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Making myself sick

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm making myself sick about 3 times a week.

I eat a reduced number of calories because I'm trying to lose weight, because I'm massively obese. If I eat something I'm not meant to, or eat more calories than I should then I make myself sick.

I guess I'm looking for any practical advice on how to stop. I guess it's two things - stopping making myself sick and stopping myself eating too much in the first place.

Comments

  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    Hey there, YellowSeaHorse,

    How are you? :) - You've taken an amazing step by reaching out to people on here, but realizing their is an issue with 'making yourself sick' is a positive, and a great motivation to reach out to further support, have you spoken to anyone in your care team about the purging? Or even someone you trust, like a close friend, can also help, for example when needing someone to go to the GP with, etc.

    I know it's daunting, even thinking about opening up to someone about purging, but you deserve the support, what's your relationship like with your GP? :) Also, B-Eat have a helpline, or people you can contact if you needed support, or someone to talk to. There is often an underlying cause to it, in comparison to 'just wanting to loose weight.'

    Do you even do things to keep active, like sports wise? Cycling, running etc?

    You deserve support, just as much as anyone else, though, look after yourself :heart:

    Best wishes,
    WhispersOfTheHeart
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not sure I'll bother telling my GP / care team, I haven't seen anyone since before Christmas anyway.

    I don't really know why I do it. I know it won't help me lose weight. It's more of an impulsive thing when I feel full.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel quite depressed at the moment, so don't exercise as much as previously. Probably at least twice a week though. But I'm eating less calories to help compensate.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yellow,

    You are not massively obese. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I know you won't believe me, because I'm told similar things and the numbers on the scale make me feel shitty.

    I know we're both trying to lose weight, and I'll do my best to try and talk about it more with you because I think that will help.

    Let's both make a promise to go to the gym on Sunday, for a start?

    Loves you lots xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks. Its only a really recent problem.

    It's not so much about my weight. I'm finding it difficult to explain. But I control how much food I eat all the time, I calorie count everything. And that takes a bit of work. And then it's when I think "screw that" and eat something else or something more... so essentially a lapse of control or an impulsion to go and eat something then making myself sick means I can forget about it and not feel bad about it anymore. I don't knowww :chin:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm scared to go and get help for it because I know people won't believe how hard I'm trying to lose weight. If I say that I'm making myself sick they're going to think I'm binging loads and that's why I'm so disgusting. I don't really "binge" I don't think. It's more if for example, last night I had pizza instead of something healthier. Or if I've had a dessert.

    People are always like "eat less, exercise more". OK I could work on the exercising bit more, but I am eating a lot less. I'm not going to use numbers on here, because that isn't wise, but I have a daily calorie deficit which I would never be able to match with exercise. And actually when I exercise I tend to eat a few more calories so the deficit isn't TOO large because I know that would be stupid.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Yellow

    I am sorry you are struggling with this so much at the moment. I am really glad however; that you've opened up here and that you have a space where you can be open about things and talk to people - it sure can help.

    You definitely are NOT obese at all - I agree totally with Franki. You're perfect the way you are. As someone who struggles so much with food and weight etc, I kinda understand where you are coming from and I defo understand what you mean in regards to impulsive behaviours. It's really hard, and the more you pay attention to it/are aware of things, the more you can get trapped in a really horrible situation. (i'm sorry if this isn't making sense)

    Counting calories can always be a dangerous idea, for anyone, as numbers and amounts and stuff can take control, and control can spiral out of our hands and that's when things get really sticky and messy. The best thing you can do is eat healthily and exercise in moderation. The best diet is a balanced diet. There is nothing in life you should say NO to - everything is absolutely allowed and okay to eat/drink - again, it's all about being in moderation. If you really do have an issue with your weight being over what you would like it to be for any reason, and your GP or nurse or anyone agrees, then there sure are ways that you can look at this in a healthy way, from a positive perspective. There are so many 'healthy life' programmes and stuff out there, and speaking to a practise nurse or GP can help you forward??

    It's easy for me to sit here and say 'don't be scared to go and get help' - I totally get that it could sound silly. But honestly, please try and not worry too much about asking for help, reaching out for support. People are not there to judge you or push you away because they 'don't believe you' or anything. Most health professionals (GP's etc) have a lot of experience in eating disorder behaviours etc and so they will just want to help you. I don't feel like the people that support me jump to any conclusions, they know every individual is different. You are NOT disgusting - you're beautiful. Truth.

    In terms of helpful ways to stop the purging, I have tried many things. Some work more than others. What I have found though, is that techniques work a lot more in your favour if you want them to. I think (for me anyway) a person has to really want it to stop otherwise it is much more difficult. I tried putting nail biting solution on my nails to stop me putting my hands near my mouth (didn't work I got used to the taste, although it's really grim) I tried setting myself a specific task or activity that I would engage with after food, to stop myself going near the bathroom. This was SO hard and it takes a lot of self motivation. When i've spent time in the eating disorders inpatients clinics, as soon as we had finished eating, we had to go into 'supervision' time which is where we could reflect on how we were feeling and talk about it as a group (I found this so hard as I couldn't move about or go to the toilet etc) - but it got easier ish as the time went on as you train your body to not automatically want to go and be sick. I also tried rewarding myself with stickers etc or a tune from itunes if I didn't purge. (it got silly but it's whatever helps).

    I'm sorry I can't really give you many ideas and this has just been a huge massive messy ramble of a reply, I guess I want to help and support you, but as i'm struggling loads and haven't really found the answers, it's tricky! But, I do know you and I believe in you so much and I know that you can get through this. You are a beautiful, lovely, talented young lady who has her whole life ahead of her - you will do it!! Proud of you missy <3 Big Hugs <3

    Rach xxxxxxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for such a lovely reply Rach.

    I don't really think I have a problem at the moment which is why it seems a bit silly getting so worked up about it, but I don't want it to become one. When I self-harmed, it took me a good 7 years to get to a point where it was no longer a "big issue". For the past 4 years or so its still been a problem but I've been happy at how I've managed it. I don't want this to turn into that version 2.

    I think I am scared about admitting I'm feeling worse about a lot of things just because I don't think I have the support in place. I prefer the feeling of struggling on my own with the "idea" that I could go and get further help - then trying to get help and realising that I am on my own. If that makes any sense.

    I haven't had any contact with the mental health team since the middle of December. I went in 2 weeks ago and kicked up a tiny bit of a fuss (hopefully in a polite, considerate way), and also called the home treatment team last weekend and they said they'd get it sorted. But still nothing for the whole of this past week. I know that seeing a GP is an option but mine is away until the end of March and it would mean seeing someone completely new who doesn't know my background at all and I just can't see (rightly or wrongly) what good that would do.

    I don't want to go back on anti-depressants. And I became more depressed around the time I came off them so I know that as soon as I talk to anyone around that will be something they suggest. Maybe I'm being stubborn, but I felt so good when I first came off them, and I'm hoping that if this period lifts I'll go back to feeling like that.

    I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone at uni about any of this. It hasn't helped in the past. I've been made to feel (again probably my interpretation) that they resent me for not being more resilient. And they're always like "well what do you want us to do?". Which is really hard to answer. I just want their support. To feel like they care and that they still believe in me despite my difficulties. And as I've already said, friends are just not an option. I guess I also resent them for not noticing something is wrong. I used to sit with my housemates all the time but now I spend all my time in my room. And actually screw that, I TOLD them something was wrong and it still didn't hit them.

    I shouldn't expect for people to give a crap. Everyone else has their own lives to deal with. I know the world doesn't work this way, but if I knew a friend (especially one of my housemates) was feeling this low, I'd do everything I could to make them feel better. But it's different with me. If everyone's lives were made up of puzzle pieces with connections and friends, well I wouldn't fit into any of theirs. If I was missing their lives wouldn't be different, they'd still have the whole picture.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey, sorry I'm only just replying, I've wanted tot give it time.

    It's not silly for getting worked up about at all lovely. It's important to you and important to us. I think the fact you've noticed things early on will help as you've got plenty of time and people to look at ways in which you can prevent it becoming a problem. With your self harm, it may have taken 7 years to get to a place where it's not a "big issue" but You've still gotten so far so well done for that and it's really great to know you are happy with managing it well, sounds like you really persevere in order to get to a more positive place.

    Please try not to be scared about admitting anything. Admitting things don't make you weak, or defeated, in fact rather the opposite - strong and determined. You have a lot to cope with in life and not having the support in place which you need and deserve will make things tricky unfortunately :-( it does make total sense to me, i find for me that knowing that there is support that I could get, it's a sense of security whereas if i have support and was told no etc, I'd break down even more! now im not making sense sorry.

    It sounds to me like the lack of support from the mental health team is having a negative effect on your mental health. Which is totally understandable and I'm sorry they're being rubbish :-( hugssss! Unfortunately, sometimes the only way to get anywhere in life is to kick up a fuss. I can't for one minute think you would ever not be polite or considerate, you're super lovely and well mannered. The fact they've still not sorted anything and the home treatment team isn't being helpful, means you really are being let down by medical professionals and after time, I know for me that I started to lose trust in them but please try not to give up with them, especially don't give up on yourself, you've worked too hard so far to throw it away. I know how it is when your own GP is away for whatever reason - it's such a pain in the ass. I say DRs shouldn't get breaks as it is far too inconvenient!! No other GP will see me so it's not even me being fussy. Although I would be fussy as like you said, they don't know you. However; yellow I have found that this could be a good thing as you could get a different opinion about stuff and that helped me once. So are you left with no help or support what so ever until the end of March??

    If you don't want to go back onto anti depressants then you totally don't have to at all. You are an adult and able to make clear, sensible decisions and they should respect that. Anti depressants aren't always what someone needs and for some people they work wonders, for others they don't. I don't think you are being stubborn at all. And if you are (and I can't see it cause I'm stubborn myself lol) then it's okay. Sometimes A bit of stubbornness is needed to get our point across.

    Uni don't sound very supportive at all :-\ sorry! Even if it is your interpretation, they're still making you feel resented which is unfair. I HATE the question "what do you want us to do" or "what do you think we can do to help" - it's like if I knew that I wouldn't be here would I you fruit cakes. I know you say it's really hard to answer that question but I think you just did answer it very well. Simple but Fair and what you need - to feel like They care and believe in you - it's defo not too much to ask. Could you maybe have that bit off your message down where you've explained to me what it is you would like? That way you don't have to think about it when you get there.

    Friends are a tricky one in situations like this as we sometimes need peoplr who are not involved in stuff so we can hang out and have some normality in life, away from lived crappyness. sorry your housemates aren't being kind to you. It may feel even worse as yiu feel down anyway and I know I get more sensitive with everything and everyone. I don't know what's cracking with your housemates, but what I do know is that this situation isn't forever and things can definitely get better. you have so many opportunities to go forward in life and I can't wait to see you shine!

    Yellow, you don't expect people to give a crap but I know that we all would like to think people care. We spend a lot of time caring about others, don't forget about yourself!! Number 1!! Oi missy, you were defo a missing piece to my puzzle and I am SO glad I found you.

    Sorry for a huge essay in reply and I hope it makes at least a little sense. Take care xxx

    Sent from my HUAWEI Y300-0100 using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've managed to put on 3kg since SUNDAY morning. How is that even possible. Went for a meal out on Sunday night but apart from that been eating low calorie diet. Want to destroy myself really badly. I should have just gone all out on Saturday and took a decent amount of pills. Fucking hell.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's called water.........
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's a lot of water...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you ever emptied your bladder into a bucket? You can wee at least a litre easily in a normal bathroom trip.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So? Your body always has water in. And I very much doubt I've got 3.5l more fluid in my body since Sunday.

    It's besides the fucking point anyway.

    I'm still disgusting.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So? Your body always has water in. And I very much doubt I've got 3.5l more fluid in my body since Sunday.

    It's besides the fucking point anyway.

    I'm still disgusting.

    You really are not disgusting lovely. Not at all. So many factors influence a fluctuation in weight including water, time of weigh in, clothing worn, liquid intake, bloating (gas build up), constipation, scales (home scales are never accurate and are always out a bit, level of the floor, all kinds of things. Even if you have put that on, it won't stay on. They say if you're putting on or loosing 4lb or more in a week then it isn't accurate at won't be maintained so you will no doubt lose it just as quick too. Please please try not to focus on the number on the scales. Life is more than this I promise. You are beautiful and healthy. The more you start to focus on weight and numbers the more it becomes a problem. I know that 9 times out of 10 it goes from you controlling numbers to numbers controlling you. Size and shape etc don't matter. If you are healthy then that's what Counts. The inside. I'm here for you and love you loads xxxx

    Sent from my HUAWEI Y300-0100 using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You are very definitely not disgusting, far from it. Water swings weight pretty rapidly and you know as well as I do that ,ensuring over that kind of time frame is not a constructive exercise.

    It sounds like I'm general you're being very sensible about it all. Would looking at the calorie counting over the week help? Try and balance out the treats with exercise rather than feeling the need to make yourself sick? Trade it for sit ups that way you still keep the control?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You are very definitely not disgusting, far from it. Water swings weight pretty rapidly and you know as well as I do that ,ensuring over that kind of time frame is not a constructive exercise.

    It sounds like I'm general you're being very sensible about it all. Would looking at the calorie counting over the week help? Try and balance out the treats with exercise rather than feeling the need to make yourself sick? Trade it for sit ups that way you still keep the control?

    I calorie count every day and allow myself a bit more if I've exercised / planning to exercise.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So can you balance the odd occasions you've had extra with one of the other days in the week? You're in control that way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think that you are a clever person and you know enough about mental health to know that the way you are feeling and acting is not healthy and that it will start you down a very slippery slope that won't lead to a happy ending. i also think that when you (not you personally) are trying to work through difficult things it is easy to pick the 'abnormal' way of coping, whether that's a conscious choice or not. if you were totally fine and happy you would probably just go on a diet, but because you are not happy and you are worrying about lots of things, you are seeing the being sick/restricting option as a more viable one. i suspect that is partly because you know more than most people about that side of things, from the online circles you mix in and from your course, and because you've harmed yourself before and you can't do that anymore so this seems a fair replacement that people won't notice.

    except they will notice. they'll notice when you smell of sick because it got in your hair, and when your teeth are falling out and when your electrolytes are so imbalanced that you can't stand up. they'll notice when your hair falls out and your skin looks like shit and you have all kinds of embarrassing digestive problems. they'll notice when you die. because even if it's only an occasional thing now, the thing with eating disorders is that they start with something you think you are in control of, that is just a temporary measure or a quick fix, and before you know where you are you're ten years down the line, probably barren and having missed out on a whole chunk of your life that was taken up by calorie counting and avoiding any social situation involving food. i could give you a million and one things that eating disorders take away from you and they give you fuck all back in return.

    i think you know that you have the power and the choice to decide whether or not you want to stop this while you still can. in terms of practical advice, think of the kinds of things you do to stop yourself self harming, because this is basically just another form of it. you are a medic, you know that dieting and exercising take time to have an effect. you need to give it time and try to sit with the feelings instead of acting on them. because acting on them will get you into a whole new mess that you just don't need.

    :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

    I think the trouble is that to some people calorie counting is seen as eating disorder sort of behaviour, but to whole load of other people it's seen as a sensible dieting option. And that's what I'm doing. I'm not eating below what I should be - I'm eating the correct amount for my activity level and for weight loss - and I do need to lose weight. But I'm not and that's frustrating and adds to my feelings of little self-worth.

    I'm not making myself sick to lose weight, I know that's not how it works. I am probably doing it instead of self-harming. And to be honest, I'm putting all my energy into not going out and killing myself so I don't know how much fight I've got left in me. I'm already under the CMHT - but that means fuck all right now. It seems to me that people think I've chosen to be this way and do this. Really?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    I think the trouble is that to some people calorie counting is seen as eating disorder sort of behaviour, but to whole load of other people it's seen as a sensible dieting option. And that's what I'm doing. I'm not eating below what I should be - I'm eating the correct amount for my activity level and for weight loss - and I do need to lose weight. But I'm not and that's frustrating and adds to my feelings of little self-worth.

    if you keep an eye on your calories because you are on a diet but have the odd day off or treat then that's a sensible dieting option. if you eat a generally healthy diet and don't cry over eating a cake tehn that's normal.

    if you count calories to an obsessional degree, get upset when you go slightly off your plan and throw up anything 'extra' then that is not normal. the difference is when it starts to become damaging to your health and when you become so preoccupied with your "diet" that it takes priority over everything else. i think you are on the way to that state, even if you are not there yet.

    It seems to me that people think I've chosen to be this way and do this. Really?

    why do you think that, and which people are you referring to?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It doesn't matter.

    And I've not made myself sick since I made this post.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't really have any useful advice as I have issues with food too, but I just wanted to send you hugs and remind you that you're beautiful :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Congratulations.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was just wondering if anyone had ever been given any professional advice regarding dental care?

    I've read contradicting advice about whether to brush your teeth afterwards, or to wait.

    I've only done it once since posting in this thread (so a lot less than before, so I guess that's good) but I can really feel that the back of my bottom front teeth are painfully sensitive to cold etc now.
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    You can harm the enamel on your teeth if you brush straight after purging as the enamel is weak and sensitive at the time, it's best to just wait, and rinse your mouth out a few times with warm water!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rinse with mouthwash, then give it at least half an hour before brushing if you want to be text book. Same as the advice for brushing after eating.
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