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The space thing... but a little different
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi there,
Firstly this is a little long but if you can just bear with me.
Ok, for the last six years I have had a best friend relationship with a girl, Victoria her name. Now we quite literally do everything together, work, go out, holidays and speak on the phone for hours. It really is a unique relationship we have.
Two months ago we arrived back in London from Las Vegas. We had an amazing time, always laughing etc. Anyway, two days later she insisted on coming round my place. She came round and after a long chat about mostly crap, we ended up kissing.
Considering our relationship this really was different to anything that's happened to me before. We then did some foreplay with each other etc etc. We then had a long chat and I asked her if this is what she wanted. I told her we had taken everything to a new level and this was a significant change to our relationship. She asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted to be with her. To be honest, I always have wanted too but never in a million years thought it would happen.
Anyway, the last few months have been great, no problems. Victoria is one of these girls that has a stong personality and rarely shows or tells what she's really feeling and sometimes gives me the wrong impression. Last friday, we went to the Cinema. I had asked her for the few days before to stay at mine as we hadn't had a night together for a couple of weeks. She never gave me a firm answer but I took it as she was going to stay. After the film finished I asked her if she was coming back to mine, She just said "nah, I'm gonna go home". I instantly got the hump with her and made sure she knew I was unhappy. We spoke in the car for a while and she said she can't be dealing with pressure. I said it was no pressure I was just
she wasnt staying.
Anyway, I'll try and get tto the point . she went home and I could tell she was very unhappy. She then said she just wanted some time on her own to chill out and have a little space. Now in my view this shouldn't be happening yet. I said bluntly to her at work "are you gonna end this", she said that she never said that and she just wants some time.
Im having a lot of difficulty dealing with this. I know this girl inside out but has this ability to put up this inpenetrable barrier where I just cannot figure out what she's thinking.
I was very upset last night and her best friend came round to see me. She said she was very surprised about everything and was already concerned we had got together given our history and didn't want to see anything go bad between us. Her best friend said she does get like this from time to time and its best just to leave her.
My question is . am I about to lose her? For me this is not simply another relationship. She has been my entire world for 6 years and us getting together was the most amazing moment of my life. To be honest, I'm terrified and really do not know what to think here.
Does anyone have any advice??
Thanks so much!
Firstly this is a little long but if you can just bear with me.
Ok, for the last six years I have had a best friend relationship with a girl, Victoria her name. Now we quite literally do everything together, work, go out, holidays and speak on the phone for hours. It really is a unique relationship we have.
Two months ago we arrived back in London from Las Vegas. We had an amazing time, always laughing etc. Anyway, two days later she insisted on coming round my place. She came round and after a long chat about mostly crap, we ended up kissing.
Considering our relationship this really was different to anything that's happened to me before. We then did some foreplay with each other etc etc. We then had a long chat and I asked her if this is what she wanted. I told her we had taken everything to a new level and this was a significant change to our relationship. She asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted to be with her. To be honest, I always have wanted too but never in a million years thought it would happen.
Anyway, the last few months have been great, no problems. Victoria is one of these girls that has a stong personality and rarely shows or tells what she's really feeling and sometimes gives me the wrong impression. Last friday, we went to the Cinema. I had asked her for the few days before to stay at mine as we hadn't had a night together for a couple of weeks. She never gave me a firm answer but I took it as she was going to stay. After the film finished I asked her if she was coming back to mine, She just said "nah, I'm gonna go home". I instantly got the hump with her and made sure she knew I was unhappy. We spoke in the car for a while and she said she can't be dealing with pressure. I said it was no pressure I was just
she wasnt staying.Anyway, I'll try and get tto the point . she went home and I could tell she was very unhappy. She then said she just wanted some time on her own to chill out and have a little space. Now in my view this shouldn't be happening yet. I said bluntly to her at work "are you gonna end this", she said that she never said that and she just wants some time.
Im having a lot of difficulty dealing with this. I know this girl inside out but has this ability to put up this inpenetrable barrier where I just cannot figure out what she's thinking.
I was very upset last night and her best friend came round to see me. She said she was very surprised about everything and was already concerned we had got together given our history and didn't want to see anything go bad between us. Her best friend said she does get like this from time to time and its best just to leave her.
My question is . am I about to lose her? For me this is not simply another relationship. She has been my entire world for 6 years and us getting together was the most amazing moment of my life. To be honest, I'm terrified and really do not know what to think here.
Does anyone have any advice??
Thanks so much!
0
Comments
Now all of a sudden you're not just a friend anymore and she's probably thinking does she want to jepordise your relationship by becoming something more.
What if you get together and then something goes wrong? Your relationship could be ruined.
It's a big decision to make so just give her time to think things over
Thanks for the advice. And i'll do just that. Ive just come off the phone now with her and she seems to have perked up a little bit. We both knew in all honesty that we were taking a very dangerous step in going to the next level. Our history is unprecedented compared with what most people have where friends are concerned. I guess her calling me tonight was a step in the right direction but as normal she was very careful about what she said.
Anyway, im hoping for the best as I really don't know what i'll do if things go bad.
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond
Chris
I had a lass mate like yours, probably 6-7 years and we got together, things were great for a short while and I fell for her (think like you I already felt that way before we got together) she became a bit distant and in the end it got very very messy! She'd had her problem guys in the past and I was in it for the long haul cos of the friendship we had, but it didn't work!
I speak to her now very occasionally but I lost my best mate for a few months of sex really!
This was partly because I couldn't believe someone I was so close to and trusted so much could hurt me like she did! Since, she has constantly tried to be my friend (and still is 2 years on), but I decided I didn't want someone who could do that to me in my life, I have enough mates without being mates with people who hurt me!
Right back to you........ I think you need to try let your head make the decisions and not your heart (very hard I know), you'll know in your head at the minute if it will or will not work between you and I would think about it very carefully and decide what to do.
If you carry on pursuing a relationship it is my opinion from what I've read that you will get hurt and I think as the hurt carrys on (cos she'll still want to be your mate and see you all the time and everytime it will cut you up) you will end up hating her and lose your friend for good!
Or.... if you decide maybe it wouldn't work as a relationship and want your mate back, then nows the time to do it before it gets really messy, get back to been mates now rather than later.
Fair point, but I think we need to be really, really careful about projecting our own experiences on others. I know a couple who have been close friends for 8 years with no romance until last year and now they're getting married... Every couple is different.
Good point about head/heart though.
So let her have her space - if you don't you risk crushing her.
Asking her to stay over and then throwing a bit of a hissy when things didn't go your way could light up a warning sign in her mind that, unfortunately, 'men only want one thing.'
If you have waited, subconsciously, to be with her for so long, don't mess things up by steaming ahead. She sounds like she must be a fantastic girl so tread softly and let things develop at her pace i.e. don't suggest that she stays over again and don't initiate anything more than kissing, not even foreplay/petting. Let her feel that she is in some form of control of her new feelings as she tries to adjust to your new relationship.
Personally, I think she deserves a spontaneous bunch of flowers or something, don't you? A romantic gesture is always good ...
Regarding an earlier warning about the change in your friendship that this new relationship will bring, the basis of the best relationships are those where there is a deep friendship. It sounds like you have that already that or you wouldn't have hung out together for so long. To me, if you play your cards carefully and sensitively, you have the makings of a great relationship. Shall I start making plans for attending the wedding? :thumb:
Age wise I am 28 and she is 25. Its funny as I can remember it was around her age that I started realising what was more important in life, being with someone you truely care about or shagging around. Hopefully she is realizing this too.
On another note I know she is absolutly terrified of what would happen to us if we split. I think she knows our friendship probably could not be what it was and I think this really does scare her.
On a brighter note, I spoke with her in the early hours of this morning and she seemed more upbeat. One thing about Victoria is she tends to say things how they are and say how she feels. Im pretty confident if she was going to end this she wouldn't screw around and would just come out with it.
For me it is very very scary. For the last six (probably nearly seven) years I had always pictured myself and Vic spending our lives together. I can honestly honestly say I have never thought that in any of my past relatioships. Given the fact I never thought myself and Vic would get together and now we have it puts so much worry in to me its unreal.
I know I shouldn't have thrown a hissy fit the other night but it just felt that she didn't want to be with me, thats why (regretabbly) I started to put on the pressure and, yep, it back fired. I just could not understand why she didnt want to stay over with me as I could see no logical reason.
I honestly hope we get things back to normal soon as im so worried about how I will cope if things go bad. If this was just another girlfriend it would be different but the fact we are the truest of best friends and have been for so long, puts a whole new perspective on just about everything.
All the very best
Chris
To me the flowers would add pressure..no???
A few weeks after we had got together we had the same chat about was it what we wanted etc, he went all cold and said he was unsure and had a bit of a blip.
When we talked about why he had gone cold he said it was because he knew me so well and if we carried on then it would be serious immediately because we didnt have to do the whole getting to know each other and learn about the other person like you would with someone new.
If she is ready for a serious long term relationship then hopefully it will work out between you, as you already sound like great friends and get on really well which is a great basis for a strong relationship along with the physical side of things.
If she has concerns about if she is ready for something serious maybe she will want to take a step back to clear her head until she either is ready or will want to go back to being a good friend which would take time and maybe your friendship would not ever be quite the same.
Hopefully it will work out between you but dont put any pressure on her to make that choice too quickly.