Struggling: TW: Sexual Assault
I just kinda feel the need to post here because I'm struggling so much tonight. I don't know what to do. I guess this is just a vent but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Basically today I had my second counselling session. I told her all about the sexual assault. I even told her things that I didn't tell my counsellor at Rape Crisis when I had some help through them. At first I felt kinda better. Like a weight had been lifted from my chest. But as the evening has gone on I feel so bad. I hate myself for telling her. I wish I hadn't. I'm so angry. She asked me at the end of the session how I felt. She wanted to make sure I wasn't going to harm myself. I told her I felt bad but I won't. Now I'm not so sure if I can keep that promise. I really don't want to do anything silly but I feel like I have nobody to talk to. I know that no amount of talking will take back the pain he has caused me. My counsellor saw what disclosing did to me. She saw what happened and she even likened it to PTSD. I don't know how to help myself right now. All I seem to think about what he did. I can still smell his breath on me. His weight holding me down. The sounds around me and what the ceiling looked like. I hate what this has done to me.
I know I should go back next week but I'm scared. There were other things I wanted to tell her.. About life at home but we quickly ran out of time and she didn't wanna open anything else up so quickly. But the thing is that now I don't think I will be able to tell her. I kinda felt like I had finally got the courage to bring it up and now I don't think I can ever face this again. I'm so sorry for complaining guys I just have no idea where else to turn. I feel lost and alone and so so so vulnerable right now.
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.