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feeling suicidal please help

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey

I thought today was going ok but i guess it was too good to be true and now i am feeling really suicidal, i have no mental or physical energy left, i cant do anything anymore i feel really depressed and i cant ring my friend cos i know she will be disappointed in me and i dont think i can face anyone.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there.

    Any idea why you feel this way?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i feel this way vitually all the time, but at the moment it is really bad, i think it has become really bad because i did some practice about an hour ago and i was playing really badly, i then had 3 small panic attacks in about 45mins and i just suddenly heard myself saying that i cant do anything anymore not the things that other people say i am good at, i just think i am rubbish at them.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Hey imohorn18,
    Sounds like it's been a really tough day for you. What have you been practicing?

    As, by the sounds of it, the day has been draining, it might help to try and get some sleep now and then start afresh tomorrow and see how you feel about talking to your friend then? When we're tired everything can feel difficult and it can be hard to see things clearly. You say you're afraid your friend will be disappointed in you, have they given you reason to think this might be the case?

    Having said that, sometimes the people closest to us are the hardest to talk to about the things that are really getting us down. It's great that you feel able to post about it on here, but you might also find it helps to talk to someone in confidence in a fact-to-face situation - have you thought about counselling at all?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well its kind of been okish for most the day, i was practicing french horn and i just couldnt do it, it was rubbish and i cant play it anymore i am useless.
    i cant sleep i am too stressed out everything is just going round my head and just dont think i have what it takes to get through another day.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When you're stressed and when you put too much pressure on yourself, you often underperform. I've always found, when playing instruments or being creative in any way, when I'm stressing and being very conscious abou achieving something, I don't do so good. But, if I'm more relaxed and just playing for fun, I get somewhere.

    Maybe you should give the French Horn a break for a while, clear your mind and give yourself some TLC. Then, when you feel up to it, you can go back.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there,

    The Convincer is absolutely right :yes:

    If you feel you've not got what it takes to get through another day - please keep posting here - we can support you. If you are feeling stressed out and can't sleep why don't you try listening some relaxing music, take a bath or read a book?

    Take care :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well i cant really give it a rest i am at music college and have to do 3 hours practice a day. i was feeling ok before i practiced because i had been to a really good concert and was really inspired to practice.
    but if i play anything wrong then i just feel like i am rubbish.
    i am going to the doctors, well i am supposed to be but have been to terrified to even make an appointment, so my friend is going to come with me, but i just cant be bothered anymore with anything i just feel useless.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're clearly worrying yourself too much to perform. Music should be about expression and enjoyment. That's the key. You really shouldn't be stressing over it so much that it's making you ill.

    Go to the doctors and tell him/her what you've told us. You may be instructed to take a break, whether it's practical or not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Practising is about making mistakes - if you don't make mistakes then you can't learn from them?

    Sometimes with creativity you can hit a wall - if you are tired and nothing can be gained from making yourself feel 'useless' then perhaps you could leave it for tonight, get some rest and then just do a bit extra tomorrow?

    That's great about you going to the Doctor's with your friend supporting you. :yes:

    :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i wont take a break from playing the horn, music is a massive part of my life and has helped me to get through some really tough times, i dont think it is just the mistakes i made while practicing, i realise that i am going to make mistakes while practicing. but i tend to think that if i make a mistake on horn then i must be crap and this is something that people have told me i am amazing at, so if i cant even do that then i just get even more depressed than i already am, but i do really enjoy playing the french horn when i am feeling okish. i have just been feeling really depressed for 4 years, feeling suicidal regularly over those years and made several attempts at my life over the past 2/3 years. if i feel really bad then i try to think of my mum and sister and my friends, cos i dont want to hurt anyone.
    but i just cant take another day of going through the mental hell again, i just feel really low and feel useless, i feel i am getting worse cos i am now having these panic attacks which i have started having in the last month. i just dont think i can keep going anymore.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you seen a doctor about this previously?

    You shouldn't have been dealing with this without help for four years, if not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i was made to go see the doctor with my mum by school, but i didnt speak and she didnt really know how bad it was so they just referred me to counsellors and said i would be fine, i have seen 3 different cunsellors over the years but have only been to 3 sessions with each, one of them shouted at me and the others just really annoyed me and i didnt want to talk to them, school really sort of forced me to go and i really didnt want to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One of them shouted at you? WFT?

    It seems you need to find the right doctor or councillor. They can't all be rubbish.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah they were one who came into school, i told her i didnt want to do this role play thing and she said i had to and that if i didnt i was wasting her time cos my problems werent that bad.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow, she sounds really proffesional.

    I'd get one recommended by your GP, if you like your GP, that is.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah she wasnt great i just walked out. i havnt been to my doctor yet at all only to the nurse for my asthma.

    i am feeling really tense at the moment and really scared of what i am going to do, i am trying not to think about it just listening to some music and stuff but i find it really hard to concentrate on stuff, even tv shows and films that i used to really like i have not been able to watched them without my mind wondering and getting bored, in the last few months.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Are you sleeping okay? It's getting kinda late and you're still up.

    Must go to sleep in a bit.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont sleep well, i hate going to sleep, once i am asleep i am generally ok although sometimes i get really horrible nightmares, but i hate having to go to sleep because i just lie there and everything goes round my head, so i try to put it off for as long as psooible, occassionally i have gone with no sleep. i try to make myself really tired so i just fall asleep as i am too tired to have to try to so then i dont have the time to think about everything, if that makes sense.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's something else you may want to mention to your doctor.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi imohorn

    As people have suggested, going to the GP seems sensible. Maybe you'd benefit from trying something like the Alexander Technique? I've not tried it myself, but I've met a few musicians who have found it useful. I'm not that knowledgeable on it, but it does give you methods to use to try to focus on the end result and helps with anxiety and breathing. It's good that you value performing and if it's helped you get through some tough times in the past, it may be worth finding some new ways to approach it when you're having bad days.

    Take care and let us know how things are going
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