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Bad memories

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I find the memories of hospital and the bad things that happened during my time there are very persistent and do not go away. It's like they are stuck in my mind and won't leave me alone. And sometimes when they get very bad I start talking out loud.

For example, remembering when I would be caught and taken back, I sometimes start pleading out loud, begging them not to take me back. It also makes me shake, my heart goes fast, my breathing goes weird and I get a horrible floating feeling.

Is this normal? How do I stop it? I worry someone will see me or hear me and think I'm ill again. Luckily I am alone most of the time, but I am scared someone will be there when it happens one day.


  • NikkiNikki Posts: 131 Boards Initiate
    Hi strixnebulosa, sorry to hear you've been feeling like this. It's really brave of you to reach out and seek help on the boards.

    When you say that it makes you shake and your heart go fast, have you had these symptoms before you went into hospital? It might be helpful to talk confidentially to your GP about your symptoms and get a clearer understanding.

    However, it is quite common to have physical reactions to distressing thoughts, and I'm sure that others here may have felt the same way at some point.

    Do you have a trusted friend that you can share your persistent thoughts with? Or if you would like to talk to someone anonymously over the phone, do not hesitate to contact Samaritans. By sharing your thoughts, it will also ease some of your worry of "getting caught".

    Keep us updated and if you need to talk, we're here to listen. *hug*
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I have the same worry as you!

    I sometimes talk out loud and worry that people will think im crazy or Ill again
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for your responses.

    Nikki, this didn't happen before they put me away. It was only afterwards that I noticed it. I can't talk to my GP as I already have a care co-ordinator, but she is very bad and keeps trying to put me back in hospital.

    I am scared of mentioning it to friends or family because I do not want anyone to have any reason to lock me up and drug me up again. Thank you, I have called Samaritans before and they can be very kind.

    Thank you, Steph, I hope you are ok.
  • Cat88Cat88 Moderator Posts: 377 Boards Initiate
    Hi strixnebulosa, just checking in to see how you're doing today? It's understandable that you're nervous of being put into hospital again, so hopefully Samaritans are helpful when you need them?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey @strixnebulosa, how are you doing?

    We are always here for you to talk to when you need us. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not doing very well. Recently my care co-ordinator came round, said it was make or break, go outside or hospital. I managed to step out, and they've upped my meds. Looks like they're going to go down the drugging me up route again. They're trapping me, I have to be so careful, I have to watch what I say, make sure I don't say anything they can use to put me away.

    The Samaritans are very weird. They say they can't advise, but then tell me I need to work with my care team. So that kind of removes them as an option now. They don't seem to understand that they're setting me up, planting thoughts in my mind.

    I've been feeling very bad, becoming more reliant on self harm again, which is annoying. A lot of the advice for stopping self harm is aimed at one particular method, it doesn't really help me. Having trouble with my voices too. And I've been feeling very low, thinking about suicide a lot. Sometimes I start 'practising' things for it. It's stupid because I don't want to die. But the thoughts they planted in my brain won't go away. I am afraid of losing control.

    And the bad dreams won't stop. The meds make them worse, but I'm scared that if I don't take them they can use that as an excuse to hospitalise me. I've been skipping the morning dose, only taking the night time dose. Everything is a mess.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I just wanted to send you some love šŸ’™šŸ’š
  • NikkiNikki Posts: 131 Boards Initiate
    Hi strixnebulosa, so sorry to hear you are not doing well at the moment, and that Samaritans have not been as helpful as you had hoped. You might want to try HopelineUK (0800 068 4141) from Papyrus instead. It is open until 10pm daily, and can provide a substitute for Samaritans until you are ready to speak to them again.

    You say that one particular method is not helping you stop self harm, you may find some further info on Self Harm UK. The site has lots of articles and information - including Alternatives and Distractions - that could provide some constructive relief. Also TESS is a text and email self harm support group that you could try. There's also tons of supportive information on Self Injury UK.

    You said you're hearing voices, can you remember what is being said? As you have recently upped your meds, it may take some time to adjust. And yes, they may be the reason you are having bad dreams. I hope they settle in eventually. Is it possible that you could monitor your side effects and change your meds if things get progressively worse?

    If you ever feel like you are in danger, please do not hesitate to contact or go to your local A&E.

    It's great that you are reaching out on here, so if it helps do keep talking.

    Sending lots of hugs *hug*

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you, Steph95.

    Thank you, Nikki. I have text Hopeline UK, hopefully they can help. And thank you for the links for self harm support.

    My voices are quite erratic at the moment, they change subject on a dime, but they cover a lot of the same topics: warning me about being mind controlled; how worthless and pathetic I am; needing to plan escape routes; persuading me to harm myself.

    I want to just not take any meds at all. I might just stop. They aren't helping me, they are just messing with my brain.

    I can't ever go to A&E. I am never ever going to go to a hospital again. I never even want to see one again. I want them erased.

    I feel so awful. Been contemplating dying. I don't see any way to fix this situation.
  • NikkiNikki Posts: 131 Boards Initiate
    Hi strixnebulosa, hope you're having a good week? Did you manage to talk to Hopeline?

    I thought you might be interested in a Hearing Voices support group, or to just have a look around the website for resources and info. Have the voices changed in any way since last week?

    Sending hugs
    Nikki :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi, Nikki, thank you.

    Hopeline weren't very useful. I text them and they kept asking the same things in different ways. So I guess that means there really is no hope.

    Thank you, unfortunately I can't get to any groups because of agoraphobia, but I am always experimenting with new ways to keep my voices at bay. They have been more erratic than usual. They demand I listen and they keep insisting there are hidden symbols and messages in things - from the news to the way the froth settles on a mocha. And they rant on about how I am causing disasters all over the globe. It's difficult to hear. I think about deafening myself so I don't have to listen anymore.
  • DreaDrea The Mix Posts: 292 Budding Regular
    Hey strixnebulosa,
    Hope you're feeling better today. This is clearly bothering you, and rightfully so!
    You are definitely not the cause of disasters around the world! Those sorts of things are out of your hands so theres no way you are the cause! :) It sucks that helpline weren't as useful. One other suggestion is that you could always talk to someone through samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us)
    and you can tell them about how helpline kept asking the same things in different ways. They may be able to help you in other ways :)

    Speak soon,
    Drea :heart:
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