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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm finding things difficult. So much is going on and I'm starting (properly) my last year of university tomorrow.
50% of the time my head is full of stuff about my dad and my family and how shit it is. I'm crying almost every night before I go to sleep, and I always feel quite close to tears.
I don't really feel depressed. In general my mental health has been alright recently. I'm still sad about everything that's going on and finding it hard to keep a lid on it.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up because it's "too hard"... but it's bloody difficult to give 100% which is what required with all this extra shit going on.
Meh.
50% of the time my head is full of stuff about my dad and my family and how shit it is. I'm crying almost every night before I go to sleep, and I always feel quite close to tears.
I don't really feel depressed. In general my mental health has been alright recently. I'm still sad about everything that's going on and finding it hard to keep a lid on it.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up because it's "too hard"... but it's bloody difficult to give 100% which is what required with all this extra shit going on.
Meh.
0
Comments
It's good to hear from you
It's good that you feel you are not depressed and your mental health is well that sounds really positive. Even when you don't feel depressed you can still feel sad about things and that's not always easy. You don't have to give a 100% and it's ok not too, you don't want to push yourself too much.
You are bound to find things hard when you are feeling like this and at times life can get on top of you when there is so much going on and so much to deal with but you are coming on the boards and talking about how you feel which is a step forward and we are here for you to talk to.
Last year at uni can be quite daunting but do you think it could be a focus for you? What are you studying by the way?
Let us know how you are and how your first week at uni goes.
purple_rain
I don't really want to talk about what I study. All I can say is that I have to give 100%, it matters.
Hey yellow,
Everything you're feeling at the moment is completely understandable - including the need to give your study 100%. I wouldn't dream of telling you not to want to do that as I'm aware how important it is and what you've come through to get to this point.
I just want to let you know that it's OK to give yourself permission to throw yourself into uni while limiting the contact you have with family issues to protect yourself and be able to manage. There is an inevitability about what's happening for you at the moment and so it might be empowering to know that finishing uni is for the most part within your hands - something you can control at a time when there's so much that you can't. Something that will make your parents proud.
It might be that you're feeling helpless with regards to your family situation? If that's the case, then don't be afraid to speak to your mum about what she feels might be the most helpful for her and your Dad in terms of support from you? For example, could it be to check in with them at a certain time in the week or to commit to some quality time with them once a month? This might not sound like much - but it's important to identify ways to manage that you feel OK with and that are realistic.
I'd echo what purple says about coming to post on the boards too - we're here for you to let difficult thoughts and feelings out as much as anything.
I've made some second guesses in my reply - so please feel free to correct me and/or clarify a bit more on your feelings at the moment - within reason, do you have a sense of what might possibly make things a bit more manageable for you at the moment?
I am absolutely desperate to try and come up with something that will change my dad's mood. I can't change that he will die, but I feel like I need to do everything in my power to make what is left, good time. He has become less irritable and is now just low, so easier to be around in the same room sort of thing, but still very difficult emotionally.
He is almost impossible to have a conversation with, he just sits in front of the television for the whole day. I've tried to be good company by asking him about what he is watching, but he has very poor concentration. For example, I'll ask him where the F1 Grand Prix he has been watching is taking place, and he won't know. Also, if he has an appointment that day he focuses all his attention on that (he left 3 hours early for an appointment). And now I'm at uni it's even harder. He hasn't shown any interest in what I'm doing, even though I've moved to a new town and am living with new people etc, so I don't speak to him about anything really.
He will not talk to any of the GPs at his surgery, and will not let my mum go to his appointments with his consultant. She went to one appointment, brought up that she thought he was depressed (which my dad hated her for), but all the consultant did was ask him if he wanted to see a psychiatrist (he said no). The doctors know he isn't really eating (a nurse just gave him a load of high calorie drinks) and know he isn't going out.
I'm at a loss of what to do next. If only it was easy as turning up and doing something with him. But I can't take him out anywhere nice, or cook him a nice meal or do anything at all with him. I can't even pick up the phone.
I want to be able to just focus on uni but it's really hard. I have this nagging guilty feeling that I have to try harder to make the situation better, as well as a "fuck you Dad why do you have to make a hard time even more difficult, why can't you still be my dad at the same time as being ill". So much of my "dad" has gone, and so every time I think about it I end up crying because I feel so much grief.
I keep trying to re-frame the situation in my head, but I can't. I had come to terms knowing that his time left is limited. But I can't come to terms with how crappy stuff is now. My dad was still my dad during all his treatment and his chemo. He was still my dad at Easter. But then I came home at summer and things had completely changed. The chemo hadn't worked as hoped, but the bigger change was in his personality and his mood and I really do not recognise him as my dad anymore. And I guess that because his low mood could potentially be treatable, I find it harder to deal with. The idea that things *could* be quite different. We might get the person we knew back, my mum's life might not be so miserable, we might make new good memories.
Maybe I need to let that idea go that could / would happen. I'm just not sure. What a ramble.
I've been meaning to reply again for a while and I'm sorry it hasn't been sooner.
You've expressed your grief really articulately and so there's absolutely no doubt in my mind about the kind of pain your experiencing. These situations often become harder than we ever imagine they would be and the frustration that occurs when there just really aren't answers can be all consuming. As you say, there isn't really a way to re-frame - it's just shit. And why can't other people really know how shit it is too and just be a bit more understanding, helpful and kind?
And even though we can sometimes see glimpses of hope in the days that aren't so bad, we know deep down that we could just be hanging on - and the truly good times we had with that person might just be in the past.
However, the person is still here and we still love them and want them to feel loved. Realising part of the responsibility for that falls with us, while having to watch them in so much pain, is as you've described, so very hard.
How would you feel about talking to someone at Macmillan about this feeling you're having about your Dad's low mood? They may be able to help you get some perspective on it from a medical point of view? I know you're probably pretty clued up yourself, but being on the receiving end of support unique to your situation might be worth a shot.
I know they have a chat room if you wanted to dip your toes in the water online, but you could also look into speaking to someone face-to-face.
The chat is on most week nights:
http://community.macmillan.org.uk/p/communitychat.aspx
Aside from perhaps getting some advice and support around tactics for mood boosting and whether or not there are ways you haven't tried that could help, it's also really important to try to understand why you're putting so much pressure on yourself.
If we think genuinely and honestly about some of the limitations we have as people to truly influence the behaviour of our friends and family, then it might be possible to be kinder to ourselves about our actions. If you're doing all you know how to try and support your Dad, then you really are giving your best and no-one, not even you, can expect more. With the way things are now and the effort your going to - I can't see how you should have any reason to regret your actions or think 'why didn't I do x or why wasn't I there for z' you're thinking really hard about it, you're making the effort to see him and be there and I think you should recognise that's actually way more than lots of people can handle - even adults much older than you. Your approach is really very selfless.
So, among all of this, if you can allow yourself the required time for uni, knowing that you haven't rejected your Dad or given up or stopped caring, then perhaps your Dad can know he did his job as a parent when he was well - he raised a daughter who has ambition, a great work ethic and a goal to help others who need care in the future. And if you allow yourself that, then you know that your future when all this is over, will be a little bit brighter.
*hug* *hug* *hug*
Thank you so much for replying Helen. It means so much, especially as from what you've said it feels like you really 'get' it. Your reply makes me tear up because of how spot on it is. And all the times I've read it, which is why I haven't actually got to adding another post until now!
Things have been a bit better - I'm ultra busy and then just worn out the rest of the time so I've buried a lot of it. I do still really struggle when faced with similar situations at work, but I'm coping. I'm going home in a couple of weeks for the weekend and a bit nervous about that! Thanks for the link to macmillan chat - I hadn't really looked into it before, and know that I couldn't talk to someone on the phone as I turn into a blubbering mess. Will definitely give it a go.
I still feel guilty. At the start of the summer, my dad was moody and was often unfair and rude to my mum. I know at the time I really, really tried, but it was unbearable for me. And I told him what I thought. I feel guilty in case I triggered this off... because maybe it was because of me that he has become so withdrawn. I also said that I didn't want to know every minute detail of his medical treatment. It sounds harsh, but I didn't really have the energy to deal with it. Of course I wanted a clear, truthful guide of the overall picture, but not day to day updates on blood test results, blood pressure readings etc. Again, maybe I gave off the impression that I didn't care?
We still haven't spoken since I've moved out over 3 weeks ago. I have always replied to his texts / answered his calls and so I just hope that he knows that I'd reply if he ever opened up communication again properly. I hope that he at least enjoys (OK enjoys is probably a bit of a strong word for him in his current state but whatever) hearing about what I'm up to through my mum.
Also, it sound stupid but I'm dreading December. My birthday falls in that month, and of course Christmas too. I just have "last" buzzing around in my head. I would obviously like to make it special, and I think that's a normal reaction to 1) the time of year and 2) the fact that I'm acutely aware of limited time left etc but it is just impossible with things as they are at the moment. I'm telling myself that whilst I may not be able to make it 'special' for my dad, I can try and make it as bearable as possible. So actually this involves everything being low key and the hardest part which is trying to not let the situation get to me. I can also try and make it easier for my mum. So that's my focus. I've already planned a pre-xmas outing for her and other members of our family.
That got rather rambly again towards the end, and I've been in floods of tears and am all snotty. So back to burying it all again I think
I'm in the middle of swinging onto night shift - so incapable of anything coherent but wanted to day you're doi g brilliantly, and Helen is spot on as ever.
Xx
I went home last Thursday until yesterday because my dad had had a fall. He also had his hospital appointment where they found out that his treatment isn't really keeping things under control.
He can't really walk. Can't really hold a conversation. Groans in pain. It's heartbreaking to see him deteriorate like this.
I'm now back at uni, and I haven't managed to go in today. I'm finding it so hard being this far away, knowing that the next time I see him he'll probably be even worse.
It's completely understandable that you didn't go in today - taking time out to cope with what's going on is really necessary and as you're probably finding, without giving yourself a break to stop and take stock of what's going on, concentration is impossible.
It's also really tough news to absorb and I'm wondering if you have any tutors you can speak to about this - as in just to let them know where things have got to so you can be excused when necessary?
I know that posting is hard and often leaves you in floods, but I get the sense that having somewhere you know you can post without repercussion is really healthy - so do please keep doing so as you feel will help.
Biggest hugs
Taking some time out for yourself is really important, as is trying to keep some semblance of normality. It sounds like you're doing really well on both fronts at the moment. I'd suggest giving uni a go today if you think you can, that way things will stay reasonably in balance and the change of scenery and something else to put your mind into might be helpful.
Again, like Helen said, if you can - make sure someone at uni knows what's going on. If you don't want to talk to them face to face then an email would be a fine starting point.
Being a long way away must be hard, but try to remember that you're in your normal place. Your parents have brought up a brilliantly talented, independent young woman who I'm sure they're very proud of. You studying at uni is a direct result of your brilliance - so try not to feel like you're in the wrong place when you're at uni rather than at your mum and dads. Both are your home at the moment.
Massive hugs.
Xx
I saw the GP about something unrelated yesterday, mentioned being stressed out and all of this came out. She said about time out but I'm not quite at that point yet. As much as I could do with it I 1) want to keep busy 2) not defer a year 3) want to 'save' time out for nearer the end.
I contacted a tutor by email. They weren't too helpful. Just like 'sorry to hear that, you sound like you're doing well though'. I have no idea how much time off I'm allowed as a maximum... I think it's one of those things that they won't actually tell me.
I'm going in to uni today for an exam and teaching, so slightly easier to face than the day job. Hoping I can concentrate. I've moaned about poor concentration before, but this really is something else!