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I just need advice
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've had this going round in my mind for three months and it's driving me mad.
Okay... my boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship and he's everything I wanted. However, a few months ago I read his text messages while he was asleep. I don't know why I did it - I can honestly say I think I was just being nosey, because I didn't expect to find anything of interest. But I really regret it now because what I did find upset me.
Basically, a girl had been texting him; some harmless things about films and books, but others that said she had been thinking about him while naked in the shower, that she was "wearing the skirt he liked" and asking him to send photos.
I couldn't find anything bad in the replies he sent, except an agreement to meet up with her. The texts seemed to stop after that.
He told me that she was someone he met on Myspace who kept talking to him because she had seen his photo and liked the look of him. He said he had never met her and that he didn't like the sexual messages she sent, hence why he hadn't replied to them. Realistically, he isn't the sort of person to send "sex texts" to people (he doesn't even do it to me), but since finding this stuff it feels like I don't know the real him any more.
Since then, he's apologised and said he knows it was stupid to get into that situation, but he has refused to go over again and hasn't elaborated. I cry every time I bring it up (even though I try not to).
Deep down I know he's probably telling the truth, as he's a fantastic boyfriend in every other way. His reasons, as silly as they may sound to everyone else, could totally be true because he's the sort of person to let someone say anything to him without telling them to leave him alone.
But without my questions being answered, I'm blowing the whole thing up into an awful situation in my head.
Okay... my boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship and he's everything I wanted. However, a few months ago I read his text messages while he was asleep. I don't know why I did it - I can honestly say I think I was just being nosey, because I didn't expect to find anything of interest. But I really regret it now because what I did find upset me.
Basically, a girl had been texting him; some harmless things about films and books, but others that said she had been thinking about him while naked in the shower, that she was "wearing the skirt he liked" and asking him to send photos.
I couldn't find anything bad in the replies he sent, except an agreement to meet up with her. The texts seemed to stop after that.
He told me that she was someone he met on Myspace who kept talking to him because she had seen his photo and liked the look of him. He said he had never met her and that he didn't like the sexual messages she sent, hence why he hadn't replied to them. Realistically, he isn't the sort of person to send "sex texts" to people (he doesn't even do it to me), but since finding this stuff it feels like I don't know the real him any more.
Since then, he's apologised and said he knows it was stupid to get into that situation, but he has refused to go over again and hasn't elaborated. I cry every time I bring it up (even though I try not to).
Deep down I know he's probably telling the truth, as he's a fantastic boyfriend in every other way. His reasons, as silly as they may sound to everyone else, could totally be true because he's the sort of person to let someone say anything to him without telling them to leave him alone.
But without my questions being answered, I'm blowing the whole thing up into an awful situation in my head.
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Comments
Everytime his phone is around but he isnt (be that asleep or whatever) you'll think about checking it.
It's a slippery slope my friend, you'll find yourself reading his messages all too often and more than not finding something when theres nothing really there.
Just try to concentrate on being happy, dont worry about what ifs. if a 'what if' is really true, it will come out in the end and you can deal with it then.
Besides, you're saying I found stuff "that wasn't there", when in actual fact the things she said to him were hurtful and I don't think I was reading things into it... I don't think it's okay for her to say things like that to him and for him to then agree to meet her in person knowing that she had feelings for him and not even telling her that he was already in a relationship.
yeah you shouldn't have gone through his phone but you know that already so you don't need me to tell you. my opinion is that everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves a second chance, depending on the situation.
whatever happens now there will most likely always be that bit of doubt in your head. and unanswered questions such as why didnt he say he was in relationship and why didnt he tell you about this girl beforehand. what you need to decide is whether you can move on from this and trust your boyfriend or whether you will always be questioning him?
when it happened to me, i carried on, but no matter how much i tried to cover up the doubt was always there. hence why he's now my ex lol. but anyway, from my own experience you can't have a relationship without trust. you need to ask yourself why he wont answer your questions and why he isnt making you feel secure and then decide how you want to move on.
good luck with it and i hope it all works out. feel free to pm anytime
PG x
Can totally see why you're concerned and yeah even though you did wrong, you still have the right to be upset. I reckon that sometimes when people get pushed into a corner (blokes in particular) and especially if the other person is upset they close off completely because they just don't want to deal with it.
I'd give yourself time to think about exactly what you want to say and approach it in a calm way. Tears can sometimes freak people out. It isn't because they dont care. They just don't know how to deal with it.
If he's the good boyfriend like you said he is then I'm sure he's as eager to resolve it as you.
Just because she said something to him, doesn't mean it's his fault. I could register a myspace and leave you some sexual inneundo in the guestbook and send the link to you boyfriend. Why should that hurt your boyfriends trust towards you? If you do trust him - and it seems you can, because from what you tell he's a sensible guy - then do that unrestricted.
Just because some ho writes your boyfriend shit doesn't mean it's endangering your relationship, especially as he stopped replying and closed the case.
yeah but she said something about wearing the skirt that he likes...suspiciousssssssss
Well, if he leaves her a comment on myspace about a photo, like "hey, I like that skirt." because of whatever reason. cool tailoring, cool colour, someone I know has the same, or even "it looks fine on you", are all acceptable things in my book (the latter probably a bit of a grey zone).
There are more reasons this is not something sexual related, imho.
Hmm, that could be from a random conversation of "ooo, been shopping today and bought a nice long non-revealing skirt" and him saying "Good, I like women not to show much flesh. Please wear it if we ever meet up".
Unlikely, but still
That's probably exactly what happened
me not.
so it's an individual thing, I guess.
Nah, mine isn't either. Well, I do have to have chatted with them at least, but it's certainly not just for people I'm close to.
Not quite the same but a few months ago my husband (who was my boyfriend then) got a text from his ex... I knew who it was from as it had come in whilst he was in the loo and I saw her name clear as day... I handed it to him when he came back, told him he had a text. He read it and when I asked him who it was from he said 'oh, only ... wanting to see if I was over my hangover' - luckily I decided to tell him there and then I knew it was from his ex (if I hadn't my stomach would have been tied up in knots!)... he looked completely caught out and when I asked him why he had lied he just said 'it was easier to as he didnt want me to get the wrong idea' - as it was the ex had just texted to see how he was (admittedly she said 'how are things going between you and splodgey' which from a girl to a girl i think is a little shitty as she knew we were getting married) but I genuinely think he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to go through the 'what does it mean' angst... I told him to never lie to me again about that kind of thing as I had no problem with him being in contact with her, I just don't do lying... he agreed and as far as I know has been true to his word since.
Ultimately I think if you love him and you trust him, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt...
:yes: I love technology, but the trouble it can bring into relationships can be a pain in the butt sometimes
vick_stitch, might be worth having a look at TheSite's article on snooping if you haven't already as there are some handy perspectives there.
If she had messaged him and he hadn't responded, it wouldn't have been such a big deal. But not telling her about me and her mentioning him liking her skirt are two things I can't forget.
When I cry, I freak him out and this annoys me. I know he cares, but I wish he'd just let me get it off my chest.
Anyway, I'm not sure what my next step is going to be, but I'll take everything on board.
He probably doesn't say anything else about this because there's nothing else to say about it. You should really to forget about this and move on.
If you trust him enough, you have no reason to go through his phone.
:eek2:
Thing is, if they ARE innocent, the only person at fault is the person snooping through their partners phone! Nobody would've been hurt, otherwise!
Hear, hear! :yes:
Why the hell do so many women persist in going through their partners phones?! :eek2:
Why should he explain anything? If anything YOU are the one who has some explaining to do.
Do you actually trust him or not? I'm only asking because if you did, you'd have no reason to go through his phone.
Being blunt - what exactly is wrong with his actions though if his part in it was innocent?
To my mind, there were a couple of possible errors of judgement, but fundamentally he hasn't committed any crimes of the heart.
YOU're the one who went digging through his phone and you've even said his replies were not leading anything on (apart from one about meeting up)!
Hey - so what if he has a female friend that you don't know about?! Maybe he does know her from myspace and thought she has a nice skirt etc. People do have some private elements to their lives, even from their partners.
Unless he has actually cheated on you (as in, properly, not something in your head, and no, meeting up with somebody doesn't fall under this) he hasn't done anything wrong and you're just being WAY over the top and making this out to be something much, MUCH bigger than it needs to be.
so much easier than all this sneeking about malarkey, and the day he gets bothered is the day i'll start worrying :rolleyes:
and btw if he'd said in the very beginning that his phone was a private thing i would have absolutely accepted it; i'd never go through someone's phone whose permission i didn't have unless i knew something was going on and needed evidence to throw in their faces...
but from this i would say he's just been a bit dim. i wouldn't be suspicious about it to be honest.
Exactly.
In a way it seems like you're desperate to make out like he's committed some heinous crime in order to cover the fact that you were being sneaky/nosey/untrusting by going through his phone.
I'd leave it.
In my opinion, YOU fucked up, HE hasn't done anything really wrong, and you don't like this.
And even then there's nothing wrong with meeting up with people of the opposite sex.
:yes: Just because he said that she was wearing a nice skirt, doesn't always mean he he fancies her. I had a friend of mine do this to me last year - he said I looked nice (or something like that) but I knew that didn't mean he fancied me or anything like that.
I've never understood this either. And it's not something I'd personally do either.
You do need to understand that he has other friends that are female - doesn't always mean that there's something going on between them.
I don't understand going through phones either. Only time i did it when i was being nosy and the bloke i was with was slaggin me off so it actually turned out ok, but i'm not one for doing it usually. I've thrown a bloke out for going through my phone when i was asleep
I think you should just let it go. If it turns out to be something bad then so be it. No point going on bout it when you don't know is there.
Aye, and bursting into tears and histrionics all the time soon wears thin if you're on the receiving end of it.
Yeah i get that all the time...men eh!