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How do I support her?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
my wife is going through some very rough times. its hard for me to understand and hard for me to deal with. Im looking for some ways to support her during these times. she has recently (about a month and a half ago) been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and now she's taking some medicine for it. setrelene or something like that. she says it is making the highs and lows even out a bit, but she has recently fallen back into self harm. she almost refuses to talk to a therapist about it. Im trying to be there for her, but knowing the right things to say and ask are hard since I havnt dealt with anything like this before. any help?
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Hi there,
It sounds like you and your wife are experiencing some difficult times. We understand how hard it can be to cope! It is great that you were willing to reach out to us and address your concerns on the behalf of your loved one. You say she has fallen back into self harm and that she refuses to talk to a therapist? This is not an unusual circumstance as old habits are easy to fall back into. However, self harm is not the healthiest way to deal with troubling emotions. Try asking your wife about it without sounding intrusive or judgmental. You don’t have to be her therapist; just be a good listener. Check out this article for some tips on how to support someone who self-harms.
Self harm and depression affects everyone. If you need more support call SANE on Tel: 0845 767 8000.
I hope this helps! If you have any more questions please do ask.
And remember to look after yourself. It's no good for either of you if you can't cope either.
Just let her know that you're there for her and she can talk to you if she wants.
This gives some information and some do's and don't's.
I know I cant force her to get help, but its pretty obvious she needs it. she is too stubborn to accept any and uses a litany of excuses as to why she cant/wont. Again, I know I dont want to force her, but Im worried things are going to get a little more serious than just the instant gratification of self harm.
She is pretty smart though, too smart. she knows about the same if not more about the subject and more about mental health than most professionals. she could easily have a professional diagnose her with turrets (sp?) over a diagnoses of anxiety/manic depression.
is there anyway to have some sort of intervention for a better lack of words, not with the family but just myself. is there anyway to present her with the idea of wanting to get help.
She wants to stop feeling anxious, and she hates being paniced and up and down, but she doesnt want to take that step into therapy or professional help. Its like if she does then it becomes very real as opposed to just a problem she can fix on her own.
I dont know if Im making sense, but part of this whole forum is to get the help i need and talk about it. so if i sound like an idiot, your just gonna have to bear with me (haha) and point me in a good direction.
Again, thanks for all your help.
For me, having a supportive partner makes me more likely to value myself and therefore seek and use the help that's available. Does that make sense?
Im pretty confused here, trying to get all the information and everyone's perspective
Most of the time, I just wanted a hug and to discuss other things.
Yes, try to be proactive. The only way to find out how far your wife will allow that is trial and error. In my experience, walking on eggshells (whilst it may seem to avoid arguments) actually prolongs problems so try to be open about things. If her behaviour is causing you problems, even if you can understand where it's coming from, be honest about that.
You might find that it's difficult to go with her into a therapy session unless there are things she wants to say to you. Therapy relies on the therapist-patient dynamic and if that is disrupted it can be quite damaging. Maybe just offer to go with her to the waiting room. On occasion I've had friends who've done that when I've been dreading a session for whatever reason and it's really empowering to know someone cares like that.
And, as Melian says, if all she wants you for is a cuddle and someone to watch shit TV with and tell jokes to, that's ok.
How do I mix the right amount of honesty and bullishness with sympathy and understanding without making her feel like she cant come to me; without making her feeling like Im judging her? Melian is right on the money with that, the judgement thing is something I want to and have been trying to stay away from.
Up to this point its been a lot of one way communication, she will tell me things, I will listen, but if I ask a question its a 50/50 shot on whether or not she responds. Im ok with that, because i know listening helps. But I have put my feelings on the back burner for a while and I dont think that is productive for our relationship. Like I said, I want to tell her how her actions are affecting me, but I dont want to be selfish and overbearing about it. I dont know if there is anyway to break the ice with this sort of situation.
In one way, I think this is really difficult. Because you need to tell her how you feel, but at the same time, don't want it to come across as "this is all your fault".
It is really difficult. I think the best thing is for you to say, gently, after a specific incident or whatever, "can we talk about what just happened?" and deal with things specifically.
Reassure her that you're not going to leave, as much as you can, but remember that you can't cure irrational fears.
:yes:
:yes: However, be prepared for her to refuse to discuss this. I did. Along with "I have no idea what you're talking about" - because to this day, I still don't remember doing what I supposedly did.
Definitely. And choose the moment carefully. I remember a blazing row with my ex - nothing to do with my emotional problems, just one of those things - and she turned to me at the end and said, "You're being unreasonable, you should go to your doctor" and that was one of the last times we argued without breaking up...
So, pick your moment. The next day or something, and as Melian says you might have to be prepared that she didn't realise it was unreasonable or doesn't remember much.