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Mental health

I think I've reached absolute breaking point but I can't stand the idea of wanting long term help and I just don't know how to figure out what I truly want and/or need. Building up to a certain moment, I could want help, but then during that moment I don't want help, and after that moment I'd have so many thoughts going through my head and I don't know where to reach out or why. I don't know if I really need to. I can't stand it when people worry about me and I hate letting people in anyway, but I don't know if I can do this alone. I genuinely do not know what I want, I can't figure out my own head. It's driving me mad. I can't even find the words to explain what I'm hoping to get from this thread.
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I don't really know what to say but I am here for you always.