If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Aimed (mainly) toward guys: jealousy in a relationship?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
A lot of the time jealousy is seen as a bad feature of a relationship. But, personally, I think to a certain point jealousy is healthy as it shows how much you care about your partner. It's one of those uncontrollable reactions that reminds you how much you love them. Likewise for the opposite way around - it's nice to know that feeling's reciprocated.
What do people think? Guys in particular - I think it's fair to say jealousy is a little different for either gender (not more or less, just different). All opinions appreciated, though.
What do people think? Guys in particular - I think it's fair to say jealousy is a little different for either gender (not more or less, just different). All opinions appreciated, though.
0
Comments
Notice I said: to a certain point.
Jealousy for me is setting yourself on fire and then feeling loved when your partner douses you. You feel an "up", but only because you let yourself be down before.
Yes, it is possible to feel jealous whilst also trusting that person not to do anything. And yes, everyone feels jealous about something sometimes, we're all human. But it isn't a positive emotion, it doesn't show your love for someone.
Jealousy is a very common feeling. At it's worst it can do great damage to a person and their relationship. But at the other end of the spectrum, it can be a cute, harmless thing that you share. I think most (all?) "negative emotions" have a "positive" flipside if you can use it (which doesn't mean they're not painful too).
Consider for example that your partner is spending a lot of time working closely with an attractive person of the sex they are attracted to. Many people would find this difficult in some way. This could be the case even if you're certain that your partner would never do anything wrong, i.e. you trust them completely. This may be partly because there are a lot of grey areas monogamy - I think we tend to accept at some level that we can be attracted to people other than our partner.
If this was hurting you all the time, or you made unreasonable demands of your partner because of it, then it could be very damaging. But if your reaction was light-hearted, your partner might well take it as flattering, assure you where their real feelings are, and you'd both feel a little bit closer.
A recent study showed that partners were more likely to be jealous of their partner's friends if they:
(a) considered their romantic relationships more important to their lives, (b) were less close to their own friends, and (c) perceived their partner was less committed to the relationship.
I think those things might hold in general, so jealousy is a mixture of how you feel about your partner (you'd be less likely to be jealous of your casual date seeing someone else), how you feel about yourself, and how you think they feel about you. So those little bits, dealt with in certain ways, can also provide a good opportunity to establish how you each feel about each other.
This is what I was getting at.
Everyone feels jealous sometimes, we're human, and having enough insight to recognise the feeling is important. Everyone feels jealous now and then and jealousy doesn't mean you have to lock your partner up in the shed to stop them seeing anyone but you.
Sometimes if your partner is jealous it can make you feel wanted, too.
But really jealousy is not about your partner, it's about you. It's about not feeling good enough. As you say, jealousy is more common where you're insecure or frightened. I don't see how a bit of jealousy can be seen as "healthy" in a relationship, because it's the opposite of trust and security. But there are more positive ways of dealing with it- being honest about the feeling, exposing your insecurity to them, will not damage your relationship in the slightest.
Everyone feels it sometimes.