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i hate my mums partner
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My dad died when i was 7 (im now 17) and when i was 13 my mum bumped into this guy that she used to know from school and they started 'seeing eachother'.
I know its not upto me but I wasnt happy with this situation when it started and i tried to speak to my mum but she just gave me the 'dont u want me to be happy' line, and she wouldnt listen to how i felt and told me id get used to it. 4 years later im still in the same situation, my mum still wont listen to what i have to say and her partner is still as much of a d!ck as he was when i first met him. He doesnt treat her wrong or anything i just dont like who he is and some of my family including my bf of 2 years feels the same.
I know its not upto me but it just feels so wrong that she was married to my dad and then he passed away and now shes just moving on like it nevr happened. i know she doesnr see it like this and i know that if it makes her happy then i should be happy but i cant because it upsets me so much.
I just wondered does anyone have any advice on what i can do about this situation apart from speaking to my mum about it as she wont listen?
The only person i can speak to about it is my boyfriend as im too embarassed of him (my mums partner) to speak to my friends but im afraid my bf will get sick of it.
thanks
I know its not upto me but I wasnt happy with this situation when it started and i tried to speak to my mum but she just gave me the 'dont u want me to be happy' line, and she wouldnt listen to how i felt and told me id get used to it. 4 years later im still in the same situation, my mum still wont listen to what i have to say and her partner is still as much of a d!ck as he was when i first met him. He doesnt treat her wrong or anything i just dont like who he is and some of my family including my bf of 2 years feels the same.
I know its not upto me but it just feels so wrong that she was married to my dad and then he passed away and now shes just moving on like it nevr happened. i know she doesnr see it like this and i know that if it makes her happy then i should be happy but i cant because it upsets me so much.
I just wondered does anyone have any advice on what i can do about this situation apart from speaking to my mum about it as she wont listen?
The only person i can speak to about it is my boyfriend as im too embarassed of him (my mums partner) to speak to my friends but im afraid my bf will get sick of it.
thanks
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Comments
Also, she was single for 6 years after your dad died, that's like 10% of your life. Spent being miserable, and alone, with nothing but memories for company. that must have been fun.
I mean call me out if I'm wrong but it seems like you who are in the wrong because -
a) "I know it's not up to me but..." (it really isn't up to you)
b) "he doesnt treat her wrong or anythingi just dont like who he is" huh? So, because you don't mix with him (which might be your fault since you said you never liked him) you dont want your mum to see him?
c) "now shes just moving on like it nevr happened" - 6 years! I mean seriously. That's not 'like it never happened'.
I think the best advice is not what you want - but here goes. You've got to accept he's here to stay. You don't need to call him dad, or be best friends, but he's not going away because your mum loves him and he loves your mum. When your dad died no doubt it was painful for you but it was also painful for your mum - now she's trying to claw back some happiness for herself - and she probably has daily reminders of your dad. (photos, etc.)
Imagine the guilt she already has and then its condensed further when you have a go at her and say what would dad think etc. - you're probably the thing she cares most about in the world but how much grief can a human being deal with?
Your mum needs your support, not your judgement. I mean it's been 10 years since your dad died but she's got to rebuild a life for herself and she'll want you there beside her to build her up for days when its tough or when she just needs you to be close.
I know certain parent's partners who are just plain awful to this parent's children and I was expecting something like that when entering that thread. But it didn't even seem like that, you are just upset, that your mum is dating again and I think that's unreasonable, especially after such a long time.
I guess you have to live with that, otherwise you need to move out as soon as you have a steady job and an tolerable income.
And I'm not surprised that your boyfriend agrees with you, to be honest. What else should he do? Not support you about something that really upsets you?
Your mums friend might not be Mr. perfect, but he treats your mum alright and she is happy with him and I really think you should grant her that.
You have to realise that she's not just a mum, she's also just a person, and people want companionship and they want affection. Maybe your dad was the love of her life, and she might never get over him, but that doesn't mean she can't be happy with someone else, tbh.
Agreed.
Sounds like YOU need to get over the fact that your mum has, after a fairly substantial amount of time, moved on (and rightly so!).
Im sure your father will always have a strong place in her heart, but that does not mean to say she shouldnt try and find happiness again.
I might be wrong, but maybe some counselling would help you deal with your dad's death. The fact that you're angry about your mum moving on suggests that you're still very hurt and haven't moved on emotionally.
If you can I think you should try to stop talking about your mum's partner to your boyfriend, he'll just repeat what you've said in different words and if you keep hearing about how horrible he is you'll believe it. If you need to talk get some counselling or talk to a friend who's not emotionally involved.
You and your mum deserve to be happy, and there's no reason why only one of you should be.