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Virginity question!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
hi

i lost my virginity in 2003 when i was 20-21. I had sex with my bf about 50 or so times over a period of 3 months, got pregnant.....had an abortion at 10 weeks, had sex 6 times after that and havent had it again to date....its 2008 now! i havent told my fiance abt my past and i am scared that he might notice that i am not a virgin. WIll he notice if he is experienced? or inexperienced?

please help!

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    is there a special reason you need him to think youre a virgin?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yes. i told him that i was a virgin and he is a very nice man who loves me a lot but kind of the jealous sort. he wont understand that i was young and stupid back then. i wasnt proud of having sex cuz i wanted to save myself till i got married. my fiance loves me more cuz he thinks i am not one of the deviant girls who give into peer pressure. basically, its a lie that i can no longer go back on :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, you can't enter into a marriage with a lie like that, can you?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think its a bit too late now isnt it? so, anybody know whether he'll be able to notice or not if he is inexperienced or experienced? not that he says he is experienced :P
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    http://www.hymenrepair.co.uk/index.htm ;)

    But seriously, if he is also a virgin, (though I don't know what sex feels like for a man) I doubt very much he'll be able to tell the difference. Unfortunatly I can't say how much of a difference there will be.

    If for one you are worried about the hymen and the first blood, hymens break naturally all the time, thru tampons, sports, some women never have them. So thats really not something a man should look for anyways.

    Vaginas don't stretch and stay after having sex, the hotdog down a hallway euphamism isn't exactly right ;)

    In an ideal world I, and others would porbably say to tell him. In a relationship something as trivial as that should be easily and openly talked about, especially if it is a big deal to him. Unfortunatly its not an ideal world.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so, u think he will notice? even though i havent had sex for 4-5 yrs now?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In my opinion, you should stop worrying about whether or not he'll notice, and start worrying about your relationship. I personally cannot for one minute imagine entering into a marriage based on a lie about something so personal - he should know!
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    BunnieBunnie Posts: 6,099 Master Poster
    I am sorry, but I cannot believe you are willing to marry someone who doesnt know important things like that about you.

    IMHO I dont think you should enter a life long commitment if you are worried about what he will say. If he loved you he would understand, and if he doesnt understand you shouldnt be getting married.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Will he be able to tell? Probably not.
    Should you tell him? Yes.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's not fair on your fiance. He thinks he's marrying a virgin, which you're certainly not.

    He should know about your past. If he's not a virgin himself then he shouldn't have a problem with you not being a virgin. If he does have a problem then he's a hypocrite.


    On a side note, your username means 'naked man'... :confused:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I donn't think he'll notice. What you do with regard to telling him the truth, that's up to you. If he doesn't love you for who you are, including your past that has made you what you are today, does he really love you? Without telling him, showing him who you really are, he hasn't had the opportunity to discover whether he really loves YOU, the whole you, the real you. Up to you though. I would tell, but then I wouldn't be with someone who wanted a virgin.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why is it so important that your future husband knows whether you've had sex, or how many he's lost it with? I really don't think this matters at all. It looks like a little white lie to me. In any case, even if he did suspect you were lying, he'd have no way of proving it. I don't see what the problem here is. You said something a bit silly a few years ago. Perhaps that's where this should stay?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fuck sake, what's it to him if your a virgin or not? He's obviously blinkered if he thinks a 25-26 yerar old woman is a virgin. Likelihood is very small, just tell him. What's there to be jealous of? Cos you had sex with an ex-boyfriend 5 years ago, GIVE ME A BREAK!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it's a big deal. I would want to know the sexual history of my fiance, especially if its between having had sex or not. If i thought i was their first but i wasn't, if i ever found out i'd be devestated but i think i would get over it if i loved them enough. I wouldn't be able to live lying because i know it would bug me all the time i was with him but i spose if it doesnt bother you thats different. Still, i would tell him, especially if you're going to spend the rest of your life with this person.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firstly, it's your body. If he respects you, then he should know that having sex in the past was your choice and that the fact that somebody happens to have sex means nothing more than... That they had sex.

    It doesn't pre-determine who you are at all.

    Secondly. You are lying.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you're not.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    its better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you're not.

    Definitely!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    which country are you from?

    are religious beliefs a part of this problem?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    its better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you're not.

    Yup totally agree!

    He loves who he thinks you are. I think you should tell him the truth, not much of a start to the marriage if you don't.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If he is an experienced man i think he will be able to tell. 50 times is a lot.

    but pose yourself these scenarios:

    you tell him now, you talk about it, you tell him why you told him you were a virgin in the first place and work from there.

    your married, you consumate, he notices...

    He doesnt notice, yet for some compelling reason years down the line you tell him.

    whats worse?

    better entering into a marriage with NO secrets.

    Also, if you tell him this now, although he might be a bit angry, he knows he will be able to trust you

    ;)

    Mike
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really think you should just tell him. Marriage is about being yourself with someone and you have lied to him which was a really stupid, selfish, thoughtless thing to do and the only way to fix it is to tell him. If he doesnt want to marry you he obviously doesnt truly love you but bear in mind he is going to be hurt that you lied. if you really loved him you would be honest with him
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hope you can sort it.

    I'd vote for honesty.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ilora-Danon wrote: »
    In my opinion, you should stop worrying about whether or not he'll notice, and start worrying about your relationship. I personally cannot for one minute imagine entering into a marriage based on a lie about something so personal - he should know!

    :yes:

    Marriage is for life.

    So your decision is now, because the longer you leave it the worse it gets.

    Do you tell him now, work it through (it's not a big deal anyway, I would be upset if someone lied to me, but not because they weren't a virgin), get married and live happily ever after.

    Or get married and live with this lie for the rest of your life.

    Trust me, the guilt will eat away at you and sap what is good out of your relationship.

    Seriously, why the hell do people make lies like this up anyway? It just hurts everyone involved, and it's completely and utterly pointless. It's like shooting yourself and everyone around you in the head. Do a cost benefit analysis, there's no benefit at all, whatever the outcome you still lose - you get to live with guilt or he finds out.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    all i can say is women and men can tell!!

    just tell him the truth, if he really loves you he willunderstand. You dont have to go into detail about how many time unless he asks but i would recommend that you do tell him before you get married.

    Have a clean slate before becoming his wife. :thumb:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i agree with everyone who says you should tell him, i also agree with those that say he shouldnt care, if he loves you he may well be angry at being lied to but he will forgive you, if he doesnt then what kinda sicko has a virgin fetish anyway? this is the twenty first centuary your not gonna be banished or stoned to death for not being a virgin when you wed your husband.

    like someone else said details arent important but he should know that you arent a virgin before he marries you, your not being fair to him by pretending to be something your not, i'd ask yourself the question whether you really love him if your prepaired to lie about something like that,
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    SkiveSkive Posts: 15,286 Skive's The Limit
    He should know this stuff - it's important for for BOTH of you.
    You shouldn't be lying and to him it shouldn't matter.

    Sounds a bit of a farce to be honest.
    Weekender Offender 
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You really should tell him. Not sharing what must have been quite a traumatic time in life with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with isn't a great way to build and strong and loving relationship.

    I don't see why he'd have a problem with you not being a virgin, but no I doubt he'd notice that you're not.
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