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Would really appreciate some advice

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Um, hi.

I've always been awkward at introductions, so I guess i'll just skip that haha.

I really don't want to ramble on or waste your time, but I just feel like absolute garbage. My emotions are all over the place. I don't understand myself or what's going on. I've had this problem for awhile now. Sometimes my emotions just go out of control or I snap. Earlier I was so angry all of a sudden I was tearing at my hair, banging my head off my desk, etc. I feel like such an idiot, and afterwards I suddenly became so upset and ending up crying. I don't understand myself, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. It's stupid, I'm sorry.

I recently purchased a book called, "Mind your head" by Juno Dawson, and she suggested this website, so here I am I suppose lol. Since this is the internet and I suppose I can talk freely, I'm going to talk about some rather personal and frustrating things I haven't shared with anyone else. I pray that you don't think I'm insane, weird or abnormal. It's okay if you do though; I already think this too. I just really need to get this all out my system, you know?

Firstly, I used to self harm. It's silly I know and I don't even know why I did it. The reason I stopped is because I found out my religion did not respect this kind of behavior, so forced myself to never do it again, because I really don't want to go against it, which is kind of good I suppose. It was nothing extreme. It didn't leave marks, and still gave me some sort of boost, so I found it the best method for me. Sometimes the urges to do it again get to strong, like earlier, and it's gets so annoying. I really, really hate it. I guess I kind of felt like I deserved it. I don't know why, but I convince myself of doing things that CAN'T even be done by me. Sometimes I convince myself that i'm the reason people die. I don't even know anymore.

The thing that makes me feel like a lunatic most is this: I hear voices. I really really don't want to sound like i'm making this up, but it makes me so upset and i'm just hoping as I type you don't think I'm attention-seeking or just having a laugh because I'm really not. It scares me too. At first they were malicious voices, telling me I was a failure and everybody didn't like me. They told me to push other people away, so I did. It caused a lot of problems. Now I get a mix of encouraging and mean ones, so I don't know whats up with that if i'm honest :P

I'm absolutely terrible at keeping relationships with other people I'm close to. Everythings fine and then I end up convincing myself that they don't care;they never loved me;they all wish I was dead. I feel like i'm the worst friend ever, and I don't even know why I do it.

Anyway, if you did read this far (wow, you have effort, congrats! haha) thank you so so much. It means a lot to me and i'd really appreciate some advice. I feel like an idiot, a lunatic and a weirdo. Writing this helped though.

Comments

  • The MixThe Mix The Mix HQPosts: 2,548 Staff Team
    Hi Sookie,
    It sounds like you made a really good step coming to post here late at night when you had lots of thoughts running through your mind - it can be really good to have a space to off load some of this stuff and as you say yourself 'get it out of your system'.

    Really pleased you came here on Juno's recommendation - big fan of hers here at TheSite :)

    It sounds like you've experienced quite a few different symptoms relating to your mental health - including self-harm, persistent intrusive thoughts (such as the belief that others misfortune relates to you) hearing voices which you feel has led you to push others away, difficulty maintaining relationships (which sounds like it relates to paranoia) and generally quite a lot of negative self talk. Rest assured there's nothing you've mentioned here that we're not familiar with at TheSite and we don't for a minute think you're attention seeking - we prefer to use the phrase 'care seeking' :)

    As you say, you've shared quite a lot of really personal stuff - that takes courage and I hope you've felt some level of relief in being able to do that. I wonder if you could give us a little more context about yourself - are you at school/college at the moment? What kinds of things do you enjoy doing?

    Also, as you have mentioned so many things in this post - I'm not going to try and address them all right now - I'm sure others will drop by with their thoughts on some of the different elements. I just wanted to let you know about a site called the voices collective - there's lots of content on the site that you may find helpful to explore: http://www.voicecollective.co.uk/

    Do stay with us - there's lots of lovely people and opportunities to connect on the different issues you mention :)

    **Helen**
    We're @Mike, @Connor, @Italia and @Ed_ - the staff team here at The Mix. We don't provide support via this account, but if you have any questions about the boards or need a hand finding your way around, feel free to drop us a message. Alternatively, you can head over to the Help Desk.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Helen,

    Thank you for replying so much. It's made me feel so relieved that your so understanding, I was really afraid I wouldn't get such a response at all let alone one so nice - thank you so much!!

    I guess I should tell you a bit about myself, not that there is much to tell really lol. I'm fourteen years old, and I'm currently in S3 at high school. I enjoy playing video games, reading, and listening to music. Occasionally sports, depends on how I'm feeling I guess. I hate being bored, alone and math (Math is the worst!). I'm not really sure what things I should be saying really, I'm not really good at talking about myself because I'm not really a very interesting person, and I don't want to accidentally talk about things that are probably very pointless. If there are any specifics you would like to know please just say because I really don't mind, and I feel like I can trust you.

    Thank you for the website you linked by the way. I've had a look around it for a few minutes, watched a video, and it's feels so reliving to know I'm not a alone. I feel a lot better.

    Anyway, thank you so so much.
    Sookie
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 3,188 Boards Guru
    Hello Sookie. Don't worry about the intros. You are in no way attention seaking, and you're not wasting anyone's time. It's good to write down all these feelings and sometimes it helps to let some of the anger out. Here at The Site we will all listen to and support you no matter wht. I'm very close to you in age and also hate being bored. Mood swings are common at 14.
    I was wondering if you have any support in place for yourself? Have you tried going to one of The Site's live chat sessions? They have a Support Chat 5 days a week including a Women only Chat (WoC) and Men only Chat (MoC) on alternate Tuesdays. There is also a General chat for a place to unwind and just have a chat about anything that comes to mind. Some of the things talked about there are actually quite funny. You could also try contacting an organisation such as ChildLine for 1-2-1 support via online chat, email, or by phone. They also have support boards too. You've taken a huge step posting here and getting support.
    Don't worry about seeming silly, none of the things you've mentioned are silly and they are all real feelings. You're definitely not alone and although I myself can't relate to these feelings, someone out there probably can. We're all here for you and feel free to PM me if you need to talk.
    Elle.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Elle (as with Helen, thank you for replying so much!)

    I don't really have any support in real life or online, so coming here was one is really the only advice on this I'm getting. Those live chats sound really interesting, so I'll definitely check them out when I'm back on my PC, along with Childline. Thank you for suggesting these! I've actually been thinking about emailing the website Helen suggested for my thing with the voices, because that's one of my main things that makes me feel a bit... Weird.

    As for in real life though, I haven't actually planned on asking for help at all. I don't know where to even go for help or advice at home or out of school, and I'm really really bad at socialising with adults for some reason (don't know why). Its not so bad on the internet, but in real life I get kinda scared and shy. I really don't know what to do there. Do I even need so seek help in real life?

    Anyway, thank you for being so understanding Elle , it really means a lot to me that you don't think I'm weird or off my head, despite the fact you say you cannot relate to my feelings. Thank you!

    Sookie
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 3,188 Boards Guru
    Hi again Sookie.
    The chats do work on mobile too if you feel that would be easier. They're on tonight from 8 until 9.30. Just a warning that support chat is often very busy.
    I am also awkward with adults, sometimes they kinda just forget what being a teenager is like. If you'd rather just get help online and it helps you, then that's ok. You don't absolutely have to get help in real life.
    It's ok, I still don't think you're weird for a minute. Thank you for responding to my reply too.
    Elle.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Elle
    Thanks for responding again! :D

    I'm not really sure what the next step should be for me now. Are those live chats available on Thursdays? I'd definitely be able to go on then.

    After sharing everything, is there anything else I should do? I'm not really sure where to go or what to do for each of my issues (expect for the voices one, as Helen provided I website I plan to contact). Feel a bit lost right now.

    I've been OK recently, occasional mood swing but everything seems to be alright. Just not sure when the next major one is going to come again, hopefully not for a while. After talking here, I've felt a lot more supported and understood and I can't thank you enough for that.

    Sookie
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Sookie :wave:

    The live chats are available Thursdays - you can find more info about the chat schedule and how they work on this thread :)

    It's great to hear that you've felt supported and understood since you posted on here; everyone on here is great and you'll soon get to know the community. Feel free to keep posting, and you can always start a new thread on specific issues if you need to :yes:

    Let us know how you get on *hug*
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 3,188 Boards Guru
    Hey Sookie.
    Support chat and General chat are both on every Thursday from 8-9.30 pm.
    It's really good that you feel supported on here. You'll soon get to know people on the boards and in chats people get to know each other as well. As Raich pointed out, if you feel you need advice more on a particular issue, you could make a new post just for that issue. Or you could always keep posting here.
    That's really good that you've been okay lately. Try not to stress about "when" the next major mood swing will happen, think more "if" it happens. And what you will do if it does. Worrying about these things can make them a whole load worse.
    I'm not entirely sure on what else you can do here. Maybe you could try the chats and the other site that Helen suggested and see how that pans out.
    Again thanks for responding to my reply.
    Elle.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi everyone,

    Things got bad again, and I was told both by the voices but also by childline to seek real life support. So I did. I went to my school PSP teacher and told them a lot (excluding the voices, I felt a bet too uncomfortable to talk about that). He was really understanding! I feel a lot better, and he's given me a card so I can get out of class whenever my emotions rile up and I just need some time yo vent. He's also arranged an appointment with the school nurse, so I guess I'll have to see what happens.

    Im really relived to have told someone in real life, but I cant thank you all enough here for being so supportive and nice. It definetely gave me the confidence to do someone that I never even dreamed of having the courage to do. TheSite has made me feel a lot more supported, and I will definitely recommend it to some others I know if the time comes.

    Thank you very much. I'll keep you updated!
    Sookie
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's really good to hear Sookie :yippe:

    You've taken a really positive step and it's great that opening up on here gave you the courage to seek other forms of support :)

    You're always welcome to post here when you need an outlet :yes:
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