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Breaking up with someone two days before xmas

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
I don't know whether to wait for a few weeks or just drop the bomb now.. If I stick with her it's unfair because I really don't want to be with her anymore, she's gotten very obsessive-clingy with me and it's both pissing me off and freaking me out.

She's constantly checking up on me, breathing down my neck and testing me. If I go out with my friends then she expects me to txt her to tell her where I am going and who I'm going to be with (which I think is really weird!) and even then she still is angry with me when I eventually speak to her.

I feel like I'm going out with Big Brother.. if we have an argument she'll constantly ring my mobile, house phone, mates phones etc and if she doesn't get through to me she'll turn up on my doorstep or catch me on the way to work (she knows my route, which I've started changing because of this!). She's even scoured the internet to find my works telephone number so she could speak to me before.

I don't want to make any excuses but she's recently lost her grandma and grandad this year and all of her friends have stopped seeing her because she constantly causes rifts and troubles between them. There are other reasons why I want to finish with her, but to be honest I sometimes feel like I'm being stalked and that's not how a relationship should be.

Does anyone think I'm wrong to finish with her now? Should I wait til after xmas? Any advice is appreciated.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you spoken to her about any of the above?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    to answer the question, it would depend on how sure I was that I wanted to dump them and how I felt about them. If I couldn't stand the sight of them then I would do it now but if I wasn't totally 100% about it and felt a bit guilty then I would wait til after xmas.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yep, more than once. We've had huge arguments over the whole txting thing and everytime I go out she always has a go because I didnt do something trivial like txting her as soon as I came back.. etc.

    Take this friday just gone for example, my mate called when I was over her house asking me if I wanted to go out for xmas eve to a free party and I said I'd be up for it as it's literally been months since I've been out properly with the lads.. she had a massive go at me, ended up running out of the house with just a t-shirt on in the pouring rain and hid in the street somewhere.

    I eventually managed to find her, got her back to her place and said that it has to stop now.. She was crying at the top of her voice, woke everyone up in the house and the only reason I didn't leave and go home was because I thought she'd do something stupid.

    Anyway, last night she had a massive go at me because I got home at half 9 and didn't txt her until 10ish because I was talking to my mum when I got in.. that was the final nail in the coffin for me.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be honest, guilt is the only thing that's stopping me. I am 100% certain that I want to finish things.

    I don't know what's more unfair, doing it two days before xmas or acting all nice with her then turning around a few days after xmas and saying "Well, actually..".
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ohh thats always a tough one - how long have you been going out?

    I had a friend who was dumped on Christmas Eve at a party which was all not so good - but they had only been going out a few months so it wasn't so bad.

    But I think that you should probably do it sooner rather than later - that way she has some time to wallow at home before seeing anyone else - and maybe it will give her a chance to arrange something fun to do for NYE (if shes not already managed to annoy all of her friends)

    however i would suggest that afterwards you tell a mutual friend or maybe her mum that your worried about her and to keep an eye on her.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i would just do it, because leaving it longer, just means she will feel insecure in the future about people saying things they dont mean.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aspire wrote: »
    To be honest, guilt is the only thing that's stopping me. I am 100% certain that I want to finish things.

    Well in that case I think you should do it now and then at least you have the xmas eve party with the lads to look forward to.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    From the first bit you say you find it weird that she asks you where you are going? I would say that there is a lot of communication, understanding, trust and committment underlying here. Are you saying that she doesn't trust you. If she went out would you want to know where she was going and who she was going with? I suppose it could mean that you both have a trust issue with your relationship amongst other things. Looking at the whole situation with you and her I sense there is a lot of untrust here. You say that she lost her grandparents to earlier on this year so that is hard to deal within itself losing people you love. Do you love her? She comes across as being a little insecure but there maybe reasons for this. What is the other reason that you want to finish with her?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wyetry - We've been together a year and 2 months, the clingyness has gotten progressively worse throughout. I've given the relationship so many chances over the past 5 or 6 months but I just can't take it anymore, it's exhausting me and making me miserable.

    Becks - There is a LOT of communication in our relationship, I have always told her how I've felt and vice versa..

    I almost feel bad for saying it, but she can be very manipulative and sly when arguing with her.. it's hard to explain, she uses lots of emotional blackmail ie, "either believe what I say or finish with me", constantly plays the victim.

    She tries to make me feel small in front of her friends, she accuses me of fancying her mates and if I so much as speak to any girl when I'm with her so goes into a serious jealous rage.. I agree she's really insecure, we've spoke about it loads of times and I've tried my upmost to reassure her but she needs it constantly and I just can't do it anymore.. it's making me resent her and the stalking bit really doesn't help! The last thing I need when I want a break from her is her turning up on my doorstep or at work.

    I care for her but I don't love her anymore. It sounds stupid but for the past 6 months I've just been going through the motions without really thinking about it.

    I trust her completely though, if she goes out I leave her to it.. I don't have a compulsive obsession to know exactly what time she's going out, where to, who with and for how long and then quiz her for hours when she gets back.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If your mind is made up then you need to do it now, not later. Otherwise it's just unfair. The timing isn't great but leaving it isn't going to make it any better. You'd probably just have a massive argument on Christmas anyway.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do it now, I think it's for the best and it's definitely what I would do were I in that situation. It's irrelevant, really, but I would hatehateHATE that kind of relationship, clingy is my most-loathed trait and tipping into stalker territory would be an immediate dead end for me. Though I think you should've broached this in the past six months, I'm sure you have to a degree. Do you have an inkling why she's so insecure (in the relationship/in general), out of interest?

    It's the "plaster theory" and I don't see the point in postponing heartache just 'cause it's Christmas. But maybe I'm just a total bitch/not that attached to (or romanticised about) Christmas.

    Good luck!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Briggi - I've always expressed to her and made it clear how much I hate it and I've always had promise after promise that she would change, I know these things can't be cured overnight so I stuck with her, tried to help her through it but I'm getting nowhere.

    I gave her the ultimatum friday and she did the same stuff all over again on sunday, I haven't spoken to her since but I'm going to chat to her later and tell her it's over.

    I honestly have no inkling why she's like that.. she comes from a decent family that seems to treat them all fairly (she's the middle of three sisters but her mum gets on best with her), she's never been cheated on or treated like shit by past boyfriends (although I can see why they probably chucked her!) and her friends always seemed really sound to me but she caused so much shit with them they don't want to know her anymore.. but according to her it's everyone elses fault.


    Still, at least I've made up my mind now. Gonna have to return all of her xmas presents but I guess that's the way it is! Thanks to everyone for the advice and happy xmas :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you should maybe still give her the christmas presents - it might lessen the guilt a bit - unless they are very coupley
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wyetry wrote: »
    I think you should maybe still give her the christmas presents - it might lessen the guilt a bit - unless they are very coupley

    lol really? I think if my boyfriend dumped me but then said "here are your xmas presents anyway" I'd want to chuck them back at him!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh no i'd never turn down free stuff!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    good luck....and hope all goes well with everything. You too have a good christmas.
    It also sounds as though she is trying to control you and that is not good for any relationship.

    All the best
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok bit of an update, I decided to give her a ring and break it to her over the phone.. gave my reasons and she was obviously upset. Anyway, got home from work and after about half hour of being in there was a knock on my door.. guess who!

    I stood my ground even though she threatened to kill herself and said I was the only thing in her life that was keeping her going and now I feel fucking awful. But she's gone now.. I'd feel so wrong if she did actually top herself but this is for the best.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aspire wrote: »
    Ok bit of an update, I decided to give her a ring and break it to her over the phone.. gave my reasons and she was obviously upset. Anyway, got home from work and after about half hour of being in there was a knock on my door.. guess who!

    I stood my ground even though she threatened to kill herself and said I was the only thing in her life that was keeping her going and now I feel fucking awful. But she's gone now.. I'd feel so wrong if she did actually top herself but this is for the best.

    Well done for sticking to your guns. She sounds like she's got some issues she needs to resolve.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sorry that it had to end this way but maybe it was for the best afterall.
    She needs to talk to someone for sure. Have a good xmas
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IF you love the girl still then talk to her about it if you havent already and say look yno your being a bit too clingy could you back off a little

    but nicen it up if you can

    or if not id just drop the bomb straight away i mean...i got dumped a week b4 xmas.. =l
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If she goes straight into wanting to kill herself mode, then i suggest shes possibly got a screw loose or two to begin with.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, it's all been done. I still get the odd txt here and there from her but I've just been ignoring it.

    It's a shame as she was a really nice girl when she wasn't in flip-mode. Just wish the guilt would let up a bit!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aspire wrote: »
    I stood my ground even though she threatened to kill herself and said I was the only thing in her life that was keeping her going and now I feel fucking awful. But she's gone now.. I'd feel so wrong if she did actually top herself but this is for the best.

    It's emotional blackmail, mate. It's unfair when people threaten to kill themselves to keep a relationship. It's probably best, not just for you, but for her too.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah defo mate, that's one of the few reasons I knocked it on the head!

    As of the last 5 or 6 months she was a really difficult person to be with.. She used to slag off all her mates when I first got with her and I thought they were all nasty fuckers.. but after being with her that long I kinda know what they're talking about! It's mental really.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    With my first GF i tryed the emotional blackmail
    when i got over her
    i was like "wow im such a frikkin moron" never doing that again.


    its stupid but in times like them you dont think about things as much
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's fair enough man.. but, with the upmost respect, you're 15.. she was 22 and had relationships previous. You've obviously picked up that the whole emotional blackmail thing isn't the way to go whereas she was pretty much using it as a pawn in a chess game.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dunno man maybe she was low on self eesteem and tried anyway neccessary to keep with you yno

    and just because im 15 doesnt mean im a total idiot in relationships even tho ive probly screwwed my current one over
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aspire wrote: »
    That's fair enough man.. but, with the upmost respect, you're 15.. she was 22 and had relationships previous. You've obviously picked up that the whole emotional blackmail thing isn't the way to go whereas she was pretty much using it as a pawn in a chess game.

    Which means she's either vindictive or emotionally immature. I guess the latter is a nicer thought.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If its settled now then fair enough
    she could be 100% ok in the head but

    in breakups - or being the dumped the whole thing can mess withyou alot
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