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My shit day

Jacob101Jacob101 Posts: 687 Incredible Poster
Morning - Woke up today at 5 am after not being able to sleep most of the night. I had a nightmare so i was too scared to go back to sleep, i was too scared to close my eyes in fear that i would witness what just happened all over again, was feeling incredibly restless and it felt like however hard i tried, i just couldn't stop the thoughts racing round my mind, the critical voice in my head talking. I kept drifting in and out of sleep but i was too worried to sleep properly so i was in and out of sleep till around 9 am then i woke up and went on my phone to listen to the radio for ages and then i finally dragged myself out of bed at around lunchtime and the only thing that got me out of bed was my dad screaming at me, JESSICA GET OUT OF BED, STOP BEING SO LAZY! - And i wasn't in the mood to say anything back as i felt so depressed and was having suicidal thoughts so i felt shit enough anyway.- i said to myself, another day, another battle and i went downstairs as soon as my dad went back to work (my dad has a lunch break from 12-1pm), drank some water and ate an apple because i know i should eat something, i basically didn't eat breakfast and lunch today as i just had no energy and to be completely honest all i wanted to do is stay in bed and hide away.

Afternoon - Sat on the sofa trying to find a worksheet which i feel would help me to record my feelings, i wanted something which would be helpful for my counsellor as well. I really dont know how much longer i can go having these thoughts, how much longer i can keep getting up to face the day, go to sleep and it happen all over again. It is just a constant uphill struggle - i listened to music and caught up with TV all afternoon and stayed in my pajamas all day so yeah, no self care today.

''You were in the wilderness
Looking for your own purpose
Then you became a butterfly, a butterfly
I knew you always would''

- James Arthur (YOU)

Comments

  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hey Jess, sorry sounds like your really struggling right now *hug*

    Just wanted to point out you have done some self-care although you may not believe it: taking time for yourself to watch TV and things is self-care. Sounds like other aspects of self - care are challenging to, but please don't be ashamed as when we struggle simple things can be difficult, and I'm sure lots of people have PJ days :) (and that's okay)! Also you tried to look for that worksheet and that is something positive, even if you didn't do it or only did some, you have positive intentions to help yourself and they say getting that mindset is the first step to recovery.

    Sounds like although your dad may have come across as being negative, perhaps his intentions were he wanted to help you get on with your day. Is he aware of how your feeling currently?

    Also remember papyrus, Samaritans and other helpines are there if you need to talk and/or suicidal thoughts get too much! I am just wondering is your GP aware, and does he know exactly how your feeling. Maybe since things are so difficult, you could even book an urgent GP appointment ?

    And also worth mentioning to your doctor about your eating habits etc. if he/she isn't already aware - and again you had positive intentions and wanted to eat for your own self-care, even if it's just an apple and water- that is still more than nothing which is a positive step (even if small).

    Sending *hug* s , hope venting helped a little!
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