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moral confusion

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
ive been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we're in love and are each others best friends, but for a while now he has been suggesting sex but ive held out.

I didnt think i was ready so we didnt do it. But we still havnt had sex and he says he cant take it much longer. He sais he feels its the next step and we arent going any-where. He can't understad why if i say i love him and he is my world i am still holding out.

He is trying not to pressure me. I have made him wait a very long time and its understandable he feels like this. I know his intentions are gold, but im just scared i think.

Its breaking us up. Im ready now, but I have to decide wether to hold out longer because i dont want to give in to the pressure, or to just bite the bullet and do it. It would fix everything and show him i really mean what i say.

Im not a girl to let a guy walk all over me, but its different this time, im really hurting him. He's always shown me he adores me and i can trust him 100%. But now when we do it, it wont be the same...

I need some reassurace i guess. Resist longer or just do it?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its totally normal to be scared, im guessing its your first time? from the sound of it it sounds like you have a lovely boyfriend who you totally trust and are in love with so that should make things a lot easier. its also good that hes not pressuring you too much. i dont know how old you are but a year and a half IS quite a while.

    why dont you tell your boyfriend how you feel. say you feel ready now but you're a bit scared. you could just ease into it gently. why do you think things will change after you've slept together? if you now feel ready to have sex its not giving into the pressure is it. i dont think hes 'walking all over you' just because you've changed your mind.

    at the end of the day though its totally your decision and if you still don't feel right then he has to respect that.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he has started to get quite forcefull, but i think your right. Atm he is hurt because he is confused. im 18, i guess i should just go for it. thanks heaps.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You should really be honest with him. Tell him that you're just about ready, and that you do love him, but his forcefulness is putting you off. That should calm him down a bit.

    If you do go for it make sure it it on your terms not his. Don't do it when you're drunk or when he's been putting the pressure on because that will reward his behaviour. He's been very patient but so what? Your body, your rules.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, what Kermit suggested is right - it's your body and your rules. Anyway, what if you give in to your your boyfriend and have sex before you feel ready to? Much as you love him, is he going to dump you for another girl once he's done the deed in fulfilling the chase, even after 18 months? I realise sex is an important part of any relationship but intimacy should not be paramount if you're plainly not ready.

    If your boyfriend gives up on you and says your relationship is over then accept it. Hurt it may cause you but far better to be single and unattached and happy to be the way you want to be rather that have a boyfriend who wants his own selfish way.

    Poppi
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hey, I'm also in agreement with Kermit. You might find TheSite.org's article - am I ready for sex - helpful too. Take care. :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess another question to ask is what else the two of you have been up to.

    If so far it's been kissing and cuddling on the sofa, then sex is a big leap. If you've been doing pretty much everything bar full sex then it's slightly different. If you're shy/nervous but happy then little steps could be the best way forward.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Scary Monster wrote: »
    I guess another question to ask is what else the two of you have been up to.

    If so far it's been kissing and cuddling on the sofa, then sex is a big leap. If you've been doing pretty much everything bar full sex then it's slightly different. If you're shy/nervous but happy then little steps could be the best way forward.

    I was going to go down these lines with my advice. If you haven't gone all that far with each other already and want to hold off full sex a little longer, try blow-jobs. I guarantee that'll buy you some time! :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you feel ready just do it, he has been extremely patient already. You won't regret it if it's with someone you love and it felt right. So does it feel like the right thing to do? I also think it won't mean he's walking all over you if you have sex. In relationships I think, if you're comfortable with it and the other really wants to do it (for anything, not necessarily sexual) you do it because it will make them happy and chances are you will enjoy it too. Do it before the pressure gets even stronger. Although yer i agree with the blow job thing if you do want to buy time, and maybe as soon as you feel pressure lifted, have sex so you feel it was more on your terms. So are you ready? Don't let it turn into a power struggle with your boy friend.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    is there a special reason why youre waiting?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was waiting because first i wasnt ready, then i was antibiotics for months and i couldnt be on the pill (I think that's a safe way to go?) and now its purely because he's been pressuring me.
    I do love him, but your right about the power struggle thing, Im going to talk to him about it, he should understand, but your right also that i do love him and i do feel safe with him, so i can't really regret it that much the next morning? Plus i guess the first time is always the hardest and its not a big a mile stone as its cracked up to be right?

    Its just been a big surprise to me that he would put me in this position, that's what the issue is i guess, i feel kinda betrayed... that sound stupid i know and it seems it to me too. I think this has all turned out to be a much bigger issue than its worth. Its just worrying me too much, im just going to get it over with.

    Thanks so much for your help guys, i apprieciate it x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh sorry, and yes, we've done everything but.
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