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How does he feel and what does he want?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am currently 18 and am seeing my mother's (who is 51) boyfriend who is 48 years old. I have no idea how this even started he just told me one day he "loved me to death" and it escalated from there into something sexual within two months later. Previously he left after I told him I couldn't cope being his mistress as we all lived in the same house so I had to put up with them having sex and being loving toward each other etc. But he continued to see her behind my back. He then returned 5 months later and acted as if me and him never did anything but then we ended up back together. Fast forward, currently he is very close to her and gets on well with her today I caught them play fighting and her kissing him in the kitchen and I feel as though he is deeply in love with her, yet he keeps telling me he loves me and that "it will be alright" and "relax" and "be patient". I have suggesting finishing this affair yet he does not seem to want to yet he doesn't act like he wants me. What do I do? How does he feel? What is the likely outcome for the future? I plan on going to university next year so I'll be leaving home because I don't want this to carry on for too much longer, I want to see what he truly wants. I can't understand why he would choose my mother over me. He also hasn't had sex with her for over a year (he told me when we were on our own and then she told me at a later date when we were out shopping). He now also acts "distant" towards her ever since the day he left when he was gone for five months. But today he seemed to be all over her in a way, and in a really good mood, he also acted guilty around me. I feel terrible for doing this to my mum but before him I never had any experience of a boyfriend or a relationship before and I couldn't help but fall in love because he made me feel really special telling me he loved me and calling me beautiful and sexy etc. He also gives her really passionate kisses at night when he is saying goodbye (he has his own flat but stays over on Saturday nights) but sometimes (quite rare though) he will hesitate to do this or make little effort.

Comments

  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Beccasaraxo, :wave:

    Welcome to the boards. Thanks for your post. From what you've said it sounds like a confusing time at the moment is that right? You've done a really positive thing by writing on here to reach out for some help. You were saying that you don't know what to do and what the likely outcome will be for the future. This sounds like a hard situation to be in, you're doing really really by talking about it. You mentioned that you want to see what he truly wants. Do you have any thoughts about what he might want or have you been able to speak to him about what he wants at all?

    You were also saying that you're going to uni next year and that you don't want it go on for much longer. What makes you say this? How are you feeling about what's been happening? You were saying that he seems distant towards your mum ever since he left and was gone for 5 months, could you say more about what happened?

    You've done really well to speak about your situation here, sounds like it's a really difficult time. You were saying that you feel terrible for doing this to your mum and that he is your first experience of a boyfriend and you couldn't help but fall in love with him as he made you feel special. It sounds really hard to deal with. Have you been able to speak to anyone about what's been happening? What would like ideally like to happen in your situation?

    Feel free to post about anything you'd like to talk about here, we're here to offer our support *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The thing is I don't even know what or who he wants, he once said "he would have left ages ago if it wasn't for me" but that was ages ago before he left for the five months, but it appears now as though he is attached to her, plus at the time he said that he was still sexually active with her. I love him so much and care about him, and would love to have a future with him when I leave for uni. He has a flat which he is paying off the mortgage for, and it would be ideal if we could have a future when I go to uni this time next year so that my mum doesn't know and can't get hurt by it. I feel really mean but since he has been with her mine and my mums relationship has changed and has been quite turbulent ever since, and I also think that since he cheated on her he shouldn't be with her. I just need an outsiders perspective on what is likely to happen, and what I should do in the meantime. Thanks for your support
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There was a typo error sorry, he didn't tell me he was sexually active with her but I just knew that for sure, after all I am living in the same house as my mum, and he stays over on Saturday nights. I was hoping to go to a uni away from home so that if he does want a future with me then it can happen away so that it doesn't hurt my mum.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    P.S he has not had sex with me for months and seems to be distant from me as well. Although he still tells my mum dirty jokes and she flirts with him still. She often comes close to finishing with him but I know she probably never will, plus he probably won't finish with her either unless she really gets on his nerves one day and he can't take it anymore I don't know. She is quite clingy, childish for her age and secretly likes to be in control, for example she deals with the booking of holidays etc. He also went away with her for a weekend in the countryside for her birthday last year whilst he was gone for the 5 months, and she lied to me and said she was going on a spa weekend with friends but I knew she was lying because she doesn't ever go out to see any friends, her workplace is all men (she is an accountant) and she doesn't really bother with any of them or ever go on works do's. She only has one friend called Cath who she only speaks to on the phone once in a while. It has also made it worse for me as my mum went through my phone (God knows why) about two weeks ago and found a load of text conversations between me and her boyfriend. She spoke to him a number of times privately about it and he just denied it all and said he "was only being nice to me" and "you can be too kind can't you".

    But I'm thinking he's either just used me whilst he lives some kind of sexual fantasy, used me to get through a bad patch in his relationship with her or, he may mean what he said in the beginning then changed his mind after he left and decided he wants her now and he just doesn't know how to handle me now because he's scared of how I'll react or scared of me telling her (which I would never do). There is also a possibility he may want a future with me because he doesn't seem to want to finish with me, yet I can't understand his behaviour.

    He tells her about what he has done in the day and about his personal financial details etc. He sometimes tells me about what he's done and his work, but not very often. She has also phoned her friend Cath when she found the texts from him and told him a few examples of what he said and she said she should finish with him but she hasn't. I hate being like this but I have very strong feelings towards him and love him to the point where I'm extremely jealous of my own mother. She refuses now to answer her phone when Cath phones her. It's going to be Saturday tomorrow and it is a day that I dread every single week. I literally feel so relieved when it's all over for the week on Sunday, and then the same cycle begins again with me getting more nervous and anxious as each day progresses from Sunday to Saturday again.

    I literally can't sleep on Saturday nights so I just wait until everyone's gone to bed and shut their doors then quietly go downstairs with a blanket to the sofa. Even though there's a 99% chance they won't do anything I still somehow feel nervous and don't feel comfortable being upstairs whilst they are in the room next door in the same bed. I often feel sick and up to a point did actually throw up on Saturday nights but don't anymore. Although this whole experience has made me very nervous and I have lost quite a lot of self confidence as well as doubt myself, I have lost a third of my body weight.

    But I still love him no matter what and feel as though the only way I can continue my life without him is to live far away from him (hence the saying "out of sight and out of mind"). He works very hard and is a property maintenance man who works for himself. He currently does not live with us despite my mum used to ask him a few times why he doesn't, but he uses me as an excuse or says he doesn't have much money (he isn't poor by the way). I am glad of that because although I don't mean to be selfish I don't know how I would cope with that. As a person like I said I love him extremely and want him to be happy even if that's not with me. But at the same time something inside me wants him to go away and be gotten rid of if he doesn't want me, but I am also prepared to continue acting normally and pretending to be happy until next August when I go to uni.

    I am an A grade student and have done very well in college so far, but I am also worried that the upset I am bottling up inside will throw me off track and cause me to make mistakes (and I am aware that universities need high grades to get in) but I guess I'll have to be strong and at least try to put it out of mind to do well, even though this is impossible at the best of times. Inside I cannot wait to abandon this situation completely when I go off to uni, even though my mother wants me to go to the university in our town and stay at home, I am determined that I want to go away to uni to escape from this. I also strongly feel as though it will end this unhealthy situation as it will force him to choose between me and her, and even if he may be pretending to love me now then the truth will definitely come out when I go to uni, of whether he truly does want me.

    Finally, my mother has talked to him about taking a break since he is always tired and works hard, suggesting her, him, me and my younger sister all go away for five days on a holiday this August. She has not yet booked it and I've had a sneaky look on the website and there's only 6 people booked it so far, if my mum booked it that would make 10 people, so I emailed them and asked what would be the minimum number of passengers before the holiday can go through and they replied with 17, so inside

    I'm praying it gets cancelled, even though I'm pretending to be excited and happy about it. It would upset me having to share a twin hotel room with my sister whilst my mother and him share a double room, I feel terrible that I feel like this but I can't help it. He is also quite a money orientated person so that's why I want to do law at uni so I can hopefully be a lawyer and have a lot of money to encourage him a bit, even though I know relationships shouldn't be based on money I would be devastated if he just let me go off to uni and stayed with her, but am aware that if that is reality then it's just a part of life that I'll have to accept and move on from.

    I just wish I knew the truth now - it can only be one of two possibilities: he either is just pretending at the moment so I don't get upset and react badly (which I wouldn't do anyway) and there is no future between us and he doesn't want me, OR he does and things will develop more after I leave for uni. Sorry for the long essay, I don't want to sound like a jealous or nasty callous person (which I am definitely not) or a crazy psycho that won't ever let go of things (because I'll have no choice of it turns out he doesn't want me in the end).

    They also often play fight even in front of me where she tickles his sides (which he doesn't like) but he reacts by pinching her upper thighs which I don't like nor feel comfortable with and can't help myself but make comments, which I fear may put him off me but I just don't know how much longer I can put up with all this. But I feel as though it's worth waiting to go to uni next year to find out.

    But to be honest I don't think he wants me. I just want an outsider perspective to try to help me make some sense out of all this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He uses you for sex (A younger, more virile version of your mother, inexperienced, does not realize she is being manipulated) and makes promises he never intends to keep. Your mother's boyfriend is scum and you should wash your hands of him. Your mother deserves to know too, but she will most probably never believe you. Either way she will hold it - utterly rightfully - against you. It will be very good for you to move out once you go to university.

    Why do you have confidence that a man who cheats on his partner with her daughter will be faithful to you? For all you know there are other women and even if he was - on paper - just with you, it would be almost crazy to believe that he is only in love with you. You are used for his sexual gratification and that is all there is to it.

    After reading your long essay there now I have to commend you for your insight. I feel you are very intelligent and perceptive for such a young, inexperienced person. It is very unfortunate that he uses your inexperience against you and you are up to your ears in this muck and can't see what's what anymore, but once you are out of this clusterfuck I will guarantee you that you will move on quite fast and look back and say, "Wtf was I doing?!"

    Just hang in there (in case you cannot move out before, which is completely understandable) and maybe try to spend more time with friends outside that household.
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Becca,

    Thanks for your posts. Hope you don't mind i added paragraph spacing to the long message so it was a bit easier to read than one long piece of text.

    Sounds like its a really hard situation for you to be in. You've done really well to write here about whats been going and how you're feeling about it all too. You were saying that you overall don't think he wants you but you feel as though its worth waiting until next year when you go to uni to find out and that you just wish you knew the truth now. It sounds really tough, you say that you'd be devastated if he left you go off to uni and stayed with her but you said that you know you'd have to accept it as a part of life and move on. It's really positive that you're talking it through on here. When you posted this thread, what kind of help and support were you hoping for?

    Just wanted to let you know that we have an article on The Mix called 'Age Gaps' which you can find here which might be useful to read.

    We also have an article on our Love Smart tool which you can find here which includes talking about things like ' I don't know how they really feel about me' which could be helpful to look at.

    Also we run live group support chats from Sunday to Thursday night each week from 8pm to 9.30pm where you can get support from other people in a group chat. You can find access the chats from this page from 8pm Sunday to Thursday.

    Hope this helps. Feel free to post as much as you'd like to here, hope its helping :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Becca,

    I just wanted to highlight some of the things you said that may show how this relationship is possibly having a negative impact on you ;
    the same cycle begins again with me getting more nervous and anxious as each day progresses from Sunday to Saturday again
    this whole experience has made me very nervous and I have lost quite a lot of self confidence as well as doubt myself, I have lost a third of my body weight.
    feel as though the only way I can continue my life without him is to live far away from him
    at the same time something inside me wants him to go away and be gotten rid of if he doesn't want me, but I am also prepared to continue acting normally and pretending to be happy until next August when I go to uni.
    I am also worried that the upset I am bottling up inside will throw me off track and cause me to make mistakes […] Inside I cannot wait to abandon this situation completely when I go off to uni

    How do you feel reading all these?

    Your posts seems to show that perhaps deep down you are unhappy with him and want it to end - yet feel stuck somehow…Am i corrrect in saying this?
    If so, what do you think makes you feel so stuck that the only escape is university? Is he making you feel as though you don't have a choice but to be with him?

    As steph says, your situation is really really tough and so it's normal to have mixed emotions *hug*
    It just seems that when people are in love, usually there is more positive then negatives - how do you think the balance is for you?

    It could be worth thinking about what YOU want, how YOU feel - rather than trying to figure out what he wants or feels :chin:
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