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Struggling: TW: Sexual Assault
ShatteredSecrets
Posts: 186 Helping Hand
Hi guys..
I just kinda feel the need to post here because I'm struggling so much tonight. I don't know what to do. I guess this is just a vent but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Basically today I had my second counselling session. I told her all about the sexual assault. I even told her things that I didn't tell my counsellor at Rape Crisis when I had some help through them. At first I felt kinda better. Like a weight had been lifted from my chest. But as the evening has gone on I feel so bad. I hate myself for telling her. I wish I hadn't. I'm so angry. She asked me at the end of the session how I felt. She wanted to make sure I wasn't going to harm myself. I told her I felt bad but I won't. Now I'm not so sure if I can keep that promise. I really don't want to do anything silly but I feel like I have nobody to talk to. I know that no amount of talking will take back the pain he has caused me. My counsellor saw what disclosing did to me. She saw what happened and she even likened it to PTSD. I don't know how to help myself right now. All I seem to think about what he did. I can still smell his breath on me. His weight holding me down. The sounds around me and what the ceiling looked like. I hate what this has done to me.
I know I should go back next week but I'm scared. There were other things I wanted to tell her.. About life at home but we quickly ran out of time and she didn't wanna open anything else up so quickly. But the thing is that now I don't think I will be able to tell her. I kinda felt like I had finally got the courage to bring it up and now I don't think I can ever face this again. I'm so sorry for complaining guys I just have no idea where else to turn. I feel lost and alone and so so so vulnerable right now.
- ShatteredSecrets
I just kinda feel the need to post here because I'm struggling so much tonight. I don't know what to do. I guess this is just a vent but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Basically today I had my second counselling session. I told her all about the sexual assault. I even told her things that I didn't tell my counsellor at Rape Crisis when I had some help through them. At first I felt kinda better. Like a weight had been lifted from my chest. But as the evening has gone on I feel so bad. I hate myself for telling her. I wish I hadn't. I'm so angry. She asked me at the end of the session how I felt. She wanted to make sure I wasn't going to harm myself. I told her I felt bad but I won't. Now I'm not so sure if I can keep that promise. I really don't want to do anything silly but I feel like I have nobody to talk to. I know that no amount of talking will take back the pain he has caused me. My counsellor saw what disclosing did to me. She saw what happened and she even likened it to PTSD. I don't know how to help myself right now. All I seem to think about what he did. I can still smell his breath on me. His weight holding me down. The sounds around me and what the ceiling looked like. I hate what this has done to me.
I know I should go back next week but I'm scared. There were other things I wanted to tell her.. About life at home but we quickly ran out of time and she didn't wanna open anything else up so quickly. But the thing is that now I don't think I will be able to tell her. I kinda felt like I had finally got the courage to bring it up and now I don't think I can ever face this again. I'm so sorry for complaining guys I just have no idea where else to turn. I feel lost and alone and so so so vulnerable right now.
- ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
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Comments
I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling so angry and low about bringing up this painful memory in your counselling session. It sounds like you're feeling a bit confused about whether or not it was a good idea. It might be that, as this is such a difficult and scary memory, talking about it with a counsellor for the first time has brought up all sorts of feelings immediately which will settle down a bit in the next few days. It's normal to feel overwhelmed when dealing with a memory of sexual assault - it's a brave challenge to take on.
You said you felt like a weight had been lifted when you talked about it in the session. A weight being lifted is a positive thing - it's a relief, we don't feel so much pressure and things get lighter. But it also means dealing with change - things aren't where they were before, they've shifted into a different shape, we might not know straight away how they'll look later on. That's not a bad thing, but it can feel scary to deal with uncertainty as well as positivity.
It sounds like you're doing a lot to help yourself by talking and wanting to go back to your counselling, even if it feels scary. Do you think the fact that you quickly ran out of time at this session might have affected you as well? It can be a bit disorientating to open up about painful memories and then have to go out into the world again too soon. It might feel hard to trust that each session will be a little bit easier now that you've made that first step and it won't be so difficult to open up at your next appointment.
Let us know how you get on with the next session and you can always come and talk to us here too
SarahR
All the best *hug*
I did end up going back for counselling. I ended up arriving 2hours early and freaking out. I ended up spilling my guts about how awful this week has been, my suicidal thoughts, possible plans etc. One thing that does kind of confuse me is she keeps mentioning PTSD. I mean she has never explicitly said "I think you have PTSD" but it keeps cropping up in the sessions. Im just kinda thinking if she thinks that from the assault, what is she going to think if/when I tell her other things. I really want to tell her about home stuff but I'm afraid to.
Any advice is always welcome..
- ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
Well done for going back for your second appointment, it sounds like it was a challenge but you were able to open up about a lot of important things. It sounds like you were a bit taken aback when your counsellor mentioned PTSD. It could be that she's not trying to diagnose you; she's just using a recognisable term to explain a little bit of what's going on. Going through something so traumatic can bring up lots of painful memories years down the line, so it's understandable that you would be affected in this way.
It sounds like you're feeling fearful about what it could mean to have your counsellor mention things like PTSD in sessions, and you're now worried about bringing up other things. Do you think you could mention how worried you are to your counsellor? It's likely she'd be glad that you're being honest and would be able to put your mind at rest.
I hope this is helpful
SarahR
I suppose I could talk to her about it and maybe tell her to stop saying it. Idk.
Thanks.
- ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.