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Life...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've spent so long trying to get better I've actually feared relapsing, But now I know I'm starting to go downhill again, My emotions are everywhere I keep crying through no apparent reasons, I want to scream, Sometimes I just want to get on a train and take myself anywhere, but never come back, I'm exhausted physically and mentally, I don't even know how to think anymore, I know its probably not a good idea at the fact I haven't taken my medication in a while but i genuinally don't think thats a factor in how im feeling.

I miss my dad, and i feel like everytime I think about it I'm forgetting him more and more, His fave things, Half of them I can't remember, I need him back. What if i forget him fully? I don't think i can carry on without him in my future, he was the life and soul of the party, the man i turned to whenever I needed help, who am i meant to turn to now? I need him back. It hurts so fucking much.

I keep thinking about suicide, Not that I'm going to act ont eh thoughts, I just keep thinking it wouldn't be to bad if it happened, i can't see a life past the age i am now,

I'm not doig okay.

My partner has depression, which we all know the cause is me, She never had this diagnosis until she met me, infact she was far from it, I'msuch a burdon, ive taken her happiness, her room, she now sleeps on the floor, and she has no money...Ive ruined everything.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Emmalee, I do feel for u a lot.

    I know life can be crawl sometimes and not a bed of roses. Everyone goes through hard times as that's what makes us the same. No one can say there life is perfect all the time, that's just not living in the real world.

    How ur feeling is totally normal. You just lost someone who u was very close to and from what u said about not knowing wether ur coming or going is understandable. You are feeling lost at the moment cuz ur still trying to come to terms with the lost. Is there anyone u feel u can talk to? Do u think speaking to a counseller might help?

    Counselling can benefit people a lot if they need a shoulder to cry on or to get things off ur chest. I do think the way ur feeling can help u deal with those emotions in a better light. I know there are other things on ur mind but I do think ur first stop would maybe to talk to someone about everything ur thinking.

    Im sorry to hear about ur partner. Seems like isnt feeling 100% in his self but u shouldn't blame urself. You are both going through a hard time and need to be there for each other. Is he seeing a GP or counselling? Could refering ur partner be a good idea? What about in terms of u and there's relationship, are u both getting on ok?

    When u mentioned the medication, I did think first of all the reason why ur this overwhelmed is because u stopped taking ur medication but I don't think that's the case. I do think it's the fact that u lost ur dad all those years ago and now ur feeling low again u finding it hard cuz hes not there for someone u can talk to. The only thing I would say is try and go back to ur GP and mention to them what I just said on here and that u also stopped taking ur medication. Being honest and open to them will let them into everything ur dealing with.

    Where are u now if u dont mind me asking? Are u at home safe? If u ever feel at danager or at risk then please call The Crisis Team straight away. Please don't do anything stupid and if u are then pick up the phone and call them.

    In the mean time the smartians are good people to talk to and remember u can talk to us. Dont suffer in silence. The last thing we want to hear is ur feeling isolated from everyone and thats why talking to someone could help u right now.

    Hugs x
  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 The Mix Regular
    Sorry to hear you're feeling low, Em.

    Would you consider making a memory box about your dad, where you could just write on small strips of paper some anecdotes or whatever springs to mind, as well as some keepsakes? Then you could add to it whenever you remember something else, and it would help preserve the memories for the future; how does that sound?

    Speak to your partner too, and see whether there is something you could do for one another that would help you both.

    *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Plugitin's idea about a memory box is a really good idea. I think talking to people about him could be good for you too, not necessarily about what happened, but just generally about him, I love hearing your stories about him and all the little things he did and how he was the best man ever, keep talking about him. I can't imagine how painful this is for you and how much you're hurting right now. I just want you to know you're making him so proud with everything you've achieved and everything you're doing with your life.

    I don't think you're the cause of her depression, just because she never had the diagnosis doesn't mean she never had these feelings.

    I know things seem so hopeless right now and like they're only going to get worse but that's not the case lovely, I know you can't see it yourself right now but things can get better.

    Love you Emmy
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your replies,

    I have made a memory box for my dad, I made it around christmas time, I just can't stop thinking of all the things he won't see the things he won't get to visit, The memories I'm missing out of, and It makes me so depressed but I just can't stop it. A year later after his death I should be over it I know, or at least dealing with it in a more constructive way, but I just can't.

    I can't even think about Ellie without crying.....and Mia, Mia is a whole new story.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's no time frame in which you should be over someone's death. In fact, I don't think we can ever truly get over the death of a loved one.
  • GregGreg Noob Posts: 50
    Hi Emmalee,

    Sorry to hear what you're going through. Losing someone that was so close to you is a very hard to experience. Please know that we are all here for you and that we want the best. I agree with Melian that there is no time frame to get over a death. Try not to be embarrassed or sad that you are not over the passing of your dad.

    I know for some people, they would do things that you and your dad used to do. Do you think that could work for you? Like if you two would go on walks together, maybe going to the same place and walk by yourself. That can be a good way to think of all the positive and fun times you had with your dad.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think I can carry on...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Emmalee wrote: »
    I don't think I can carry on...


    Hey Em,

    In your first post you said
    I'm exhausted physically and mentally

    This is no small thing and you need some time to recharge by the sounds of it, a bit of tlc?

    This exhausttion will be having an affect on how you feel so I wonder - what one thing could you to today to be kind to yourself? You deserve it.

    *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hiccup wrote: »
    I don't think you're the cause of her depression, just because she never had the diagnosis doesn't mean she never had these feelings.

    Agreed. I was once blamed for someone's depression and was told by my mum that whilst my actions may not have helped, it's not my fault. You can't control the way someone acts or feels.

    I don't think you'll ever forget your dad completely.

    Are you getting any help / do you have anyone you can talk to about how you're feeling?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't have anyone to speak to, I have a really big problem going on right now, Which I can't write on the boards...because of reasons..

    I was in hospital yesterday, this man got sectioned in the waiting room, I dunno why this is affecting me so much
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hugs emmy ,

    It does take a long time to get over a loved one.

    How u feeling today
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel so emotionally drained. Thoughts of suicide keep coming into my head all the time, Everything is triggering me, Even small things, Watching the tele and someone will slightly mention some kind of mental health issue and I'll think they're joking about me, Mocking me, and wanting me to die, Paranoia is stopping me from doing a lot of things, Will they laugh at me?Are they making fun of me....They hate me, I went to leeds yesterday and I cried all the way home because I thought I'd made a fool of myself, I thought everyone on the train was staring at me..
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Hi Em,
    It sounds like you're feeling a lot of anxiety at the moment and this is affecting you in lots of different situations. It's also really difficult that you have something going on at the moment that's a big deal, but that as you've identified, perhaps here isn't the best place to talk about - I just wondered if you are in touch with any other support services at the moment that are perhaps a bit more confidential? SANE or Mind infoline, for example? It's really important that you feel you have an outlet for whatever it is that's upsetting you.

    You say you don't thing stopping your medication is a factor in how you're feeling - is this something you've had any advice on? It would be good to understand a bit more about your reasoning for this.

    In terms of your girlfriend's depression, does she know you think it's somehow your fault? And if yes, how does she respond? If she says it isn't, then it's really important to listen to her and try and understand the factors - because if we assume the reason for something and it's not correct, then we don't give the person who is feeling depressed the opportunity to move forwards. If she says it is, then is she able to be specific and are there ways you can work together to improve your current living situation?

    Are there activities you do together to help each other relax and feel at ease? If you're struggling with this then that's something people here at TheSite can give you some ideas for... :chin:

    I hope you're somewhere you feel safe right now, Em. Do keep posting here and remember we really do care for you *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Emmalee, I was just checking to see if ur feeling ok today? I know that maybe a bit of a stupid question but do care about u.

    Its true what everyone is saying Emmalee, theres no time scale on when ur suppose to move on from the tragic death of ur dad. You need to do whats right for u and keeping the good memorys in place to know ur always have them and they will never go away.

    I can tell by what u said that ur really close to ur dad and that will never change. Those feelings are completely normal. Im sure hes looking down on u right now thinking how proud he is of u by being a very strong young woman whos always made him the happiest dad alive.

    Remember he will always be there with u. Your dad will never go away and will always protect u because ur his little girl and wants u to be safe.

    Please keep reaching out on here,

    We all care about u so much and were sorry for ur loss.

    Hugs xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    3 years ago today I never realised how much my heart would break in just a few days time, I was planning Megans Surprise party, with Her mum, Shes a twin, so None of them we're in on it, I baked the cake, I wanted to make it special for her, and her present was a book she'd been wanting to read it for ages, The day came (24th) We had so much fun, i try holding onto these memories, Her 18th Birthday was Fun, She was happy. She smiled...6 days later, We all cried...Cried as we found out the news she'd left our world....I wonder if she ever read that book?

    Almost 3 years ago she died, and I'm honestly not coping well with at all..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Emmalee, I'm so sorry to hear about this.

    I know it's understandable then u need some to grieve which is really hard for u right now. You have been a really strong and brave person in all of this and I think she would be looking down on u all the time being there for u.

    I think she would be really proud of u. Please not suffer alone as reaching out to ur friends and family will help to support u through difficult time and u can support them. You are all here for each other no matter what. Also all the memories u have is something u treasure forever and maybe writing all the good things u and her did together is something u can read all the time.

    Remember were all here for u so please keep reaching out

    Hugs x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Spent all weekend with Daisy, a 6month old baby..She was super cute, but looked so much like Mia..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hugs Emmy,

    What dis u do with her and did u enjoy it. I know its hard for u and ur having a proper shit time at the moment
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    considering quitting my job
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Emmalee wrote: »
    considering quitting my job

    What's going on lovely? *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's all too much, it's all too overwhelming, I've hit a barrier I can't overcome, I can't beat this anymore, It's too much, I keep having dreams where I'm jumping infront of a train...and I'm getting two trains wednesday, All i keep thinking is "Yes, Plenty of opportunities" Everything is its just too hard, I miss people, I miss everyone, I'm holding onto things. I'm holding things that hurt. but i can't let them go..I need to.

    I'm quitting my job because its not fair for my colleagues and people I'm supporting to have to deal with my death. Which i know...will be shortly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Emmalee wrote: »
    I've hit a barrier I can't overcome.

    You can overcome this. Things are crap at the moment and it's one of those moments when you're fully justified in saying "life's a bitch."

    Some of the things you've experienced won't ever stop hurting. It's about managing that hurt and pain, grief in particular is a never ending learning experience because there is no predicting you will feel; each time is different which makes it even harder. No one can take the pain away but we can sit and ride it out with you. And there are people who want to do that, because we love and care for you *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your not on your own. Remember were here if you wanna talk.

    Have you spoken to anyone how your feeling? Would be a good idea if you did. I know it's hard but there are people who can help.

    I know we do my understand what your going through but we won't judge or anything. Your not on your own as were here for you.

    I'm here if you wanna talk x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Three fucking years...Its like my hearts being torn...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This must be really hard for you I'm sure. You know how much this effects you without being able to forget about your dad passing away which can being distressing.

    You know that your family are going through the same pain so maybe sharing those good memories of your dad altogether will help you to think that you had some good times without thinking of the bad.

    I think keeping your memories with you is important and it will still hard to not forget the he's no longer there but trying to keep postive and strong is all you can do.

    I think he will still be proud of you no matter what and will look down on you.

    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wish suicide wasn't constantly on my mind...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I need things to be okay...I wish things we're okay. But I know they're not...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have an appoitment to see someone from the Mental Health team, The woman has the same name as me...I feel weird, How have I managed to get myself back in mental health system
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope all goes well for you
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