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Self harm cycle (could be triggering)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm in a cycle. I'm cutting a lot but it's not like usual and it feels like I'm stuck in the unknown. When I cut at the moment, it's because I get to the point in my day where I think I'm just so numb and it's as though I want to put that to the test because every time, I genuinely don't think I'd feel it. But I do feel it and it absolutely hurts like heck. I used to always cut for the pain and I'm not doing anything different really so in the back of my mind I'm thinking surely the pain must be the same as it always has been? But it doesn't feel like that at all because it's just so horrific and it's like suddenly I'm no longer numb, it all just lands again with a force, and the pain that I'm getting from cutting is what causes everything to become too much and I just cry, but I think purely because of that physical pain. I can't cope with the burning feeling and every time I think to myself why am I such an idiot? I mean common sense - it's always the same recently so obviously that's how it will be this time but when I'm in that moment of numbness, it's as though I'm not all there. I don't even try to be logical. I just do it as though it's what's necessary. I don't even know if I want to cut. I think I do because I always have, it's my coping method and I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to, so part of me feels like maybe in that moment my mind is secretly turning to what it knows and maybe it's just shocked at the sudden feelings compared to feeling numb. I don't know though, it's just so different at the moment and I'm confused because cutting has helped me for years now, so what's different? I don't think I'll ever stop though and I don't want to.
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Have you ever thought about what you might be able to do to help you cope with your anxiety? I wonder if any of this sounds familiair?
There are some good tips here for coping with anxiety - things you can do yourself. I know in the past you've found talking to someone face to face difficult so you may prefer to do some of these things yourself to begin with.
it sounds like you're feeling confused and you're trying to work out how you feel about different things, including your relationship with self harm. That's a lot of pressure you're putting on yourself.
I wonder, do you have times when you feel your anxiety lifts and you're able to enjoy something? Even something small?
*hug*
The majority sounds familiar. I like the idea of the 'happy diary' but I think that's something I wouldn't really feel motivated to keep up with. Self-help books have often appealed to me so I might look into getting at least one to start with.
I may have misunderstood the question but fresh air helps with anxiety in terms of lessening it. Also, looking after nephew helps because making sure he's okay and stays safe is the most important thing. It's almost as though I'm a different person when responsible for him because I could do absolutely anything if it's in his best interests. It's hard to explain.