If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Why must an ex make things so complicated?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me at the beginning of February. We lived together, sharing with 2 other housemates. She moved my stuff into the tiny box room whilst she kept 'our' room for herself.
We went through a period of talking a lot about our feelings, and she kept repeating 'I just keep thinking it through and coming to the conclusion that I definitely made the right decision'.
After about 2 weeks of her still being in the house, she told me she still had feelings for me and that she'd like to try again, see how things went. She then went back home (about 2 hours away) for a week - or so she thought.
She ended up finding a job up there, and decided to move her life back home. So at the end of February she came back to our house, went out for dinner with me and talked about how I need to move on and find someone else, because she was trying to as well. She told me that when she said she'd like to try again she was ill, and therefore she was 'feeling vulnerable' and she didn't mean it. The next day she moved most of her stuff out of the house, leaving just a few things, and gave me the key to 'our' room, saying she didn't need a big room if she'd only be visiting a few times, and that I 'deserved' the big room.
In mid-March I wrote her a letter, apologising for the things that had gone wrong in our relationship, but pointing out how things have changed by virtue of her moving out and going back home, so if we tried again it would be a different kind of relationship because the circumstances would be completely different. She said she'd think about it, and about a week later she said that she'd go on a date with me, after my exams, but until then 'I'm single so you mustn't expect me not to act like it'.
About a week later she was treating me weirdly, being really arrogant and talking to me like I was dirt, and I told her so. She told me that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore, that I'm firmly in the friends category, that it sounded to her like I hadn't accepted that we'd broken up and thought we were on some massive break, but that I had to accept that we were finished - and that she'd only agreed to go on a date with me because she was 'curious'.
Anyway, about a week later, she decided she'd come down to visit at the end of April for the bank holiday weekend - and told me she was really looking forward to seeing me, that she'd been thinking about me. I asked her what she meant and she told me that she misses me, but she thinks she's still angry at the way she treated me, and she doesn't know if she still has feelings for me but she wants to see how she feels when she sees me in person.
I don't actually know if she's just messing me around, or if she's serious - and what to do in either circumstance!
We went through a period of talking a lot about our feelings, and she kept repeating 'I just keep thinking it through and coming to the conclusion that I definitely made the right decision'.
After about 2 weeks of her still being in the house, she told me she still had feelings for me and that she'd like to try again, see how things went. She then went back home (about 2 hours away) for a week - or so she thought.
She ended up finding a job up there, and decided to move her life back home. So at the end of February she came back to our house, went out for dinner with me and talked about how I need to move on and find someone else, because she was trying to as well. She told me that when she said she'd like to try again she was ill, and therefore she was 'feeling vulnerable' and she didn't mean it. The next day she moved most of her stuff out of the house, leaving just a few things, and gave me the key to 'our' room, saying she didn't need a big room if she'd only be visiting a few times, and that I 'deserved' the big room.
In mid-March I wrote her a letter, apologising for the things that had gone wrong in our relationship, but pointing out how things have changed by virtue of her moving out and going back home, so if we tried again it would be a different kind of relationship because the circumstances would be completely different. She said she'd think about it, and about a week later she said that she'd go on a date with me, after my exams, but until then 'I'm single so you mustn't expect me not to act like it'.
About a week later she was treating me weirdly, being really arrogant and talking to me like I was dirt, and I told her so. She told me that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore, that I'm firmly in the friends category, that it sounded to her like I hadn't accepted that we'd broken up and thought we were on some massive break, but that I had to accept that we were finished - and that she'd only agreed to go on a date with me because she was 'curious'.
Anyway, about a week later, she decided she'd come down to visit at the end of April for the bank holiday weekend - and told me she was really looking forward to seeing me, that she'd been thinking about me. I asked her what she meant and she told me that she misses me, but she thinks she's still angry at the way she treated me, and she doesn't know if she still has feelings for me but she wants to see how she feels when she sees me in person.
I don't actually know if she's just messing me around, or if she's serious - and what to do in either circumstance!
0
Comments
I don't know either of you, I don't know your relationship, but my gut feeling would be that this won't resolve itself in the short term. She seemed pretty clear about her feelings having changed and she took a decent period of time to question herself over that. Since being back home she is bound to have had some residual feelings come back, and she will question once again whether she has done the right thing. She will miss you, that's natural. That doesn't mean that she will come back to you. She might, but the likelihood is that the reasons for her walking away in the first place are still very much there. Unless her being homesick had anything to do with anything of course.
I would suggest you try to think of this as being over and work on accepting the realities of that. That will not stop you from changing tack if she demonstrates serious commitment towards being back together. However, it just might help you to move out of the limbo that you are currently in.
When I wrote the letter, I had no expectations, and when she said she'd like to go on a date, I was elated - so to have her come back and tell me that actually, she didn't mean it like that, was extremely hurtful. So from that I actually felt like I was beginning to move on - the frustration of her telling me that she's been thinking about me and wondering about how she feels at me is a huge wedge in the process of me successfully moving on.
She's not coming to see me per se - she's coming because she wanted to come down to visit me and everyone else in the house, and she had some free time. I suggested this particular weekend because there's a beer festival on locally, which she particularly enjoyed last year, and it'll give the weekend a focus other than seeing me and 'having a serious talk', which is what she says she wants to do as well.
No, you can take one big step up to the end of it all right now, and tell her you don't want her to come visit you, because you are through. She now knows she can turn you on and off at will, and she will keep doing this and you shouldn't be a part of this.
What I do resent is the implication in what she says that she's going to decide whether she wants to take me back - I think the reality should be we decide whether or not to get back together, and she certainly had a lot of flaws that contributed to our demise.
Good luck.
Well, apparently you understand the implications of this situation, now you should act it too. Because not even if she comes back and decides to give it another try, you should bow to her decision, because you are an old story as soon someone else comes around. Doesn't have to be hot or rich, just someone "new". Don't be a tool, broski.
'All I can tell you, in absolute truth and honesty is that I'm going out on nights out and no one is good enough, I'm not interested'
How does a girl go from 60 to zero in no seconds flat?
If she sincerely comes back to you, work on a strategy then. For now, she doesn't seem to be worth the energy.
If you just keep on giving and giving and let her get away with anything she will learn to have the best of two worlds. Be single when she wants to and have you back by the snap of her fingers. Being a doormat is never a good idea in any kind of interhuman relationship. You will mostly get taken advantage of. And if you don't set her a sign that you are not up to her bullshit, she will keep it up, why wouldn't she?
Do you honestly think she takes you back because she loves you? I mean she openly ADMITS she is going back to you because she can't find someone else right this moment. Are you that desperate to have such a person back in your life? Isn't it blatantly obvious you are just a inbetween solution?
Thoughts?
Thoughts?
Well, it doesn't matter. I am a firm believer that every person has to make it's own mistakes in life. Everyone has to touch the hot iron once in their life before believing their mum not to touch it. So do whatever you think is right and chalk it up as experience afterwards.