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He cheated on, I know now
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been with my boyfriend (Daniel) for 16 months (since April 2008). The relationship was quite serious from the start as we had know eachother for a while already, we fell in love quite quickly. Around October 2008 to December 2008, we drifted apart due to career responsiblities and I thought we were on a break, when I said this to him, he said he didn't think we were on a break. We got back together at the end of December. Anyway we've had our ups and downs, but it's generally been good.
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Daniel is a doctor and in August 2009 he started a new job further away from where he was before. We haven't been able to see eachother due to his long working hours, and we've not been able to speak as his phone has broken, so we've had to email eachother. I noticed on facebook that a particular woman (Tina) had commented on his status a few times, and I got quite wary even though the comments were quite innocent, I just had a feeling. So I did something pretty low, I asked my friends friend (Adam) to add Tina and talk to her, see what she says. They started talking and somehow Tina brought up the conversation of someone she was seeing in the past, a doctor, she met him through work, she's a nurse. Adam didn't ask too many questions just enough for her to open up. Tina said that she broke up with this doctor in January 2009, they had been seeing eachother for 8 months, so thats since April 2009. Tina said that it was sexual/physical relationship, which had no future, and they both knew it. She said that she enjoyed his company and since she had just separated from her husband.
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I was heartbroken. How could he have done this to me? The first 8 months of our relationship were a sham and all lies. I would have been more understanding if it was during the time we were on a break but it wasn't, back then he even said that he thought we were together. I remember he spent so much on me over that Christmas, when we had got back together, was it because of guilt? I haven't confronted him yet. I don't know what to say. Would he admit it? Do I tell him that I asked somebody to snoop for me? What happens now?
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I feel such a fool. In I've been in 3 previous relationships, 1 of which was serious, but every single time I've been cheated on. Why? He knew this. He knew from the start that cheating on me was the worse thing he could do to me. It took time for me to trust him. He would always say that he wasn't like those guys, he was different, I could trust him. The thing is, I did learn to trust him. And not so long ago, I told him that if ever they came a time when I would have to choose between my parents and him I would choose him. More the fool me.
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I don't have many people I want to talk to about this, we don't have many mutual friends, or people that know us as a couple.
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Daniel is a doctor and in August 2009 he started a new job further away from where he was before. We haven't been able to see eachother due to his long working hours, and we've not been able to speak as his phone has broken, so we've had to email eachother. I noticed on facebook that a particular woman (Tina) had commented on his status a few times, and I got quite wary even though the comments were quite innocent, I just had a feeling. So I did something pretty low, I asked my friends friend (Adam) to add Tina and talk to her, see what she says. They started talking and somehow Tina brought up the conversation of someone she was seeing in the past, a doctor, she met him through work, she's a nurse. Adam didn't ask too many questions just enough for her to open up. Tina said that she broke up with this doctor in January 2009, they had been seeing eachother for 8 months, so thats since April 2009. Tina said that it was sexual/physical relationship, which had no future, and they both knew it. She said that she enjoyed his company and since she had just separated from her husband.
--
I was heartbroken. How could he have done this to me? The first 8 months of our relationship were a sham and all lies. I would have been more understanding if it was during the time we were on a break but it wasn't, back then he even said that he thought we were together. I remember he spent so much on me over that Christmas, when we had got back together, was it because of guilt? I haven't confronted him yet. I don't know what to say. Would he admit it? Do I tell him that I asked somebody to snoop for me? What happens now?
--
I feel such a fool. In I've been in 3 previous relationships, 1 of which was serious, but every single time I've been cheated on. Why? He knew this. He knew from the start that cheating on me was the worse thing he could do to me. It took time for me to trust him. He would always say that he wasn't like those guys, he was different, I could trust him. The thing is, I did learn to trust him. And not so long ago, I told him that if ever they came a time when I would have to choose between my parents and him I would choose him. More the fool me.
--
I don't have many people I want to talk to about this, we don't have many mutual friends, or people that know us as a couple.
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Comments
She also said that they remain good friends, and he still calls her every now and then to see how she is. Daniel rarely calls me, we always text but don't talk much on the phone.
Whether she exaggerated for Adams benefit I don't know, but Tina doesn't have much of a reason to lie to Adam.
Now, the issue of trust. Since it's now gone, you're going to have a real problem getting it back, particularly since you're sensitive to trust anyway. Is there anything he can say which can recover what has been lost? If he denies it you'll just feel angry and bitter towards him, if he admits it you'll just feel bitter and angry towards him. How do you move on from this?
The way I see it is you're asking for advice on what to do next and it's at this point you need to question yourself.
Is there a future for you with this man?
Can you honestly forgive him?
Can you ever trust him again?
Is your heart broken beyond repair?
Although all these wounds will heal in time, is he worth the wait?
Get a better idea of your life and where you want it to go, then start to question whether dealing with all of this is worth it.
Do post back and let us know how you get on.
You could just say you found out through your friend Adam, and not mention how he knows the woman. However, be careful with more lies, it gets so complicated.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you, it's horrible for anyone
From the tone of your post I get the feeling that you don't want him back. In which case, it's very simple: sling him and keep your dignity.
Still haven't spoken to him, due to him working.
I was really worried about how he would react if he found out that I snooped, although in this case maybe the end justifies the means. Firstly I was going to ask him straight out if he's ever cheated on me. That way I'm giving him the chance to confess, unlikely that he will though. From there I was going to say that a girl I know told me that her friend (Adam) had shown her an email conversation with Tina and she recognised the type of car and the name of the car or Daniels name. She then told me. Does that sound realistic? I know I have to be as honest as I can about all of this, as you said I'm expecting it to him. Also as Daniel apparently still speaks to Tina, he could just ask her who she's told recently about them.
I don't know what I'm going to do afterwards. Maybe it depends on his reasoning for the infidelity. I know there is no excuse for it, but...I don't know.
It's not good at the moment, I just keeping thinking about it over and over and over again. I can't get it out of my head. I've begun to question our whole relationship.
I remember a few weeks ago we'd been out together and had a bit to drink and we had a rather drunken conversation about trust and infidelity and he said to me that he had once asked himself how he would react if I came to him one day and said that during a night out I had had a drunken kiss with someone. He said that he would end the relationship. I remember saying that I wouldn't do that no matter how drunk I was, because I know how it feels to be cheated on. After I didn't think much of it, but looking back now, it's made me so angry, a complete hypocrite.
Not talking to him, about this is honestly eating away at me. I just can't get it out of my mind.
All those questions you told me to ask myself, I don't know the answers. I'm not sure of anything at the moment. I know that sounds over the top and cliche but it's how I feel.
Also considering I've now been in 4 unfaithful relationships, I'm questioning myself and whether it's me that's encouraging boyfriends to cheat on me.
Whatever happens, please give yourself time to think before acting. You're at your most vulnerable and probably alone too so not best placed to make life changing decisions.
Please remember it's he who questioned the relationship by cheating on you. You just don't know where you stand right now. Talking to him will help you make up your mind as his response will dictate how serious he really is about you, the level of respect he has for you and how much he loves you.
If I'm honest, that does sound arrogant.
Once you talk to him you'll get a better idea of where you stand. This will make it easier to answer those questions.
Do you sincerely believe that? What attributes in your physical being or character can you type down which gives your partners the overwhelming urge to cheat on you? I think you'll find you've had a bad run because you're with men who have little respect for anyone other than themselves. You may be inclined to look for men with this attribute but that's not permission to behave like that. Cheating on someone is the most hurtful and disrespectful thing you can do to a partner, considering there's meant to be love involved. It boggles the mind quite honestly.
Can't move forward until I speak to him. Although I think I've made my mind up about the future. I don't think I can't stay with him after all this.
If you really are pretty sure that things are over, you might as well tell him, regardless of if he cheated or not, if your feelings have got to this stage, the love is now gone.
Despite that I do still want answers from him.
What gets me is that when he cheated it was apparently at the start of our relationship. Daniel asked me to be his girlfriend, I didn't force him, so why ask me if he wanted to be with someone else. Argh this is infuriating.
I keep going around in circles like this. :banghead:
All the best for the future.