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Are you ready to have kids?
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
in General Chat
Women:
to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men:
To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the
contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket and Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
Go home, Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they
have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training,table manners and
overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't ! get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out.
3. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical people carrier. And don't think that you
can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family Cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
2. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin, insert it into the CD player then remove it with a lump hammer
4. Take a family size pack of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6
Get ready to go out.
1. Plan to got out at 1pm but wait until 1:15 to get ready
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path/driveway.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times .
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to
a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have
more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries
without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat
eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
Test 10
Learn the names of every character from Thomas the Tank Engine, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney, and all the songs of the Wiggles and Tweenies. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.
Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.
5. How does that look?
Test 12
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter (Journalist turned Z list celebrity with a voice that would shatter glass) shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.
Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy"
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" Tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a
conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
6. Do NOT change. You have no time.
7. Go directly to work.
Test 15
Go for a drive, but first...
1. Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
5. For the really adventurous...... Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.
If you pass all 15 tests CONGRATULATIONS!! You are now
ready to
have kids
to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men:
To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the
contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket and Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
Go home, Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they
have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training,table manners and
overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't ! get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out.
3. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical people carrier. And don't think that you
can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family Cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
2. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin, insert it into the CD player then remove it with a lump hammer
4. Take a family size pack of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6
Get ready to go out.
1. Plan to got out at 1pm but wait until 1:15 to get ready
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path/driveway.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times .
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to
a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have
more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries
without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat
eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
Test 10
Learn the names of every character from Thomas the Tank Engine, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney, and all the songs of the Wiggles and Tweenies. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.
Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.
5. How does that look?
Test 12
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter (Journalist turned Z list celebrity with a voice that would shatter glass) shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.
Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy"
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" Tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a
conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
6. Do NOT change. You have no time.
7. Go directly to work.
Test 15
Go for a drive, but first...
1. Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
5. For the really adventurous...... Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.
If you pass all 15 tests CONGRATULATIONS!! You are now
ready to
have kids
Beep boop. I'm a bot.
0
Comments
I'd raise him in the mountains. Or her. Amazons are awesome.
I think that every parent test should include walking through a dark room barefoot across a minefield of legos without making a sound when they slice your foot open or you go careening into the entertainment center cause that would wake the kid up you just patted back to sleep.
Ugh. Legos.
"Lego". Only an American would shorten "lego bricks" to "legos"
LOL! spot on!
if I start to believe its not that bad, I volunteer to babysit.....
Like grandparents, I really love children, especially when I get to give them back.
Maybe after 5-8 years, but not now.
Let me party a bit :thumb:
I cannot remember the last time I just put my coat and shoes on and walked out the door. :no:
well you do have 6 of them!
I don't think anyone can ever be really ready for kids, because you don't have a choice once they're here!
I absolutely cannot stand children. I'm *sure* that will change, given time, but my dislike is bordering on hatred. No idea why, to be honest.
Ha same. All that mess as well. :yuck:
Today this little brat was fidgety in the bus, because her mum teased her with "woodshy woodshy woooo" tickling moves. That toddler stepped on my foot repeatedly, nearly knocked my book out of the hand etc.
some kid crawled on all 4 around stacked full bus until someone accidently stepped onto his finger. SCREEEAAAMING, bloody murder.
ugh... if my partner would be knocked up and decide to get it I join the Foreign Legion. I'm just a kid myself... giving me responsibility over a kid would be prosecuteable.
you deliver, mate.
:yeees: God help her if it happens then.....:p