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New member - long time mental health

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,

This is my first time using this so please bear with me.

So background info: (its long I'm sorry!)

I am a long time sufferer of severe anxiety. Ever since I was a very small child I have lived in fear of EVERYTHING. I mean everything to this day a lot of things take a lot of effort to overcome. Just leaving my room or going downstairs or walking to work or having people talk to me or ask my train ticket, what if I fall over, what if something bad happens. Put it this way I never relax. I've always been in the mind of everything has to be perfect and I'm nothing near to that... albeit I can comprehend that we all have flaws about us that make us so painfully human. So I'm still aware of both perspectives. I just worry a lot.

Well I had a tough childhood (for me that is) my family were emotionally abusive, came from a background of insults will make you stronger, tears show you are weak- I'm sure you know what I mean by that. I was also a military child so I moved around loads which fitting in became difficult because I had become mean and angry... because that was very much the situation at home. I can remember from when I was about 3 years old being called a cow and progressively that turned into more rude and swear word kinda things... yep. So making friends did not come easy! and it still doesn't I struggle to behave "appropriately". which is because I am more open now. I share anything and everything and that can put people off but it just seems normal to just talk openly about everything. I don't know.

Anywho (cutting majorly long story shorter..) I've had a few traumatic events... being violated... sexually (don't worry that's been dealt with in the police but trauma still lies beneath right?) someone tried to kidnap me when i was young... being physically abused.. so on.. well During those years I suffered from Severe depression - it was only until last year i was actually medically diagnosed with this. I was also diagnosed with having mild hallucinations. well sometimes i hear things that arent there and when i was younger i used to see things. anyway severe depression got really bad - i became Really suicidal... almost twice a week id attempt but then id feel like i snapped out of it and i was okay.(this doesnt happen anymore by the way.. I appreciate life more) My memory became terrible. I could barely get up, i felt sick every day, i didnt wash for weeks, i suffered from insomnia and so on... I had CBT therapy provided by the NHS and after a while my therapist left without telling me and during it she contacted social services behind my back and my family shamed me for what i had told her. This became too much for me to cope with so I'm not wanting to go near therapy... i get that because it was bad the first time it might not be the second but mentally i block myself... i was then put on citalopram and i decided i wanted to conquer it myself and came off that

So lucky for me I met a guy when i was on a somewhat flat period and i wasnt too depressed and he became a huge motivation in order to help myself and my depression pretty much got kicked out the door. Relationships with family improved and it was going pretty well I mean REALLY WELL. Life was on a high and my parents and I bridged grounds with them and we spoke more. I felt like I could let them into my life and I felt happy... i got an apprenticeship and all. end of last year i lost my childhood friend and a long time family pet as he wasnt well... he was 16 and my best friend during the times of neglect and sadness, I cant help but still tear up over it. during the last week my parents called me up explaining they were going separate ways. I believe they called me up during an argument because i could hear the other one screaming in the background. fights like that were very normal through most of my younger life. Well I've heard nothing about that since. to me i am not bothered whether they split up or not. I just don't like being kept in the dark. Well recently I haven't been coping well. Every time i see my parents they kinda attack me (not physically) but more in the sense ill go do something and they say "YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO WORKS!" and im all "I havent said anything..." you know? they kinda try and start something? work is hard to cope with as well and im finding myself going to bed at about 8pm and just sleeping all night. I feel exhausted all the time... i dont feel like eating...


Well a couple times this month my mind has "exploded" a really small and simple situation arises and my whole brain just meltdowns and I'm having extraordinary mood swings. I havent felt this way in a long time... but overally i feel pretty low again.

Well last night myself and the boyfriend kinda had one of those small situation explosions... again... He told me he wanted me to seek help... but really therapy or medication is something I don't want to go back to...

So basically after all that background info of why i get the way i do... and my fears and stuff..
I need ways to cope... and thats why i need your help.. I need ways to get over my fears... and push on... I cant keep relying on my boyfriend because it can be draining for him.

So mainly I need to be able to cope on my own without feeling alone and depressed.
I need to stop being paranoid over everything and scared to let people in.
I just have real issues coping with everything
I feel silly for posting all this... its not even all relevant i just dont know where i start...
theres a lot in my life ive never really been able to close the door on and when i start getting somewhere something trips me up...
I just dont want to feel like theres a nightmare in my mind every day...
Ive tried counting slowly... meditating... i cant seem to relax... i try doing things i enjoy... please if you have any coping methods or techniques to help you think positive...

i mainly get depressed in the evenings after work well its dark and its been a long day yknow...
my head is scattered...

(sorry for all typos and lack of punctuation)

(I'd like to point out im in a safe environment and at no risk of being any situation that causes me harm)

Comments

  • MikeMike Screen addict 🎮 LondonPosts: 2,558 Community Manager
    Hey Laisbeth, welcome to the boards :wave:

    I just wanted to say that reaching out on here and opening up like that is an enormously brave and great step in getting the support you need. You've clearly been through an awful lot in your life and I think it's brilliant that you're remaining so strong and determined to help yourself after everything that's happened. Credit where it's due, here. :yes: Mad respect (at the risk of sounding like a young'un!)

    It really sounds like your anxiety is wearing you down, which coupled with your depression and the rest of the things you have going on, must create a bit of a nasty cocktail of things in your head - 'a nightmare in your mind' as you brilliantly called it. When day to day thoughts become so overwhelming like this, it can be really hard to find a way to ground yourself enough to try and tackle things and support yourself adequately.

    All of these things, tied up with the exhaustion you mention, really can make things seem insurmountable and difficult to cope with. It's totally understandable for you to "explode" at things that seem so simple and trivial in hindsight - have you ever heard the phrase "the straw that breaks the camel's back"? It basically means that a minor or routine or action, however small or seemingly low impacting, can have a massive effect and trigger something very strong, sudden and serious if it's happening often enough. The same sort of perspective could be applied to your parents and the way that they can sometimes appear to be biting your head off for no discernible reason, just like you mentioned.

    In terms of more independent support, TheSite has an article on coping with stress which you might find useful; we also have an expert chat transcript on the same subject. Another article that could be of some help is depression and your relationship - I wanted to drop this in because you mention things being tough with your partner, too.

    On that note, have you had a chat with him about the ways he could support you best? Sometimes it's easy for a loved one to feel driven to try to protect and help us without being fully aware of the ways that work for us and the support we want.

    Feel free to keep us posted and keep using this space in whatever way you need to - I didn't touch on everything you mentioned because I'm sure members of the community can help with the different areas of your post. :)

    All the best
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Avatar credit: Gethin Oliver
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