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Can't cope
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi there,
I've been brought up believing that being gay is wrong, disgusting and weak. I've bullied folk for being gay and been arrested several times for homophoic related behaviour.
I've tried forcing myself to like girls, but i just can't seem to like them. I think I might be one of them and it's really getting me down. My childhood wasn't the easiest. I always seemed to fall short of what was expected from me. My mum walked out on us when I was 1. My dad stupidly let her back in two years later when she re-appeared just for her to ditch us again a year later. I'm not really good enough for my family like and this is just another reason why.
Things didn't work out at my dads and he kicked me out about a year ago. I've somehow ended up living with my bitch of a mother who walked back into my life about 18 months ago as if nothing had happened. Other than for a few days when I was 13 I hadn't seen here since she walked out on us the second time - which I don't really remember, was too young. It was my dad that told me it all.
The other week I stupidly tried to kiss my "girlfriend's" brother while I was slightly tipsy and he was rather more drunk. However he's told a few folk that he thinks I'm a poof. Nobodys believed him yet, but what if someone does?
It's all just getting me down and I really don't think I can cope with it anymore.
It's all just getting me down
I've been brought up believing that being gay is wrong, disgusting and weak. I've bullied folk for being gay and been arrested several times for homophoic related behaviour.
I've tried forcing myself to like girls, but i just can't seem to like them. I think I might be one of them and it's really getting me down. My childhood wasn't the easiest. I always seemed to fall short of what was expected from me. My mum walked out on us when I was 1. My dad stupidly let her back in two years later when she re-appeared just for her to ditch us again a year later. I'm not really good enough for my family like and this is just another reason why.
Things didn't work out at my dads and he kicked me out about a year ago. I've somehow ended up living with my bitch of a mother who walked back into my life about 18 months ago as if nothing had happened. Other than for a few days when I was 13 I hadn't seen here since she walked out on us the second time - which I don't really remember, was too young. It was my dad that told me it all.
The other week I stupidly tried to kiss my "girlfriend's" brother while I was slightly tipsy and he was rather more drunk. However he's told a few folk that he thinks I'm a poof. Nobodys believed him yet, but what if someone does?
It's all just getting me down and I really don't think I can cope with it anymore.
It's all just getting me down
0
Comments
Firstly, welcome to Thesite discussion boards. This is a safe and supportive place to explore your feelings and get advice.
Sounds like growing up with your Mum coming and going and your relationship with Dad breaking down has been hard for you. You are also trying to come to terms with some feelings about your sexuality.
As children, we learn from our parents and people around us and it seems that you may have taken on some of the prejudices of those people in your life.
It's perfectly natural for people to explore and become more aware of their sexuality - it can be a scarey and exciting time. Why don't you check out some of the informaiton pages here - also looking at the links to next steps a related articles. You may also find that posting a thread on the sex and/or relationships boards may generate some more responses relating to your sexuality and feelings about your girlfriend's brother.
Is there anyone you can talk with about any of this?
Do keep posting and let us know how you are.
Be kind and honest with yourself.
Take care
Anyway, I digress.
So who brought you up to believe that being gay is 'wrong, disgusting and weak'? Is this the same 'bitch' of a 'mother' that abandoned you as a child (twice!) or the the same 'father' that has thrown you out of the house? It doesn't sound like you have had the best of role models - so why do you continue to accept their views? Some of the greatest people that have helped to shape the world into what is is today either through science, the arts, medicine etc are (or were) gay.
There comes a time in your own life and as part of growing up that you question the 'morals' and 'beliefs' of your parents and become your own man. You can't go through life living in the shadow of their ignorant beliefs.
Dude, you're obviously at an age where you can think for yourself. Well, even a small amount of investigation on the internet will show you that what you have been 'taught', is completely wrong. These days, all evidence points to the fact that being gay is not a choice. Did YOU choose to feel how you feel? No. Why would ANYONE choose to become gay when it means possibly losing one's family, friends and (unfortunately for some) their lives?
The quicker that you realise that it's YOUR life and that you have a right to be as happy as the next person, the quicker you will move to getting over this. You are NEVER going to lose these same sex feelings. You may try and disguise them by pretending to yourself that you are straight - but it will put unbearable pressure on you which will ultimately likely cause great pain to those around you (e.g. a future wife and children).
It sounds like you have nothing holding you in your own home town, wherever that is. Move away. Make a new start. Find yourself. Then you will learn to love and accept yourself for who you are. And that will, no doubt, make you a nicer person too.
I also think moving to a more friendly area may help. I think in life, we should be in environments that are conducive to our wellbeing.
To be honest, it sounds to me like they aren't actually good enough for you. You deserve better.
You should read what Teagan has posted - especially the part about this being your life. Instead of trying to fit in with what this "family" wants, try being yourself. True family, one that is worth respecting, will be the one that accepts you for whatever you are. If they don't, then you you better off without them.
It isn't what you are, that's getting you down, it's what they are.
The only folk I really have are my mates and I can't tell them any of this as it would lose the hardman image I've built up over the years, plus they'd want to kick the shit outta me.
Seriously, you are going to have a really unhappy life if you continue to fraternise with these people.
Why not move away, find out who you really are and in the future, if you are so disposed, get back in touch with them again?
It sounds like you have never experienced real family love and this is very saddening. But it's down to you as to how you progress with the rest of your life. Staying where you are is only going to make you miserable.
Or there could be something wrong wit hthem. I cannot think of a single reason why I would ever walk out on my children, or why I would kick them out.
Not one.
Again, this is a reflection on them, not you. Every child does something which doesn't please their parents but generally I am proud of what my kids are (and believe me they've done some pretty bad things at times)
This is a very common misconception for children of separated/divorced parents. Your parents' characters were fully formed and they had already set out on their own self-destructive paths long before you arrived on the scene. However, don't for one moment believe that it is necessary for you to follow in their footsteps.
Sadly, this is also a common situation. Unfortunately, parents are no different from teenage kids when they are in new relationships. They can be selfish and behave thoughtlessly towards others. But if your overall impression of your dad's family was that they were "alright", you could try and build a few bridges before you lose touch with them altogether. Most people, deep down, value family connections and I'm sure your dad's family are no different. They probably wouldn't like to lose touch with you.
That's the trouble with living a lie and you shouldn't have to lie to friends. Perhaps a fresh start in a new area really is the best answer.
Okay. Prioritise. Bide your time. Get through college with good grades so that you can be more employable - and in the meantime, start planning your 'escape' to a new life.
As the other posters have stated, the issue isn't with you but your family and friends. Unfortunately, they have driven you to violence against gays because of their extreme prejudice but it's up to you now on how you want to change the rest of your life.
Building up self-esteem and confidence can help. Focus on your positive points and strengths.
So how many more innocent gays are you going to beat up to provide the pretence you require to convince your family and friends that you're 'hard' and all man? Will you even go so far as to marry some poor woman who believes that you 'love' her and father children with her just to provide you with your cover? How selfish and cowardly is that? You may be 'hard' on the outside but you're no man on the inside, where strength of character truly counts.
Whether you are gay or not, you are surrounded by uncaring, unloving, unloyal and bigoted people. Why do you want to stay in that environment? Regardless of whether you 'come out' to yourself in another town or city, you're wasting your life by clinging on to these people for absolutely no purpose. A new start elsewhere will mean that you will meet people who have no knowledge of your history and they will treat you at face value.