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Mind is Everywhere

Too much on my mind

Where to start..... I just have so much on my mind right now! Everything's buzzing. I can't stop thinking, I need to type it out.

1) was out with friends tonight, the conversation turned to "mental breakdowns" etc. (long story) made me think am I normal? Wanted to tell friends about my feelings, whTs been happening but I don't have the courage.

2) we were chatting about self consciousness. I told them about my self conscious walking, I think I look weird. My friends looked a bit puzzled. One was like why do you walk like that, thankfully another backed me up and said its just a habit.

3) I'm an idiot. I do listen but sometimes I randomly say things out with the conversation, sometimes I don't know what to say. Luckily my friends just laughed it off. People will think I'm ignorant at university. I don't mean it, sometimes I just get sucked into my own bubble.

4) saw a photo of myself tonight. I must have gained weight, I feel disgusted by the way I look. No wonder, my eating habits are atrocious at the moment (don't like talking about this but I need to admit it to myself, been binging again, think I do it to comfort myself sometimes, it's disgusting, I'm slipping into bad habits)

5)was excited about uni, but after reading the emails. I'm so anxious, worrying about what if I don't sign up to classes properly etc. Also I've started worrying about exams when I haven't started yet, I'm worried about failing. I'm determined to work hard, but I'm worried what if I make a fool of myself by giving a shit answer).

6) I'm scared about people at uni. Feeling very anxious.

7) I'm getting into bad habits. Started avoiding meeting up with certain people, avoiding situations due to anxiety. I'm fine with closest friends but still. I need to stop it, how am I ever going to fit in at uni

8) I don't like the idea of getting drunk. I hate clubbing as i dislike the crowds, I feel the environment is disgusting eg. Sticky floors and seats eww. How will I fit in at uni?

9) I just want to fit in :(

10) I'm so self conscious! :(

11) I'm just so overwhelmed

12) talking rubbish right now, things don't make sense, I just need to unleash my mind. Too much in my head tonight

13) worrying about dying alone

14) paranoid I'm making myself sick. Hard to explain

15) ahhh stop it Amanda

16) want to tell myself to shut up

-7) my minds driving me insane

18) so many typos but you know what I don't give a fuck

19) :(

20) I keep calling myself names in my head, I'm a bitch, cow, shut up head

:(:(:(

I'm such an embarrassment for writing this, I just need to let it out

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