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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
some of you might remember what happened in summer..i don't really want to go into it again but it was traumatic. my ex has just sent a friend's request on facebook asking how i am at uni.

this is so strange, i feel like crying.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My only suggestion would be - don't rush into replying to this. Take your time before deciding whether to say anything at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    see i am an idiot and replied just saying 'i dont really know what to say..i am good..how are you?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In that case, I'd keep it as vague as possible. Don't bother getting bogged down with details - at least not now. It's in the past, no point dwelling on it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just rang my friend up and she said she would have rejected it.

    I think it is morbid curiosity. It's drudging up feelings I don't want to think about right now. If he responds I may just be honest and say I want to leave it and not talk or just ignore altogether? Why do I feel like this
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    stargalaxy wrote: »
    In that case, I'd keep it as vague as possible. Don't bother getting bogged down with details - at least not now. It's in the past, no point dwelling on it.

    stargalaxy is talking lots of sense, in both posts. Don't worry about the fact you've replied straight away, but I wouldn't be surprised if guilt has caught up with this guy and you owe him nothing.

    ETA: Have just seen this...
    If he responds I may just be honest and say I want to leave it and not talk or just ignore altogether?

    Again, no need to rush this decision. Perhaps see what he has to say for himself, but you know you can relish the fact you don't need this guy in your life now. It's totally understandable that you're feeling a whirlwind of emotions, it was a massively traumatic time and for him to try and swan back into your life so casually is very surreal I imagine.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're probably feeling this way, because it was an incredibly shit thing to happen. If this guy says he's feeling guilty, that would ring alarm bells, in my book. Why only now? The time for feeling guilty would have been straight after the event, not a few months later. I'd take any admissions of guilt or remorse with a large pinch of salt.
    **helen** wrote: »
    stargalaxy is talking lots of sense...
    I never thought I'd hear you saying that. :p
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    stargalaxy wrote: »
    I never thought I'd hear you saying that. :p

    I never thought I'd type it either! :razz:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmmm he hasn't said that he's feeling guilty at all. Just the casual, 'are you loving uni?' psssh. Kinda beating myself up now that I responded so soon plus the fact that I added him shows weakness on my part. The feelings that it's drudging up is how much I loved him and a sadness because it reminds me of that time. Also a bit concerned what my boyfriend is going to think when he logs into facebook and sees that he is on my friend's list.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd agree with that. New boyfriend, new beginnings and all that. Since this guy appears to have re-opened the wound, I suggest closing it once again. Are you happy with your new boyfriend?
    **helen** wrote: »
    I never thought I'd type it either! :razz:
    Mod doesn't like Stargalaxy shocker. It's no wonder I never win Post of the Week. :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stargalaxy wrote: »
    I'd agree with that. New boyfriend, new beginnings and all that. Since this guy appears to have re-opened the wound, I suggest closing it once again. Are you happy with your new boyfriend? Bitch. :p

    very happy.

    I spoke to my friend about it just now and she basically said (in a message) 'tell him to stuff it lol x'

    But I guess no one else understands the relationship I had with him. We were extremely close and I trusted him implicitly. We could finish each other's sentences it was that intimate. It was a fun time so it makes me feel sad about everything.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Some things are rectifiable... If you regret adding him and replying, then delete him and don't reply again at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    very happy. I spoke to my friend about it just now and she basically said (in a message) 'tell him to stuff it lol x'
    Sums up my advice pretty well, I think.
    But I guess no one else understands the relationship I had with him. We were extremely close and I trusted him implicitly. We could finish each other's sentences it was that intimate. It was a fun time so it makes me feel sad about everything.
    Does that excuse what he did?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    no not really. is there an unsend option on facebook?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Given some of the things I've sent on Facebook, I wish there was. Don't beat yourself up - can't blame you for responding. Just don't bother saying anything more. End the conversation - for example, tell him you've got to go a lecture now. Let bygones be bygones.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it is morbid curiosity.

    Morbid curiosity made me look up my ex on Facebook just to see...I don't know what. But I can just about understand why you're confused.

    If he replies then just try and keep it ambiguous. Have you accepted it yet or have you just replied to the message? Keep him on your restricted profile and don't give anything away. I know you were close but like sg says it doesn't forgive what he did and you owe him nothing.

    Hope you're ok xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah I replied briefly (dohhh) and he still hasnt replied yet even tho he is online. Maybe he's keeping me waiting on purpose?? :confused: It was quite useful before cuz his network is set as Japan for some weird reason so there was no way I could view his profile anyway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe you still have feelings for him but you have a current boyfriend now and it's causing a conflict of emotions?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah I replied briefly and he still hasnt replied yet even tho he is online. Maybe he's keeping me waiting on purpose?
    Well, who knows what he's up to?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yerascrote wrote: »
    Maybe you still have feelings for him but you have a current boyfriend now and it's causing a conflict of emotions?

    yeah i definitely admit i still have feelings for him, it's hard to throw away. i don't think it's coming into conflict because i know that my ex let me down and because of that we will never get back together and i love rob the guy i'm with now and he treats me well so that is an enormous plus. i'm not still in love with my ex but i have the strong acknowledgement that i did love him..it's hard to explain how i'm feeling right now
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just rang my friend up and she said she would have rejected it.

    That's stupid imho. Don't act like the recalcitrant child. Being friends on facebook means shit. Just answer his question reluctantly and as superficial as possible and the questions very soon will cease. Cry on the inside, but don't demonstrate that you are broken. You have a new boyfriend and it's nothing of his business. If you aren't over it (but you said you did), at least act like it's not of any bother to you. Because very soon it won't anymore.

    If he keeps mooching up to you, messaging you etc. tell him, that you don't feel like talking to him much for what happened, but for the love of god don't be nasty or otherwise weird.

    the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but being friends on faceboook usually means you are friends with them
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but being friends on faceboook usually means you are friends with them

    Ironically, this is the first post I spotted after just deleting over 40 "friends" from my facebook list of people I haven't seen in years and/or have no interest in ever seeing again. Being facebook friends doesn't mean you're friends in real life.

    I don't know what happened in the summer, but I'm guessing its not good, so take your time to reply to him if he messages you again, and remember you don't owe him anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but being friends on faceboook usually means you are friends with them

    oh does it? If Facebook is akin to one of those network sites I use, then the experience I made with it is, that you have that guy that sells you your hotdogs on there (well, slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean).

    if you put him on 'block' without any further word it just appears poor, imho, even tho he might deserve it. In the sense, that you show weakness. that might be a personal thing of me, however. Even if I'd think about my ex, I wouldn't show angry or sad emotions out of the blue. Act like you don't notice him any more as the oxygen you breathe, because that's how it should be (and it usually helps me, thinking like that, because the progress of not bothering goes quicker)

    Ignore him, no prob. maybe (as someone said) give him restricted use to look at your profile if that's possible, but - and like I said it's my personal thing to handle things like that - do not demonstrate "hate" or "bitterness", just unconcern, indifference, etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Personally, don't think it's a good idea for you two to talk until you feel like you are more over what happened. It seems like talking again too soon might start to drudge up some old feelings and might drag you down and you don't need that right now.

    Nobody but you can decide if you are ready to talk to him again but I think time is a healer in this case.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're not alone feeling pathetically moved by a Facebook add :razz: Not saying you're pathetic or anything, was just trying to empathise (maybe not all that effectively). My ex added me a few weeks ago and it really threw me despite our being done and dusted and then some. Facebook can be pretty evil and throw you through some loops.

    As for whether you should've accepted/messaged with him, well that's between you and your God. Don't feel bad about having accepted him, but if it is making you feel awkward and unsteady then don't think twice about deleting him. Do only what's going to cause you the least upset.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He replied in a really friendly way asking me if I had completed my driving lessons? An angry part of me wanted to reply..No I was in hospital. But I've deleted him now without replying. Part of me wanted to reply 'I don't think it's a good idea for us to talk' but as someone else said I don't owe him anything right? So no reply and he is off my friends list so now I can't see his profile. I just need to try and forget about it but I am still a bit thrown by it all. If I had carried on speaking to him then it would have turned quite venomous and arguementative from my side and there is no way it can be reconciled. Not even an apology. I wouldn't do what he did to my worse enemy which doesn't really apply because you'd have to be dating your worse enemy.. Hmmm!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He replied in a really friendly way asking me if I had completed my driving lessons? An angry part of me wanted to reply..No I was in hospital. But I've deleted him now without replying.

    I think you did the right thing. You don't owe him anything and you need to think what is best for yourself.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    lipsy wrote: »
    I think you did the right thing. You don't owe him anything and you need to think what is best for yourself.
    :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but being friends on faceboook usually means you are friends with them
    I wish everyone ran their Facebook and MySpace accounts according to that principle. I refuse to believe that anyone has 20,000 friends, as I've seen on some profiles.
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