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Not ready to have sex with boyfriend, not sure I can trust him to understand

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
I want to apologise in advance for the super long post but I am not good at explaining things.

So my boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months now, however I’ve actually known him for about 5 or 6 years. We met through mutual acquaintances. About 10 months ago we went on a group holiday together, and while nothing happened between us on holiday he said that it made him see me in a different light, after that it became pretty obvious that he had feelings for me and things kind of developed from there.

I was very unsure at the time of what to do because I didn’t have feelings for him. In fact at that point I had already begun to entertain the idea that I might be asexual as although I had been in relationships in the past I had never had the types of feelings that people describe having when they fancy anyone. I have definitely never been in love. I have still not come to a conclusion as to whether I am asexual or not as I also suffer from depression and am debating whether or not to go to the Dr’s to see about getting my hormones checked and whether something else could be the cause but that’s not the point.

I had joined up to Aven the asexuality forums and had asked around there for advice and after hearing what people there as well as what my friends had to say I decided to go for it. I thought that he was such a nice guy that he deserved a chance and from what I knew of him as a friend I knew he would make a good boyfriend and so we started dating and I hoped, as I had done in my previous relationships, that my feelings would develop overtime.

We haven’t had sex. Despite dating for 9 months, and I know that’s all on me. I know he really wants to and he has been hinting at it more and more recently, asking me to spend the night or go to a hotel somewhere but I don’t know if I can. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve slept with someone without fancying them, as I said I have been in relationships before where I never fancied the guy, they have been sexual. But this time feels different and I'm not sure why. Part of the issue is that we both still live at home with parents and I am a very private person and refuse to have sex when someone else could walk in on us or even could hear us from a different room etc. There is never a time that we have a house to ourselves as my dad is disabled and doesn’t work and can’t really leave the house and he has a big family with younger siblings all living at home, so someone is always there.

Another issue is me, again. My last relationship ended when I was 20 so its been 4 years since I’ve been in a relationship and 4 years since I’ve had sex. I was never particularly confident in my skills in bed in the first place but now that its been so long I feel completely in over my head and uncomfortable and generally quite anxious with the idea of having sex again, in general, not just with him. I also have a really low sex drive. Like insanely low, I could probably go with never having sex again in my life and not really care (again I don’t know if this is just me and it’s a sexuality thing or a depression thing or a medical thing, I haven’t had the confidence to go a Dr about it yet).

The other big issue is that we haven't spoken about any of this, which again, is largely my issue as I am not an open person and find it very difficult to speak about my feelings. However there have been a few incidents recently that has made me doubt really trusting him with my emotions. We’ve only fooled around a couple times recently but the first time we, how do I say this, manually stimulated each other, after we, you know, finished, he made a big thing out of taking a big sniff of his fingers and making fun of how I smell. Now that to me is a huge no no and felt like a punch in the gut, like, I can’t be the only girl out there who has worried about her smell. I have never smelled another girl so for all I know I could smell disgusting compared to everyone else. I know he meant it as a joke and when I told him that it was not funny he promised me he wouldn’t do it again but it made me hesitant to let him anywhere down again, and has kind of enhanced my anxiety about sex.

The other things have been smaller. He has, a couple of times, dismissed my point of view if it’s something that he doesn’t agree or understand. Like I am trying to eat healthily and diet right now and he keeps saying that we should go for ice cream or get a take away and every time he comes round to mine he buys junk food for us to eat. I have asked him to stop because I am trying to lose weight and he just says that it doesn’t matter, he thinks I look good so I don’t need to lose weight and that it’s just one pizza or just one ice cream and it won’t make a difference. When I’ve pointed out to him that it’s not just one pizza etc. and that it does make a difference, just because he can eat rubbish and stay skinny doesn’t mean I can, he just goes back to the so what I think you look good stance and doesn’t really register what I am saying.

Like I said these things sound small but I feel like if I can’t trust him to be understanding or accepting of my feeling on these things then how can I expect or trust him with my thoughts and feelings on the big issues I mentioned above.I know he isn’t doing it intentionally, he is genuinely a nice guy and doesn’t like to hurt people. He just isn’t very sensitive and he is also super confident and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of him and he seems to live in his own little bubble sometimes where it genuinely doesn’t occur to him that not everyone is the same as him. I don’t want to break up with him but I do want to somehow make him see, as I am perhaps an overly sensitive person, things from my perspective and improve our communication so that he understands where I am coming from so that I can start to trust him more with my emotions again and therefor can start discussing the big issues of sex and feeling etc. but I have never been good at speaking to people in general and even worse at speaking about my feelings so I have no idea where to start. I should probably also mention that we have a 4 day break booked to go to London in December at which point he will definitely expect sex so we really need to get this sorted by then.

I don’t really know what kind of response I am looking for but I have no one else to talk to so any and all advice would be welcome.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Honestly, this is going to sound really selfish but I thought that if I was never going to fancy anyone then my choices were to settle down with someone I don’t fancy or to be alone forever. And I thought if I was going to be with someone that I don’t fancy then it might as well be someone who I knew was kind and generous and funny and who I knew I got on well and could have fun with. And despite what I wrote before he is all those thing. The thing is he hasn’t expressed any kind of unhappiness with our relationship so far. Although he has hinted that he wants to move thing on sexually he has never complained about the lack of sex or pressured me to go further. So maybe I am being naive but I always just assumed that he was ok with the way things have been going

    I think it’s absolutely me who has changed, or my outlook at least. I had never heard about asexuality until after my previous relationship had ended. I had no idea that there were other people who felt like me, I always assumed that I was just weird. So in my previous relationships, I guess I just didn’t think that sex was optional. If that makes sense. Like you said, it’s unusual for people who are in a relationship to go without sex so I always just assumed that if I was in a relationship then I must have sex, so I did. I did somewhat enjoy it, I was never an instigator, there would be times when I would refuse, and I was never turned on just at the thought of having sex but once foreplay etc began then I would usually get in to it, and although I’ve never found it to be an amazing experience, I usually did enjoy it.

    But then once I discovered that asexuality was a thing and I went and looked up the Aven site etc I suddenly came across hundreds of people who were like me, and there were dozens of people on there talking about how they were in a relationship, even with sexual people, but didn’t have sex. So all of a sudden I realised that actually, I didn’t have to have sex. And I think since then, being surrounded by people who actively avoided and disliked sex, reading posts about them talking about why they don’t like sex has jaded me, if that makes sense. So before, while it was never my favourite activity, I was never sex adverse – now it has somehow developed in to being this big thing, if that makes sense. And I don’t want it to be, I want to enjoy sex, but I’m not sure how I know how to any more.

    I’ve been depressed for years, and not just one or two. My first major depressive episode (at least the first that I remember) happened when I was roughly 10/11 years old… so, long before I would have developed a sex drive. Sometimes it’s not so bad and it kind of falls in to the back ground but it never really goes away. Tbh I don’t know who I would be without depression, I have suffered from it for so long that I don’t know where me and my personality ends and the depression begins.

    I do kind of remember having a silly crush on a boy when I was in primary school, although I mainly remember the fact that my mum found out and teased me about it. But I have never had a crush or the feelings that go along with that since. And yes, although I would like to enjoy sex while in a relationship I could easily go the rest of my life without it and I don’t think it would bother me at all.
  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 Mega Poster
    Hey,

    I think you're in a really tough situation so well done for being able to post about it. I think they key here is to talk to him - not just about how he makes you feel when he does thinks like making jokes about how you smell (to me that sounds more like immaturity than him actually wanting to hurt you) but also how you feel about sex. Is this his first relationship? Perhaps he doesn't understand the depth of emotion when taking things to the next step?

    It could be that it is time for you to call the relationship a day if you want different things - but it could be that you could work on things together and maybe explore your relationship in different ways before making that decision. There is nothing wrong with not having sex within a relationship so I wouldn't feel pressured from that side - but it could start to get in the way if he wants something different.

    I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you need to talk to him - it won't be an easy conversation, but I think it needs to be had. Good luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve_ wrote: »
    Are there many things which you really enjoy? If not, did you previously enjoy things? Anhedonia is a negative symptom of some mental disorders.

    It sounds like your depression has stopped you having a sex drive. To start suffering from major depression at 10 or 11 means that you probably inherited it. Have you been diagnosed with major depressive disorder? Have you been diagnosed with any other mental disorders? You may benefit from (a change in) medication. Some medication can affect sex drive. Look at the leaflet in any medication you may take to see if that may be a cause.

    Are you an introvert who likes to spend a lot of time alone - or are you outgoing and like to be around people a lot? Do you have good friendships?

    Would you like to be able to feel sexual attraction and have a fulfilling sex life? Or would you prefer to be asexual for the rest of your life and have a platonic relationship with someone who is also asexual?

    No, I’ve never really had a hobby or anything that I really enjoy. I tried lots of different clubs and activities but I never enjoyed any of them enough to continue and always gave up quite quickly. I like reading and watching TV because I can escape in to a better world, but that’s about it. I don’t think I could have inherited it, neither my parents nor any of my extended family have mental health problems, at least not that I know of.

    No, I haven’t been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I didn’t work out that I suffered from depression until I was about 16 and I didn’t see a doctor for it until I was 18. My depression has had highs and lows, kind of like bipolar, only my highs are not high, there just less low. If that makes sense. Most of the time it’s in the background, I still have the symptoms but there relatively week, I am definitely not happy but I can function and pretend that I am although I feel numb 95% of the time. But then my lows get really low and every morning I wake up and wish that I hadn’t and then slowly it eases off and I am eventually back to being numb again. It has been like this for as long as I can remember and it has always followed the same pattern, it always eased up even without any medication, until I was 18 when it lasted a lot longer than it had before.

    The Dr I saw was quick to hand out medication but for some reason didn’t want to give me an actual diagnosis, I don’t know why. I did eventually see a doctor, about 2 months after I started medication, who diagnosed me as having a major depressive episode, I’ve never received any other diagnosis. I tried to explain about how long this had lasted and the ups and downs and he listened and said that should all be sorted out with the medication and never mentioned it again. When I asked later on I was just told the same thing again, no one was interested in helping any more than they could by filling out a prescription pad.

    I was first put on to citalopram, finished that course of meds, got taken off and did not feel any different than I had before so of course I wasn’t surprised when I had another major depressive episode. This time I was put on to fluoxetine. But again it made no difference. I’m not on medication at all now, I finished the course of fluoxetine like 3 years ago and haven’t been back to the Dr since so I’m not on any medication. I don’t see the point since nothing changes.

    I’m not sure what I am. I love spending time with friends and I get lonely quite easily but at the same time being around others uses a lot of energy and I need to be alone to recharge if that makes sense. I don’t have good friendships. I have friends but not many, only 4 or 5 and I wouldn’t say were hugely close, I’ve known them all since school but I still don’t talk to them about how I feel. I’m not a very good friend, I’m not great at relating to people and I just feel awkward when talking about feelings or when someone gets emotional around me. I wouldn’t say I’m close with any one. There’s not a single person I really feel comfortable talking about my feelings with.

    I want to be normal. I want to be happy and fall in love and everything that goes with that. I don’t want a platonic relationship. I thought until recently that I was fine with just having friends but its not enough. Friends will always have someone more important, a partner, a parent, a child even another friend. I want a romantic partner, I want love, and sex is a part of that so yes I want to have a normal sex drive and to actually be attracted to someone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve_ wrote: »
    It's clear that your bf doesn't understand you, despite having known you for years. Why haven't you talked to him about how you feel? As well as not really being physically intimate with each other, you're clearly not emotionally intimate with each other.

    It sounds like you've settled for each other - that you've chosen each other because you're familiar with each other rather than because you're suited to each other.

    I think you're right in that I have settled for him. I have more or less given up on ever finding some one that I actually fancy or am attracted to. I think despite the issues I've mentioned he is a good person and I thought at the start that we would work, if not well together than at least we we work alright as a couple. I dont know if he has settled for me although I dont think so. He is a lot more open with feelings etc than I am and I know he finds me attractive because he has told me.

    I dont tell people how I feel. I have no idea why I have trouble talking about it but it is just something that I have never been comfortable with even when I was young. Its not that I havent talked to him about my feelings. Its that I dont talk about my feelings period.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Plugitin,

    I think you’re right. I don’t think he would ever purposefully hurt me, but despite being a few years older than me he can be pretty immature. This is his first long term relationship. I found out recently that he has never been in a relationship for longer than 6 months before, Maybe your right maybe he doesn'’t understand the depth of emotion. Like I said to Steve, I find it very difficult to talk about my feeling anyway, I always have done. I have no idea why but talking about my feelings has always felt very unnatural to me. Like it's something that my brain just doesn't know how to do.

    I think it’s this immaturity, along with my natural guardedness, that is stopping me from trying to talk to him, part of me feels like he isn’t mature enough to handle a conversation like that without making some kind of joke or sarcastic comment. And I just know that if I’m already upsets then hearing him joking will push me over the edge.

    I want to try and make this relationship work. I know it might not make much sense but I feel like I owe it to him and to myself to try. I feel like if I can speak to him about how I'm not ready for sex yet, explain that I will need more time to sort out whatever it is that I need to sort out then maybe we can go back to becoming more emotionally intimate. I just dont know how to explain that, especially when I dont know what my problem is.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As a kid, whenever someone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would tell them I didn't care. I have never been interested in having a career or becoming a popstar or going to the moon or whatever most kids want to do when they grow up. My answer was always the same. I want to fall in love and have an adventure. That is all I have ever wanted even as a child, it has never changed, I don't think it ever will. And I don't think I will ever achieve it. How can you fall in love when your not attracted to any one, When you cant fancy anyone.

    And as for the adventure thing, I tried to make my own adventure. I travelled round Australia and Canada for a while but it wasn't what I had hoped for. I was still the same depressed me that I always was, just in a different place. The adventures I've always wanted only seem to exist in fiction.

    I was really truly holding out hope that this would work, that he would be my one. But it's been this long and I don't really feel more attracted to him than I did at the start. I dont want to give up. I know that love and relationships take work so I am willing to put in work. I want to open up and talk to him about how I feel and make this work, mostly. But part of me still wants to push him away and close myself up and run for the hills.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds from your post that you'd only have sex with him to please him and not yourself, in my opinion and of many others , that isn't the way to go. If he makes fun of you and lowers your self esteem , even if it's a joke, that isn't right. If he ignores your opinion and goes over you so he can have your way, it may be that he's not right for you at this moment.
    With the waiting for sex, I made my long term boyfriend wait for seven months (he was a testosterone fuelled late teen) before sex and it only made us stronger but, this is not the case with everyone , if you don't feel you fancy him at all, you shouldn't have to push yourself to fulfil his needs because it would only make you feel worse .
    If you haven't already, I'd recommend making an appointment with your GP or talking to someone you trust about your situation as it sounds that you are really quite depressed. As with this I recommend maybe talking to a close fiend who you've had for years if you feel you can open up to them and maybe ask them to go to the doctors with you if you're worried.

    I wish you all the best, I'm sure it'll get better
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve_ wrote: »
    You're clearly seriously depressed - that's the centre of your problems. I don't think that you're asexual - it's much more likely that your depression has stopped your sex drive from developing, as well as preventing you from enjoying anything much.

    Depression is the most common mental disorder - about 1 in 10 people suffer from it. Perhaps a different doctor will help you more. You could see a counsellor or psychologist on the NHS, although you'll have to wait.

    Your relationship with your bf isn't going to work out. Yes, relationships take effort, but this one's more like a tough battle that can't work. The fact that you're still not comfortable enough with him to talk about your feelings and problems shows that you're unsuited. Even if he's a good person, that doesn't mean that he can or will be a good bf to you.

    You have difficulty talking about your problems in person - but would you like to talk to someone, one-to-one, face-to-face about your problems? Do you know anyone with whom you can have a private conversation about your problems? Someone who understands you, will listen to you, and won't be judgemental? If so, confide in them.

    You haven't fancied anyone in recent years? How do you feel when you handsome lads?

    I dont feel anything when I see handsome guys. Or girls. Tbh I dont really understand what it is that I'm meant to feel. What do normal people feel when they see someone good looking?

    That's the thing though, I don't feel very depressed. I know very well how clinical depression feels and my last major depressive episode was years ago now and although I said before that my depression never really goes away I think this is the least depressed I've been for a long time. I'm definitely not happy but I don't feel bad either. Mostly I don't feel anything. I got promoted at work recently and I genuinely don't care. Im not happy or exited or nervous, I don't feel anything at all. Maybe thats why I have so much trouble talking about how I feel. I cant talk about feelings if I dont have them.

     What am I supposed to say to a GP? My day to day life is not affected in anyway. I'm still perfectly capable of going to work, looking after myself etc. I just don't feel anything when I do it. I've had CBT before and found it completely useless. There isn't many other services that would be of much help to me, I'm too high functioning. I could ask to be put back on anti depressants but I suspect it will just be a repeat of what has happened before and it won't really help. I am tempted to go and get my hormone levels checked out. I've never really had that done properly.

    I'm pretty sure I've said this before. Or at least I've tried to, I don't think I've been explaining myself that well. It's not that I am uncomfortable talking about my feeling problems etc with HIM specifically... I am uncomfortable talking about these things in general... with anyone. Even this right now... posting how I feel on here makes me uncomfortable. I can't keep a journal because even though I am the only one that will ever see it, simply writing down how I feel makes me uncomfortable. I have never been comfortable sharing my feelings with anyone. Not my boyfriend. Not my best friend. Not my mum or dad. No one. If I am unsuited to being with him because I am not comfortable talking with him about feelings etc. Then I am not suitable to anyone. It also doesn't help that I have only got about 5 friends and all of them are also good friends with him. Even if I was comfortable sharing how I felt with them, which I'm not, I doubt they'd take my side.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds from your post that you'd only have sex with him to please him and not yourself, in my opinion and of many others , that isn't the way to go. If he makes fun of you and lowers your self esteem , even if it's a joke, that isn't right. If he ignores your opinion and goes over you so he can have your way, it may be that he's not right for you at this moment.
    With  the waiting for sex, I made my long term boyfriend wait for seven months (he was a testosterone fuelled late teen) before sex and it only made us stronger but, this is not the case with everyone , if you don't feel you fancy him at all, you shouldn't have to push yourself to fulfil his needs because it would only make you feel worse . 
    If you haven't already, I'd recommend making an appointment with your GP or talking to someone you trust about your situation as it sounds that you are really quite depressed. As with this I recommend maybe talking to a close fiend who you've had for years if you feel you can open up to them and maybe ask them to go to the doctors with you if you're worried.

    I wish you all the best, I'm sure it'll get better

    Hi Bwright. Thanks for replying :) You're right, when you put it that way, if I was giving advice to someone else then I'd probably tell them the exact same thing. The funny thing is looking back I just realised that in the 3/4 ish times we've fooled around his "needs" have only been met once, if you get what I'm saying, he seemed to be more concerned about meeting mine the other times.


    I don't think he ignores my opinion on purpose. I just think it doesn't register in his brain that he does something I don't agree with. And when he does realise that I'm getting pissed off he completely changes his tune and starts agreeing with me just so I don't get annoyed. I don't want him to agree with me just for the sake of it. I want to try and fix the issue at hand but I don't know how when he changes his tune like that. And I don't know how to make him realise what he's doing.


    You said it made you stronger, in what way? I'm guessing because you weren't having sex you spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other. Is that what you mean? I still feel like I don't really know him that well. I mean we talk all the time but never about deep stuff.  Which is probably my fault because like I said in the post above I'm not comfortable talking about my feelings.


    I want to try. I'd like to open up and share things with him but I don't know how. I haven't been comfort talking about how I feel since I was a kid. And I don't know what to talk about because most of the time I genuinely don't feel anything so there's nothing to talk about.


    Similarly I have been thinking of going back to the GP for a while now but I wouldn't know what to say because it's not as if I feel bad. I just feel numb.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve_ wrote: »
    Why did you keep your bf waiting for 7 months? Did you enjoy depriving him of sex? Didn't you realise that he was likely having sex with other girls during that time? Did you want him to have sex with other girls instead of with you? If you weren't ready for sex before then, why did you have a boyfriend? Having regular, frequent sex is the centre of a bf-gf relationship - it's the best and most important thing.

    So... maybe you dont realise but your being rather rude here Steve. Bwright was nice enough to respond to my post and try to help me. There's no need for an interrogation about their sex life / relationship which is neither the point they were trying to make nor any of your busines. I apologise if this is not how you meant for it to come accross but just because you think that sex is the most important part of a relationship doesn't mean everyone else does, clearly you and Bwright have different views on this which is fine but implying that Bwright is wrong for not wanting sex straight away and saying that their partner was cheating is not on. You have no idea what there relationship is really like so please don't push your assumptions on to someone thats kind enough to help me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Steve, thanks for speaking to me for so long.

    I am uncomfortable in speaking with people that I don't know or haven't known for a long time, I find it very difficult in knowing what to say and I'm terrible at starting conversations. I can just about manage small talk but anything past that and my mouth doesn't work. This makes it very hard to make friends which is why I am worried about losing the friends I have if we break up, I don't think I would ever really make more friend, and then I would be completely alone.

    I used to have a lot more friends when I was younger and in school but for one reason or another none of them are in my life anymore and I have never been able to replace them with new friends, so now, whereas most people have friends from different parts of there lives, friends from work, friends from clubs, old school friends etc. I have just these 5 friends. These 5 people are the only people that I spend time with socially. If we broke up and they picked him over me then I would have 0 friends. I wouldn't have a single person to spend time with.

    I don't think I'm overly anxious, no. Most of the time I don't feel anxious. Most of the time I don't feel much of anything. It's really only when I sit and think about things like this that I worry and get upset. Most of the time I'm pretty good about not thinking about things like this, they just go to the back of my mind and stay there until I know I'll be alone and have time to deal with them. Which is why it sometimes takes me a while to respond.

    No... no traumatic experiences, at least none that I can remember. I have a terrible memory and most of my childhood memories are very vague and fuzzy but I don't remember any traumatic experiences happening. As far as I remember the worst thing that happened to me was having to share my toys, hardly traumatic.

    I have known for a long time now that I haven't felt things the way that normal people do, like I said I have suffered from depression since I was little but I've often wondered if it goes further than that. I researched all kinds of mental health problem, I meet some of the symptoms for a number of different personality disorders and I've also looked into Psychopathy but it never quite fits. For example with a couple of personality disorders, simply the fact that I know that my feelings, or lack of, is a problem and that I want to change, instantly rules them out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just don't know what to do. I'm not going to break up with him, at least not anytime soon, we are going to a friends wedding together in April. They are eloping and getting married in Italy so we have already put down a £300 deposit for the flights and hotel etc. together. If I break up with him before that then obviously we cant go together so not only do I lose £300 but I also miss out on my friends wedding, neither of which I'm willing to do. So for practicalities sake, if nothing else I have to stay with him, at least, until then, before I will even consider breaking up with him.

    And I'm sure I would be happy to have sex with him eventually if I could just work out how to explain to him how I'm feeling first. I'm mostly worried that when we get to our hotel in London all he'll want to do is have sex and I'm just not ready yet but I don't know how to explain it to him.

    I just don't know how to talk to people. I don't understand how lots of people can speak so freely and openly about how they feel but I can't even get out a single sentence. And how can I possibly explain how I feel when I don't even understand how that is in the first place.

    The worst thing is that I don't even really feel that strongly about this, like shouldn't I be frustrated or upset or something, there is something wrong with me but I don't know what it is or how to explain it, surely that should warrant feeling frustrated. But I don't. I feel a bit confused, maybe I think, but mostly I just feel fuzzy and numb.

    I've been thinking more and more about going to the Dr. But if I do, how do I know that they will even understand what's going on? How do I know that they won't just assume I'm being a hypochondriac or something or just write me another prescription and send me on my way just to get me out the door?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, I know it's not just people I don't know that I have trouble conversing with, that's kind of the whole point, but like I said, I have trouble talking about my feelings and emotions with everyone, not just people that I don't know and not just my boyfriend... Everyone. And it depends what you mean by a reasonable conversation, More or less every topic which doesn't involve discussing my emotions, I'm ok in talking about, I could talk for hours about certain things, but...

    I feel like it's against the rules to talk about my feelings. I don't know where it came from or who's rules they are meant to be but that what it feels like. The thought of someone questioning me on my feelings makes me cringe. Which makes it very difficult in going to the Dr's because their job is to question how I feel. It took me a long time before I was able to admit to my first Dr the seriousness of my depression, up until then I still felt like I had to pretend that it wasn't that bad.

    I really hope I don't have a personality disorder, I've heard all about how difficult they are to treat and I don't want that to be me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there,

    I just wanted to drop in and reitterate everything plugitin said - a conversation with your boyfriend is really you're next step, and although it will be .difficult for you, it could be worth it and maybe even relieve the both of you.

    it's okay not to want to have sex with your boyfriend. I would disagree with Steve, it isn't the most important or best thing in any relationship, it's just one part of a bigger thing and I think right now, communication is all that's important.

    Have you thought about speaking to a professional about this? Perhaps a nurse at a clinic? I know you've mentioned you don't like having conversations with anyone but I think it will be easier in the sense that the nurse will be trained and experienced when talking about stuff like this and could put your mind at ease.

    it's important to look after yourself right now. Offer yourself some self care and please try not to feel guilty about not wanting to have sex, it isn't everything.

    Take care and keep us posted *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve_ wrote: »
    For all of my many male acquaintances, sex is by far the most important thing. They all hate going on sexless dates and having sexless relationships.

    well all of your friends sound like arseholes then. Sex isn't major for everyone and to try and pressure people into thinking they have to have sex isn't fair. If they don't want to then they don't want to and that's more than okay. I'm not going to have a conversation like this with you again because you never even try to change your mind set.

    hope you're doing okay numpty
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're putting words into my mouth Steve.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve_ wrote: »
    How do you feel when other people talk about their feelings?


    Awkward. It depends on how what kind of feelings they're talking about like if someone is pissed off and they are moaning or ranting then I can mostly deal with that but if someone is upset then I'm really uncomfortable. I never know what I'm supposed to do or say. I'm not good at the whole empathy thing. Someone started crying in the staff room at my work a couple weeks ago and I felt so awkward that I had to just leave the room. Thankfully there were other people there so they did the whole comforting thing. I can't deal with crying people, I just get annoyed and want them to shut up. Which I know is mean and I feel bad about, cus I want to be nice and help people and stuff but, maybe it's because I generally don't have any feelings that are that strong, but I just cant relate and I never know what I should say.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there,

    I just wanted to drop in and reitterate everything plugitin said - a conversation with your boyfriend is really you're next step, and although it will be .difficult for you, it could be worth it and maybe even relieve the both of you.

    it's okay not to want to have sex with your boyfriend. I would disagree with Steve, it isn't the most important or best thing in any relationship, it's just one part of a bigger thing and I think right now, communication is all that's important.

    Have you thought about speaking to a professional about this? Perhaps a nurse at a clinic? I know you've mentioned you don't like having conversations with anyone but I think it will be easier in the sense that the nurse will be trained and experienced when talking about stuff like this and could put your mind at ease.

    it's important to look after yourself right now. Offer yourself some self care and please try not to feel guilty about not wanting to have sex, it isn't everything.

    Take care and keep us posted *hug*


    Thanks Butterfly. I really appreciate everyones input.

    I know I need to have a proper conversation with him, I really do, and I realise that I've been stalling. I think I've worked out that there's a couple of reason I keep putting it off. There's me not being comfortable speaking about my feelings with people but I'm also having a hard time working out what exactly it is that I'm feeling in the first place. I think it's maybe because I always feel kind of numb that I dont really feel anything very strongly. Like, you know when you're swimming and you're underwater, you can tell that someone is speaking but it's all quiet and fuzzy and you cant make out what they're saying, well I think my feelings are kind of like that, most of the time I can tell that I'm feeling something but it's fuzzy and dull and I can't really tell what it is. So I wan't to talk to try and talk to him about how I feel but I don't really know how that is. Am I making any sense?

    Maybe you're right, I suppose talking to someone with training in stuff like that would be different to trying to talk to a friend etc. Do you know if you have to go through your GP or are there places that you can just kind of turn up? I don't have much experience with health professionals so I'm not sure where to start.

    Thanks for the reminder, I always forget to look after myself when stuff comes up and I start going downhill, and I've been getting more worried recently with our holiday coming ever closer, so I appreciate it :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve_ wrote: »

    It's worse than just her not wanting sex whilst her bf does - they're incompatible with each other, don't understand each other and don't have good conversations. In addition, it's not just that she's not sexually attracted to him - she's not sexually attracted to anyone. Whether the lack of sex drive is caused by her depression and/or another mental disorder which could be effectively treated - or if it's lifelong asexuality.

    For all of my many male acquaintances, sex is by far the most important thing. They all hate going on sexless dates and having sexless relationships.


    But that's not true all the time. We are different people, theres no denying that, and some parts of us don't work well together but in other parts we are very compatible and we can have great conversations. Yesterday we spent an hour talking about book harry potter vs film harry potter, which makes us sound like complete dorks, but it was a great conversation. We talk about a lot of stuff just nothing as deep as you would expect from a couple that have been together for this long.

    You're right about me not being attracted to anyone. And I don't know whether it's depression or if it is asexuality but either way I would still want to be in a relationship. There's plenty of stories about asexuals having successful relationships with both asexuals and sexuals, that's not so much the issue. The issue is not being able to communicate how I feel.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve_ wrote: »

    How are you at work? What job(s) do you do or have you done? How do you get on with your boss and colleagues (and customers, if you have to communicate with the public)? Do you socialise with any of your work colleagues outside of work?


    I get on fine at work. I've done quite a few jobs, mostly public facing, retail, bar service etc. I'm a different person at work, or I pretend to be at least. Everyone says that I am very nice and smiley and friendly when really in my head I'm counting down the minutes till I can go home. I have the best fake happy smile and persona around. I have been mastering it since I was a tween and I am damn good, it's all in the eyes. In fact I'm so good that if I didn't put on 'work me' when I went to work people would think I was sick. As it is I smile at everybody, I laugh at everyones jokes, I act like I enjoy being there, whereas if I were to only smile or laugh when I actually felt like it, it would almost never happen.

    I go to things like leaving do's and the christmas night out etc. but apart from that no, I don't socialise with people from work. I would like too. Everyone is very nice and they are good people, I would like to socialise with them more I just don't know how to go about making that happen. I've never been good at making friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve_ wrote: »

    Wanting and enjoying sex doesn't make someone an arsehole. I didn't say that sex is major for everyone, but it is major for most people. I didn't say that everyone has to have sex. However, it's true that most people want to and enjoy doing so. If you don't acknowledge the fact that millions of people enjoy sex and find it important to their lives, then it's you who's out of touch with reality. I have no problem with the fact that sex isn't important to you, so there's no reason for you to have a problem with sex being important to me and many people whom I know.

    If you want me to change my mindset so that I cease to find sex important to me, then you're right in thinking that will never happen.

    Of course sex is important; to most people. I'm sure we're all well aware that, for the majority of the population, sex is a part of a healthy relationship, no one is denying that, but it is just a part of a relationship and that's not what you said. You said...
    "For all of my many male acquaintances, sex is by far the most important thing. They all hate going on sexless dates and having sexless relationships".

    There is a big difference between sex being an important part of a relationship and it being the most important part of a relationship. When you speak about it like that it sounds as though sex is the only part of being in a relationship that they care about. It sounds like they care about sex more than they do love or friendship or compatibility or, I dunno, just enjoying each others company. Like they don't give a shit about the the person their dating as long as they get sex. That is why they sound like arseholes.
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