Self harm cycle (could be triggering)

Former Member

I'm in a cycle. I'm cutting a lot but it's not like usual and it feels like I'm stuck in the unknown. When I cut at the moment, it's because I get to the point in my day where I think I'm just so numb and it's as though I want to put that to the test because every time, I genuinely don't think I'd feel it. But I do feel it and it absolutely hurts like heck. I used to always cut for the pain and I'm not doing anything different really so in the back of my mind I'm thinking surely the pain must be the same as it always has been? But it doesn't feel like that at all because it's just so horrific and it's like suddenly I'm no longer numb, it all just lands again with a force, and the pain that I'm getting from cutting is what causes everything to become too much and I just cry, but I think purely because of that physical pain. I can't cope with the burning feeling and every time I think to myself why am I such an idiot? I mean common sense - it's always the same recently so obviously that's how it will be this time but when I'm in that moment of numbness, it's as though I'm not all there. I don't even try to be logical. I just do it as though it's what's necessary. I don't even know if I want to cut. I think I do because I always have, it's my coping method and I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to, so part of me feels like maybe in that moment my mind is secretly turning to what it knows and maybe it's just shocked at the sudden feelings compared to feeling numb. I don't know though, it's just so different at the moment and I'm confused because cutting has helped me for years now, so what's different? I don't think I'll ever stop though and I don't want to.

Former Member

I want to give up today and just refuse to take part in life. It has gone half eight and my anxiety has been horrendous for a short while already. Fuck today. Life is so fucking stupid sometimes and it needs to be acceptable that someone might just want to hide and generally waste the day away. I feel utterly horrific and this is going to go on literally all day and will probably get worse as day goes on. All I want to do is cut. Then more and more and more. Just keep cutting and lose track of time. Arm really fucking hurts from last night and looks a mess but I don't give a crap. I want that pain this time because right now, anything will be better than how I'm feeling in general. Fuck everyone and everything.

Former Member

I know I'm going off track from why I originally posted thread but whatevs. I'm really upset. I'm so angry but seriously feel like I could just cry forever. I've lost track of everything and I can't stand it. I feel like everyone is just picking away at my mind with the intent to escalate everything - maybe it seems funny to people? I'm ready to absolutely lose my temper with them but that's probably just going to be used against me to escalate further. Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.

Former Member

I'm finding it really hard to even try and settle. My thoughts have been in complete overdrive and the mess is doing my head in. I don't really know how to explain it but it feels like I genuinely know exactly what I want, it's all up there, it's strong, it's intense, almost as if it's as clear as day but then my actions tell me differently and I'll start to try and figure out why that is, but then I'll send those thoughts into overdrive, and suddenly I've got a mixture of absolutely everything racing through my mind. That just keeps happening - I'll think about something so have quite a few thoughts on that, then I'll start picking them apart one by one, so it's just a constant battle of opposite thoughts every hour of the day. I start to try and give myself an answer but I end up with more questions, which makes certain thoughts even more intense, and other thoughts more questionable. I can't stand it at all. I need a mental switch, I need a break from myself but at the same time I don't want one. I feel as though I'm hugely damaged and it seriously frustrates me because at the same time, I don't see it like that. It's so difficult to get my head around everything.

Former Member

Hey butterfly - I hope it's been helping to have this outlet. The things that stand out for me in your posts are your anxiety and also a lot of over-thinking and just how tired and frustrated you're feeling.

Have you ever thought about what you might be able to do to help you cope with your anxiety? I wonder if any of this sounds familiair?

You always feel slightly on edge, about everything to do with life. You worry about small things, big things, you obsess over everything you did wrong, you worry you?ll screw up again in the future. As a result, you generally lose self- confidence and stop wanting to do much - taken from TheSite article on Anxiety

There are some good tips here for coping with anxiety - things you can do yourself. I know in the past you've found talking to someone face to face difficult so you may prefer to do some of these things yourself to begin with.

it sounds like you're feeling confused and you're trying to work out how you feel about different things, including your relationship with self harm. That's a lot of pressure you're putting on yourself.

I wonder, do you have times when you feel your anxiety lifts and you're able to enjoy something? Even something small?

*hug*

Former Member

Thanks Jojo.

The majority sounds familiar. I like the idea of the 'happy diary' but I think that's something I wouldn't really feel motivated to keep up with. Self-help books have often appealed to me so I might look into getting at least one to start with.

I may have misunderstood the question but fresh air helps with anxiety in terms of lessening it. Also, looking after nephew helps because making sure he's okay and stays safe is the most important thing. It's almost as though I'm a different person when responsible for him because I could do absolutely anything if it's in his best interests. It's hard to explain.

Former Member

I want to die. I want to fuck off from all of this shit because I cannot fucking cope. So why is not as easy as that? Obviously I'm not looking for an answer to that question. Need to make an appointment to moan about my prescription and I seriously would just fucking stress. But obviously I'd just end up getting myself in a situation where I'm bound to get more annoyed. Trying to fight self harm urges just because I shouldn't cause that pain when I know I have a responsibility later but fuck, this crap is hard. And talking of responsibility, I can not be fucking bothered. Life is one big fucking drag. It's pointless, utterly pointless.

Former Member

The past twelve hours have been absolutely horrific. I feel like there's no end to what's being put on me and it's driving me mad. Yes, most situations I don't like are ones I have gotten myself into but most of the time they're taken too far and that's not something I have involvement with. I kinda just have to deal with things because I'm too invested to even try and change my mind but I cannot fucking cope. I literally cannot.

Former Member

I feel sick. It has been over twenty-four hours now. Get a fucking grip, butterfly. Everything is just so intense, the build up of stuff is so extreme. And I cannot deal with how fucking awful these stupid urges are.