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Is there something wrong with me?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi.
So I've always really wanted to write something like this but at the last second I always get really scared and never do it. I'm really scared people think I want attention/am overreacting but I really need to know if I really am overreacting or not. I'm a fourteen year old girl so this could be puberty hormones or whatever. Basically, every day I really don't want to sleep and end up getting around 5 hours of sleep a day and on weekends when I have nothing to do I usually sleep for twelve hours straight unless someone wakes me up. When I wake up for school, I usually sleep in another ten minutes or for as long as I can and I just hope school is miraculously cancelled or whatever. I'd never skip school for no reason and am getting good grades. During the day I either feel emotionless/empty or very happy and I laugh too much and am smiling a lot, there is no in-between. Like today, I was talking to a boy I really don't like and am annoyed by but I started thinking "He's really not that bad, I'm just judgmental," etc. I was laughing at everything we were telling eachother (we were talking about this annoying science teacher). But then suddenly near the end of the conversation awkward pauses started happening and I suddenly felt empty again (and started getting mad at myself for thinking he wasn't that bad and started thinking he's annoying again). I know I would never kill myself but sometimes I really wish I had the guts to do it but I don't want to die. I always think about what would happen if I killed myself and left a note thanking those who made life bearable and dropping hints about those who made it not as bearable/their reactions. In elementary school when I got mad at myself (during this period I felt empty a lot and cried but now I usually never do) I used to scratch my forearms but no one could see because they were just scratches.
Back on topic I don't like sleeping even though in the morning I feel very tired (eyes dry because I wear contacts too) and suddenly feel very happy then empty or hollow. During these happy times I think positively but sometimes I just keep thinking that I'm being super fake. I'm also paranoid that all my friends are going to leave me and I remember things they said about me word for word. In elementary I once snapped at a boy who was making fun of me being skinny and I ruined my friendly relationships with like 5 people (I kept on snapping at him and made him almost cry) because he started acting like the victim(I have a lot of times like this with my parents now where I feel controlled by anger and they say I act way out of line). I think my fear might have come from this and I think about that time more than once a day when I feel "empty" and imagine some scenarios where we meet again and become friends but in reality I know he moved to another city and I'll never see him again. Sometimes I also imagine scenarios where someone I know meets him and I tell them not to associate themselves with him and they thank me. Also at time I feel I have very little empathy/sympathy for others but sometimes I have more sympathy than those around me.
There's some more small stuff I find "off" about myself (I noticed all the friends I really like are sometimes judgmental and I enjoy knowing they like me) but above are my main concerns. I'm probably overreacting because there's nothing wrong with my life as it is now, really I just feel empty inside but it could just be my personality, haha. The weird thing is despite these feelings my grades are still good and my friends aren't really leaving me even though I sometimes suspect they don't really like me (They jokingly call me a serial killer and say I display little emotion sometimes). So yeah tell me if I'm just paranoid or maybe I have like a tiny bit of depression or social anxiety or something I don't know
Thanks for reading and bearing with me,
Danielle
So I've always really wanted to write something like this but at the last second I always get really scared and never do it. I'm really scared people think I want attention/am overreacting but I really need to know if I really am overreacting or not. I'm a fourteen year old girl so this could be puberty hormones or whatever. Basically, every day I really don't want to sleep and end up getting around 5 hours of sleep a day and on weekends when I have nothing to do I usually sleep for twelve hours straight unless someone wakes me up. When I wake up for school, I usually sleep in another ten minutes or for as long as I can and I just hope school is miraculously cancelled or whatever. I'd never skip school for no reason and am getting good grades. During the day I either feel emotionless/empty or very happy and I laugh too much and am smiling a lot, there is no in-between. Like today, I was talking to a boy I really don't like and am annoyed by but I started thinking "He's really not that bad, I'm just judgmental," etc. I was laughing at everything we were telling eachother (we were talking about this annoying science teacher). But then suddenly near the end of the conversation awkward pauses started happening and I suddenly felt empty again (and started getting mad at myself for thinking he wasn't that bad and started thinking he's annoying again). I know I would never kill myself but sometimes I really wish I had the guts to do it but I don't want to die. I always think about what would happen if I killed myself and left a note thanking those who made life bearable and dropping hints about those who made it not as bearable/their reactions. In elementary school when I got mad at myself (during this period I felt empty a lot and cried but now I usually never do) I used to scratch my forearms but no one could see because they were just scratches.
Back on topic I don't like sleeping even though in the morning I feel very tired (eyes dry because I wear contacts too) and suddenly feel very happy then empty or hollow. During these happy times I think positively but sometimes I just keep thinking that I'm being super fake. I'm also paranoid that all my friends are going to leave me and I remember things they said about me word for word. In elementary I once snapped at a boy who was making fun of me being skinny and I ruined my friendly relationships with like 5 people (I kept on snapping at him and made him almost cry) because he started acting like the victim(I have a lot of times like this with my parents now where I feel controlled by anger and they say I act way out of line). I think my fear might have come from this and I think about that time more than once a day when I feel "empty" and imagine some scenarios where we meet again and become friends but in reality I know he moved to another city and I'll never see him again. Sometimes I also imagine scenarios where someone I know meets him and I tell them not to associate themselves with him and they thank me. Also at time I feel I have very little empathy/sympathy for others but sometimes I have more sympathy than those around me.
There's some more small stuff I find "off" about myself (I noticed all the friends I really like are sometimes judgmental and I enjoy knowing they like me) but above are my main concerns. I'm probably overreacting because there's nothing wrong with my life as it is now, really I just feel empty inside but it could just be my personality, haha. The weird thing is despite these feelings my grades are still good and my friends aren't really leaving me even though I sometimes suspect they don't really like me (They jokingly call me a serial killer and say I display little emotion sometimes). So yeah tell me if I'm just paranoid or maybe I have like a tiny bit of depression or social anxiety or something I don't know
Thanks for reading and bearing with me,
Danielle
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Comments
Rather than attention seeking, we like to use the term 'care-seeking'.
Firstly, I noticed you talked about a lot in your post and I hope that having that outlet helped. It's great to see you opening up here and this can be an important and brave first step to seeking the support you need, so credit where it's due. :yes:
I don't mind sharing that I once got myself in to a very similar pattern to the one you describe about not wanting to sleep, hoping school miraculously goes away for some reason, and then hibernating on my days off. I found myself delaying sleep as much as possible because that meant tomorrow felt further away, but then it's a bit of a catch twenty two because you feel even worse the next morning. The effect of exhaustion can be very profound on our mental health and general well-being, and the importance of self care can sometimes be difficult to overstate.
I'm saying this because I finally ended up lifting myself out of this rut when I was able to talk about things (just like you are now), realise what the problem was and how to tackle it, and find myself reasons to get out of bed in the morning. On that note, I wonder if you have any hobbies or other things that would make you look forward to the next day? Something to really drive you forward?
Also, from how you describe your thoughts about relationships with your friends, it sounds like there's a lot going on in your head and that you spend a lot of time thinking things over. Having a busy head and finding yourself overthinking situations can create quite a messy cycle and make things hard to see clearly. Would you say that's what's happening?
Hello Danielle
To be honest you sound like a completely normal 14 year old. You're emotions are developing and they can be confusing at first but I suspect you're just trying to figure them out.
Great to hear you felt better! You're more than welcome to carry on using this space (even if it is just to vent - having that outlet can be super important), and talking about this sort of thing is never an inconvenience.