u are coming from, thanks a lot

Former Member · March 2017

Many people prefer another family member over their parents.

Have you had no contact with your bio family since you were two?

Have you talked about this issue with any of your friends?

Former Member · March 2017

ok that's fine then, I haven't had any contact with my biological family since I was 2 although I think my parents still contact them to let them know how we are getting on, no I keep tis to myself because they wont understand

One-in-a-million · March 2017

Hi Lura just popped in to see how you were. This sounds like an awkward position to be in. How would you feel about contacting them and then deciding if you want to stay in contact with them or not. I would say it is perfectly normal to want to know your birth family

Former Member · March 2017

I think it would be best to find out what sort of people they are first - then you can decide if you want to meet them.

There must be organisations, support groups etc. for adoptees. They should be able to help you.

Former Member · March 2017

One in a million thanks for the reply. I'm not good too be honest ill private message you. Yeh it is an awkard situation. I might contact them and then see if I want to stay in touch with them or not. Yeh I want to know them but at the same time I don't know if its the right thing to do.

Robert thanks for the reply. thanks for the advice and what organisations can help?

Former Member · March 2017

An example is a forum called Adult Adoptee Support, where you can have conversations with other adoptees. They'll be able to give you more information.

Former Member · March 2017

Hi Laura,
Have you asked your adoptive parents if they have any way for you to get in contact with your biological parents? Maybe this would be good for the way you're feeling, but also, it could make you feel worse, depends if you really want to see them? So you get on well with your adoptive parents?
Alice xx

Former Member · March 2017

Yes, try that - although they may not have contact details for them. It may take quite a lot of time to track them down, especially if they've moved around a lot or changed their names. If they have common names, it may be difficult to distinguish between them and other people who share their names when you're searching for them.

Former Member · March 2017

Hi Pink and Fluffy. I haven't spoken to my adoptive parents because I don't want them to feel they haven't done a good job of looking after me because they have done such an amazing job. I just want some answers from them about my situation too be honest. I do get on with my adoptive parents but at the same time I don't think that I can bring up about wanting to see my biological parents because I don't want them to feel bad if you get what I mean. I know its not there fault the situation I was in but at the same time they may feel bad because they know their parents.

Hi Robert. Ill try that but I think my parents do keep in contact with my biological parents so if I have the confidence to sepak to them it might give me answers quicker

Former Member · March 2017

Try telling your adoptive parents that you're grateful to them and that you want to know more about your past. The information that your adoptive parents have should help you decide if you want to meet your biological parents.

Is it just this issue that you feel uncomfortable talking to your adoptive parents about - or is it difficult for you to talk to them about any deep, meaningful subject? Are they cold secretive people or warm open people?

Former Member · March 2017

Hi Robert. Thanks for the reply. I will try to talk to my adoptive parents but I know its going to be a hard conversation to have with them. Yeh if they have information that can help about my biological parents that would be good. I find it hard to talk to my parents about any situation too be honest even though I know they will want to help.

Bad Past- Reminded every birthday

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