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Struggling with loss - abortion
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I had an abortion almost 9 years ago now and this is the first time I have ever written these words. It is still so hard to think about how my life would have turned out differently if I had taken the time to really think about the possibility of not terminating. I wonder constantly if I would have had a boy or a girl and what I would have named him or her.
I have read so many articles and discussion posts about how time makes it easier to deal with the consequences of my actions, but to me time just makes my feelings more intense. I recently found out I was going to be an aunt for the very first time. I cried every night for about a week. I am so incredibly happy for my brother and his wife, but it is so hard for me to express my joy for them when all I can think about is what I did so many years ago. I knew I wasn't "ready" to be a mom yet, but I have come to realize that few people ever are.
Has anyone else felt this way after getting the news about a loved one being pregnant? If so, how did you work through this indescribable feeling of loss?
I have read so many articles and discussion posts about how time makes it easier to deal with the consequences of my actions, but to me time just makes my feelings more intense. I recently found out I was going to be an aunt for the very first time. I cried every night for about a week. I am so incredibly happy for my brother and his wife, but it is so hard for me to express my joy for them when all I can think about is what I did so many years ago. I knew I wasn't "ready" to be a mom yet, but I have come to realize that few people ever are.
Has anyone else felt this way after getting the news about a loved one being pregnant? If so, how did you work through this indescribable feeling of loss?
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It's positive you've felt able to post about this, it sounds like you've been carrying your sorrow for a long time without feeling able to express it.
You say that over time your feelings have become more intense - this sounds incredibly upsetting. Often if we are left with our thoughts spinning in our heads, they can take a downward spiral and end up dominating our ability to look forward or focus on letting things go in order to find peace with our decisions.
Did you ever found a space to talk about your feelings in more depth, with a counsellor or therapist for example? From what you've told us here about the 'indescribable feeling of loss' you're still very much in the grieving process and so by granting yourself some time and focus for true acknowledgement and acceptance, you may find a some kind of lessening in the intensity.
Feel free to share the bigger picture too - are you in a relationship at the moment, for example?
*hug*
I really wish I had something helpful and productive to say but I don't but we could all use a *hug* every now and again, so here is a virtual one for you *hug*
We are here for you
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Hi Helen,
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I have been carrying around a lot of guilt, shame, and resentment. I did seek help several times throughout the years but I didn't really stick with it to get to this underlying problem of my feelings about the abortion. It was always something else that I was struggling with that I tended to focus on. I guess that's what happens when I try to hide from the root of the problem.
The reason it took me this long to even write about it is actually due to a number of things. The first I had already mentioned - my brother and his wife are expecting their first child. The main reason, though, is because I recently found out that I may not be able to get pregnant again because of some medical issues that I'm having with my ovaries. As difficult as that was for me to hear, I feel like this is a punishment I had been expecting. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in Karma. I guess this was mine.
How I got pregnant….
In the summer of 2008, I was lucky enough to have the most amazing adventure of my life when I went to study abroad in Costa Rica. At the time my boyfriend and I had been together for 2 years and were already living together. It was a pretty rocky relationship (and still is to this day) so I thought this trip would give both of us time to think about what we wanted for our future. Long story short, going to Costa Rica was the best thing that ever happened to me - I felt like a whole new person.
Before I left for this trip, I had gone to see my GYN about birth control so that I can start it on the trip and have it reach plateau (stabilize in my body) so that when I returned I wouldn't be as stressed out about unintentionally getting pregnant since that was a major issue at that time for me and my boyfriend. I had chosen to use the patch because I was worried about forgetting to take the pill on a daily basis.
So the most amazing 2 months of my life go by and I return from my trip in a state of bliss. I was so happy that even the arguments with my boyfriend didn't arouse any anger in me. I was so happy… until 4 weeks after the trip I was late. I was a bit worried but knew that irregularities could occur in the first few cycles. At the time my boyfriend and I also had a roommate who I had casually mentioned that I was late to. She had an extra pregnancy test and gave it to me to take "just in case". I think that this was the only time in my life that I felt 100% confident that I couldn't be pregnant. I was faithful to my boyfriend and didn't consider the fact that I had already been home for a month. I went to the bathroom, peed on the stick, and casually placed it on some toilet paper to wait for the results. About 2 minutes later I looked at the little screen and it said "pregnant". I can still remember the dreadful shock, panic, and fear that overwhelmed my body and mind. I thought it was a mistake so I went to the store, bought 3 different pregnancy tests and a gallon of water. They were all positive.
When I told my boyfriend, he didn't believe it was true. He thought that I cheated on him during the trip. This argument continued for 2 more days until I went to planned parenthood and got an ultrasound that showed that I was 3 weeks pregnant. Let's just say that my boyfriend was not happy with the fact that he was wrong about accusing me of cheating, but instead of being supportive and caring he basically abandoned me during this time.
I'm getting a bit emotional writing this so I'll have to continue at a later time.**
It does sound like you were going through a pretty difficult period in your life when you found out you were pregnant. Your boyfriend in particular sounds like he was a complete asshole to you and that this lack of support may have contributed to this sense of loss and isolation you're feeling. As Helen has already suggested- perhaps counselling will help you deal with the sense of loss you're feeling?
If I was in your situation, I would be focusing on the fact that at the time it was probably for the best. Did you have any other support from family or friends? It's incredibly difficult to raise a child alone and if you felt you weren't going to be able to cope, then surely it was better to make the decision to end the pregnancy? Also, it still isn't too late for you to have children and perhaps later you will be in a better place to provide and support a child (perhaps with a father who isn't going to fuck off when you announce your pregnancy). I understand this doesn't change the sense of grief you have, but this could be resolved better if you had some more support to deal with the emotions you've carried for so long.
I wish I could be of more help but sadly grief is a very personal experience.. and every person deals with it differently. I hope you do get the support you need soon