Home Health & Wellbeing
We've started our first discussion for our Christmas campaign which is focusing on religion or cultural beliefs that help you when you're feeling down. Some of the responses will be used anonymously on social media as a video. If you'd like to take part, head over to this thread.

Update - My mental health

To sum everything up I feel awful right now. I don't feel able to explain everything in detail at the moment, as very upset and overwhelmed, but to summarise:

Had GP appointment with advocate today. Brought up how I was feeling about doctor being dismissive to me in past, how I'm feeling now and ways forward.

The appointment was horrible, she said I have all the coping strategies from therapy and that when I say I'm suicidal I'm not seriously as apparently I wouldn't do it. Well let me tell you that these thoughts do get so intense I start to plan my death, I start risk taking and playing with the idea of suicide. When I do my aim is simple to die, the only thing stopping me is fear of what would happen if I survive and in the end I phone papyrus, who always somehow convince me to keep going for a bit longer......then it all comes back. I'm so frustrated by people telling me how I feel, how can the doctor tell me how I feel if she isn't me.

She said she doesn't want to start faffing around with my meds, as she said they help (anxiety maybe, depression no) and how my personality traits are the problem. Despite this, she (maybe the only positive thing) is now referring me to a psychiatrist - but even then who knows if that will help, I'm probably doomed either way. And she said your also awaiting your aspergers assessment so that's another way forward and in the mean time you can see if psychiatrist can help at all.

Right now I'm feeling crap :(

Comments

  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Update : I want to die really bad. Right now I'm stuck in bed parents are in so can't escape tonight. I know I shouldn't but I really want to. Everything is too much :crying:
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I really don't know how much longer I can take this......
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi @apandav really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. *hug*

    Sounds like it's a very difficult time for you right now.

    You're welcome to keep posting here and to keep letting us know what's going on for you.:yes:

    Remember there's always Papyrus if you feel you need crisis support, you were saying that you have been in touch with Papyrus over the phone before and they help you to keep going. There's also an organisation called I'm Alive which has online crisis support open 24/7 which might be useful too.

    When is your appointment with the psychiatrist going to be?:chin:

    We're all here for you here *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Steph wrote: »
    Hi @apandav really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. *hug*

    Sounds like it's a very difficult time for you right now.

    You're welcome to keep posting here and to keep letting us know what's going on for you.:yes:

    Remember there's always Papyrus if you feel you need crisis support, you were saying that you have been in touch with Papyrus over the phone before and they help you to keep going. There's also an organisation called [URL="http://"[url"]https://www.imalive.org/"]I'm[/URL] Alive[/URL] which has online crisis support open 24/7 which might be useful too.

    When is your appointment with the psychiatrist going to be?:chin:

    We're all here for you here *hug*

    Thanks Steph, never knew about I'm alive so will keep it in mind.

    No idea when my psychiatrist appointment will be, I need to wait for a letter and don't know how long the waiting list would be. The doctor made it out that I would get it in the meantime of waiting for autism team referral (which is due end of Nov latest) so I assume it will definitely be before then, but have no idea. I thought I had more medication left over so didn't get a new prescription when I went, hence I need to go back and see her in two weeks time. I guess I could ask her how long roughly she thinks it will be when I go.

    But feeling really scared about seeing my GP now, as I said things like I don't feel I'm being listened to. And she said I can assure you, that you have. She said basically I don't really want to die, I just have suicidal thoughts as like a default coping mechanism or something like that. She doesn't know how many times I wanted to die and been in crisis and seriously wanted to be gone. The only thing that stopped me was help from my papyrus and fear of surviving. I just feel like is the only way for them to take you more seriously, to actually go through with it :(

    Actually right now I'm starting to have thoughts of wanting to die again!

    Also I made a realisation even before all the depression my life has been a waste, I've spent too long in fantasy world :(

    Actually, help please ........ I need some advice as I'm now too scared to see the GP :/
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Plus I even went with an advocate and the advocate thinks what she said is fair enough :( so obviously it's just me and I feel so alone and want to cry
  • MikeMike 🎧 LandaanPosts: 3,756 Community Manager
    apandav wrote: »
    I made a realisation even before all the depression my life has been a waste, I've spent too long in fantasy world :(

    What makes you say this, apandav?

    I can really tell that you're feeling misunderstood at the moment, and people telling you something about you that doesn't ring true to you is one of the most frustrating things (from a health care professional, no less). These feelings you're having are clearly real and genuine and scary to you - and you can hear that in just the way you're saying it here - but it does look like there's a bit of a gap of understanding between yourself and them.

    I wonder if it might be worth thinking about (maybe even walking yourself through?) their perspective and how they're reaching the conclusion that they are. Given that they are professionals, I would be very doubtful of this being due to them not listening to you and more due to them just reading things incorrectly (or even just being down to the fact that they're not you, and can't truly empathise). Then, maybe you might be able to figure out why that gap is there and try and communicate things in a way that gives them a fuller understanding?

    That said, though, do you think there may be any validity in what they're saying at all? Not to dismiss anything you've said or what you're feeling - I'm with you - but it's worth bearing in mind that they will know their stuff to some degree, and their professional opinions will likely be worth something (even if they're not quite on the money). May be worth considering and exploring with an objective mind set, even if it's just a little? Apologies if you've already been down this road; I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but thought I'd mention it anyway. :)

    I hope you're doing okay. *hug*

    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Want to join the community champions? Drop @TheMix a message!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Well I say that (quote above) as I realised yesterday before I entered "fantasy land". There's this thing I've done as a kid, I spend periods of time just imaging I'm someone else, or pretending there is something different about me, imagining myself in different careers, talking to different people, being different people, changing conversations I may have had before, and dreaming of things I don't even aim for in life. I'm a visual thinker, so I see it in pictures and at times I smile but it's not reality. Normally I do it when listening to music, often I'm not really aware of my surroundings but I don't bump into stuff so subconsciously I am- like a trance. I've been doing this since like primary school, so I wasted most of my life imaging these things instead of being in reality.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Mike I know the doctor is also getting this information from the letter the psychologist sent her after therapy ended, also it's stuff she's said before. I think from their perspective they are comparing me to most other patients they have seen- as I have never committed suicide (fully although been close) , have had suicidal thoughts for a year the doctor actually said the words "you don't really want to die, it's just a feature of your illness as you've had this since day one" - but I often do get to the point I'm ready to die and the only thing that stops me often is the possible consequences of surviving, and papyrus convince me when I phone. So they are telling me how I feel/think, and you don't need to be a professional to know that if the patient is there telling you this stuff. - so how do they know there stuff- even if they know there stuff , they don't know exactly how I think or feel- they are not me!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    What the heck was I thinking when I wrote my quote thing on here, there is no light at the end of the mountain for me.


    Ahh I really really really want to die, unfortunately I am safe today as wouldn't dare try anything with mum home :( feeling stuck,
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Amanda, sounds like things have been really really tough for you recently, how are you feeling today? what's making you say that you really want to die? You're doing really well to speak here about what's going on and how you're feeling. Sorry to hear that you're feeling stuck, we're all here for you to listen and support you *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hi Steph, feeling a bit better today in terms of suicidal thoughts etc. I've kept myself busy which helps me a lot usually. Though I know it won't be the end of suicidal thoughts (it's a regular ongoing thing for me) , they can get really intense (which has been in these posts) where I'm sure I want to die. To be honest I'm at peace with the fact I want to die, even when they go I don't feel scared of them anymore.

    The reasons I want to die are- to escape horrible emotions and low moods etc (depression), I don't feel good enough to do anything (low self esteem) and can see no hope (depression, anxiety links in here too). And also sometimes I have thoughts for no reason I just feel I want to die. Also sometimes to prevent bad things happening. So a range of reasons, sometimes it's more one than the other, or sometimes a complete mix. Also I'm prone to them when feeling very overwhelmed.

    I'm feeling really scared though about seeing a psychiatrist, I know I've seen psychologists before but I just feel a bit ashamed (there's a lot of stigma with it) to see a psychiatrist. I know it's just another doctor, like back when I saw someone for orthopaedics etc. But this time it's a mental health doctor (which feels different). Also I'm worried about parents discovering my referral letter, I'm hoping to get to it before any questions are asked (I usually always get to mail first 4/7 days of the week and just means those days parents are in I need to try to get to mail first or there are some days I know I won't make it and just have to hope the best. Anyways I have a list of possible excuses or things to say the letter is all prepared just in case. I'm not sure if they would open it or not, they haven't opened my mail in a while - with expection of 1 a few weeks ago (which worries me). Thing is it said vanquis bank on the back (who I don't use, they keep contacting me as silly me got conned into signing something in town by them) and I think maybe this is why they opened it (they know I accidently signed up to a trial thing in town). And am hoping that that is an exception, but makes me wonder if they'd open my other mail. :/ (they never open my bank statements but they know what the envelope looks like as we all use the same bank, but they get nosy when I get any like different looking letters ).- just hoping that they don't open the psychiatrists letter :O
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Amanda,

    Good to hear that you were feeling a bit better yesterday and that keeping yourself busy helps you usually :yes:. What kind of things have been helping you recently?

    If you ever feel the suicidal thoughts are getting really intense then there's always places like Papyrus you can go to for crisis support *hug*

    You were saying you're concerned about seeing a psychiatrist, you were saying that you know they're just another doctor, what's making you feel scared about it?

    Sounds like you've thought about as you were saying a list of possible excuses to say if your parents see the letter just in case.

    You're welcome to keep talking here if it helps you :yes:
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hi Steph,

    It usually helps me to have something planned or an aim for the day. In particular going to meet up groups has been really helpful, also started doing jigsaws which has been a really good distraction for me. Then I started trying fitness classes (first one yesterday) but plan to go to more- and knowing I have like somewhere to go/something to do even for an hour can help. Also volunteering in a charity shop once a week. Overall its a busy week for me- going to another fitness class tonight, lunch for a friends birthday tomorrow and volunteering on thursday!

    Yes, I will do and I do use papyrus when I need to. If it wasn't for them think I would have done something stupid by now.

    I just feel like really nervous etc. as they are specialists in mental health and doctors so like whatever they say will be the most official overall (e.g. more specialised than GP), and scared of the unknown. Worried what they will say or if they will say it's just me and it's all in my head and just need to get over it. I fear being dismissed. But on the other hand as they are more specialised in mental health than GPs hoping they will understand what I'm saying better, and can advise me the best way. Also just makes me feel nervous as honestly so much stigma with seeing a psychiatrist. (Also if my appointment is on a really bad day (like I have posted before) and I say something, knowing they have the power to section me is scary (doubt that would happen but that idea that they can scares me)).

    I have genuinely got a list, consisting of different aspects:

    1) If they don't suspect it's an NHS letter, don't open it and ask I could say-

    It's confirmation of my SAAS application (they pay for my uni fees as free education here)

    The uni confirming another year of study

    2) If they know its an NHS letter but don't open it-

    Say it's to confirm my autism team referral (I actually got one of those a few months ago but never told them, and they know about that referral).

    3) If they were to open it:

    Maybe act surpised and later say it was a mistake- but making it out was for psychologist instead (they'd probably get confused by the difference).

    But then maybe If I got caught I'd end up giving in and everything would be screwed!!!
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hey Amanda,

    Sounds like you've got a busy week with lots of distractions and things to do, hope the lunch for your friends birthdays goes well today too :thumb:

    That sounds understandable to feel nervous about it, it can be natural to be scared of the unknown. It's really positive that you're writing about your fears here. Sounds like you've thought about the pros and cons about seeing them too :yes:

    Not sure if you've seen this before but we have some info on expectations from health services here which could be useful to look at :)

    It's really good to see you talking things through here!

  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hey Steph,

    I enjoyed my lunch with friends today!

    Thanks for the link, I will check it out!

    I don't know if I said before, but I decided to try a private therapist (last shot) - I managed to get a subsidiary as I'm a student etc, so it's really cheap for a professional (£10). Anyways I wanted to share I had an appifanny today- I've had a lot of therapy overall, but today she mentioned something nobody has covered with me before, and I just felt it explained why I found therapy so difficult. So I've discovered a big route cause of my anxiety and depression is related to my childhood experiences (bullying etc.).

    Basically when we are children , we form core beliefs which we continue to have in adulthood. Thoughts arising from core beliefs are a lot deeper and more difficult to happen. And she explained why it's likely I havent found therapy much help in getting rid of these thoughts - as they are derived from childhood. The good news is there is a different approach to tackle them , than less deep thoughts (which usually work with the standard CBT usually covered). This is positive as it makes me feel like it wasn't my fault I couldn't take on board the other therapists opinions and strategies and why I keep going round in circles, also as there is a new approach. I thought I'd tried it all in CBT but turns out I haven't. I only just started seeing this therapist lady and I feel this is the moment I've longed for in therapy but never had!

    I probably haven't explained that well, but basically everything makes sense now and I know there is something else to try which is targeted specifically at core beliefs derived from childhood.

    I do have depression and anxiety, but I've came to the realisation that I think they are caused by a very deep route problem- my theory is my core beliefs in childhood (negative) have caused low self esteem, anxiety issues and depression. It's like all my issues seem seperate but now that I think about it all my issues are linked. It's like a complicated mix up but ultimately I think (although I can't be 100% sure) my issues have a lot to do with my childhood, and yes they have developed further and I think one issue has lead to the other. So if I am right, perhaps if I tackle the route cause , I will find it easier to tackle the surface issues more if that makes sense. Also I do still think I have Asperger's syndrome (although not a menatl health issue) - this comes into this as- it would explain why I struggled to make friends, hence was an easy target for bullying which has probably developed my core beliefs and also explain some of my other surface anxiety issues.

    You know I won't say I'm hopeful now as that's one extreme, but I'm feeling a tiny bit more hope after today!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    But I think I'll still take this psychiatrist apointment when it comes through, I don't want to risk thinking everything's going to work out and not bother going, then wishing I went later. Plus I guess it won't do any harm to go.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    This psychiatrists appointment could be months for all I know, but I have to keep on the lookout every Friday(mums day off) and weekend to hopefully get to the mail box first - incase it comes, this could happen for months and months.

    Like right now I know our mail normally comes between 1-2 and I'm getting really nervous and anxious now as mums downstairs (closest to the door) and I hope after lunch she goes up to her room for a bit so I can sit in the lounge and hopefully get to the mail first :( when it comes! And as I said this may go on for a while :( how do I keep going on, worrying about getting to mail first of parents days off? Worst thing is next Friday I definitely won't be able to get to mail first as need to go out, and hence I will be spending the day worrying ...... Please help, I need advice I can't keep worrying like this?
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Amanda,:wave::wave:

    Glad to hear you had a nice lunch the other day and no worries about the link hope it comes in useful :)

    Seems really positive that you're finding this therapist you're seeing at the moment really helpful, that's really good to hear. :yes:

    Sounds like a really tricky position to be and as you say especially as it could be some time until the letter arrives. Not sure I've you seen either of these pages before but they have some tips about problematic parents and living with parents which might be helpful to have a read of.:chin:

  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Feeling low- I should be looking forward to tomorrow, I do have stuff on but I'm not and just want to lie in bed instead- really don't have the energy for this :(

    Then the anxiety of letters too......... I actually had a generally better week just there, but I can feel my mood starting to drop again......
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks for links steph!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I'm a tired, low, cranky, irritable ugh
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    Hey how are you feeling? Sounds like briefly reading through that we are in similar situations? No-one thinks you'll end your life? Like me. No matter how much I cut or how much I overdose or other things I cannot mention. One day pretty soon they'll be able to read my letter and unfortunately very sadly this might sound very wrong the more suicides there are the more they surely have to sort this out.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey apandav,

    Firstly I just want to send you some *hug*s

    Really sorry to hear how much your struggling. It sounds very tiring for you.

    How are you feeling today?

    :heart:

    Keep posting, we are here for you
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks both for your replies.

    Lost_sense had better days and worse days. Can start to feel my mood dropping again recently :/ sending *hug* s to you, things sound tough. My thoughts have calmed down for now, but they always come back :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks Banana_Monkeh as I said I could be better. In fact right now I'm feeling really low :( and don't even know why!

    The only good news is, I managed to request a phone call for psychiatrist apointment instead of letter. The worrying was really bad so at least I don't need to worry about that now. But yeah feeling more low, I want to cry now
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    Aww I hope things get better soon xx
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Lost_sense wrote: »
    Aww I hope things get better soon xx

    Thanks, I hope so! I hope things get better for you too :heart:
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