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rape: telling my mum
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i was raped last wednesday night. spent thursday morning in hospital and thursday afternoon in the police station. im at uni, and im 22, and female. a few of my friends know and my uni tutor. at first i was adament that i wasnt going to tell my mum, but everybody thinks i should. including the police, doctors etc etc.
i dont want her to go through it and i dont want her to be scared to let me go anywhere on my own.
im going home tomorrow. and i am now considering telling her, but i dont have a clue how to do it. i really dont think i could tell her face to face. i dont want to see her reaction.
i was thinking of sending her an email today so she would know by the time ive got home tomorrow, but is that really cruel? i really dont know what to do. im finding it hard enough to deal with myself, without feeling guilty about telling her. and the other thing is i really couldnt bare her telling my dad, but he lives with her so i dont want to be the cause of problems between them. the more i think about it, the more it seems like a bad idea to tell her.
can anyone give me advice on what to do? or has anyone been in this situation before??
thanks x x
i dont want her to go through it and i dont want her to be scared to let me go anywhere on my own.
im going home tomorrow. and i am now considering telling her, but i dont have a clue how to do it. i really dont think i could tell her face to face. i dont want to see her reaction.
i was thinking of sending her an email today so she would know by the time ive got home tomorrow, but is that really cruel? i really dont know what to do. im finding it hard enough to deal with myself, without feeling guilty about telling her. and the other thing is i really couldnt bare her telling my dad, but he lives with her so i dont want to be the cause of problems between them. the more i think about it, the more it seems like a bad idea to tell her.
can anyone give me advice on what to do? or has anyone been in this situation before??
thanks x x
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Comments
I can't offer much more advice I'm afraid, just to say I hope things get better soon.
Take care
I can understand why you don't want to tell her but I think its really important because she will be able to support you and love you whilst you go through the next stage, which may lead to a court case and also for any counselling you need etc.
Sorry to hear about what happened
What the fuck gives anyone else the right to decide for you who you should and shouldnt tell before you are completely ready to?
You have no obligation to tell anyone.
Do you feel like your mum could support you in this, and youd like her to be there for you and help you, and is it just the actual telling that freaks you out? Or is it that you just dont want her to know just yet because it will make it even harder to deal with?
Hugs to you Clara. I really hope you do have plenty of support of the type YOU want and need.
She wanted our opinions and I gave mine. She doesn't have to do anything I said - thats pretty obvious isn't it! fs
Id tell my mum for sure - id want that support, but not everyones mums are the same.
Hugs for you
lol ok then, sorry
I know you've said before that your family aren't the most supportive- would you get support from her? If you will get genuine non-judgemental support then I think that you should tell her, but I don't think you have an obligation to tell her and I don't think you should feel pressured to tell her.
I'm so sorry that you've come back in such circumstances. If you want to PM me feel free, I do have some experience of this sort of thing that I don't want to talk about on here.
I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through - you have done the right thing re. the police etc and I commend you for that. I have been in a similar position but didn't follow it through and it has always been something I regretted.
As for who you tell, you tell who you want to, when and if you want to. My Mum doesn't know to this day but my brother does. I am sure my Mum would be hurt if she found out I hadn't told her, but it was a decision I made at the time and I felt it was the right one.
The only thing I would say is that if the police are involved and a court case could ensue, you want to make sure your Mum hears it from you rather than through other channels. If you decide you do want to tell her then I think the idea of writing a letter and giving it to her when you are together is a good one.
*hugs again... good luck with whatever you decide
just gotta find that courage and tell who you want
Whatever you do though, please don't do it via e-mail, that would be so unbelievably cruel [/parental plea].
i really do believe my mum would support me, but i just know that it will hurt her so much, and i dont want to do that to her. i do need support and i know i cant solely rely on my friends for that because that would be unfair, but i really dont want to hurt my mum even though i know it wasnt my fault, i dont want to have to put her through it.
and as for telling her to her face, i know she will cry and i dont want to see that. that sounds so selfish but i dont think i could cope seeing her that upset.
but i know that my mum would be SO hurt if i dont tell her now and she finds out later in my life somehow. im so confussed
i have decided to drop the charges for reasons i dont really want to discus on here, but i think ive done the right thing.
I'm really sorry that you've had to go through this. It will never be easy. Do what will help you. If that's talking to your mum, then go for it, and if it's chatting to people online, then do that instead. People on here are always willing to help and many people will probably understand the position that you're in.
Big hugs to help you get through this. If you want to chat, feel free to PM me.
all the best of luck though in hoping the person gets caught
*Hugs*
You know, you should do what you feel most comfortable with, what you think will help best.
You don't sound selfish at all, if anything you sound completely selfless, but you know... Without trying to worry you, maybe your mother will realise something is wrong with you when you're back. Please don't be ashamed of this hurting anybody else around you, it hurts them because they love you... And there is nothing to be ashamed of there.
Keep the strength up, time will make it easier and do not forget we are all here, Good luck xxx
If you feel she would be supportive, then mabe you need to find a way ad just get that horrible first bit over and done with, so she is able to be there for you when you most need her.
I'm sure any mum would want to know if their daughter had been through something like this.
just wanted to send you my love really. everyone else has given you some good advice.
i'm really sorry that you are going through this.
take care of yourself sweetie
xx
As for how to do it, it'll be really hard to judge what you're going to say and how you're going to tell her until you're in the situation. It's so hard to even SAY these things, the words get stuck in your throat and when I've had to share this kind of news it's always turned into some kind of awful guessing game where they've almost had to extract the story. Just sit down with her, somewhere where you have total privacy and comfort and at a time when you have all the time in the world to tell her, and to deal together with the aftermath of having told her. It's so, so scary, but I'm sure you will be able to gather a lot of strength from the support she'll try and give you, definitely give her the opportunity to be there for you and to give you some strength that is probably much needed right now.
You have been so, so brave and strong this far. There is nothing selfish about letting your mother take some of the weight off and look after you. Take care, as daft as it sounds I'm sending you a million virtual hugs.
I have no pearls of wisdom but wanted to show that I have read and feel the same way as omg hi.
Hope you manage to come to a decision soon.
xx
hugs
thanks so much for all your replies. i ended up drunkenly telling my brother who then made me tell my mum, it was really emotional and there were lots of tears, but at least its all out in the open. i went to see a GP the next day just to talk to which was quite helpful, im just lost at what to do now...
im halfway through a 5 year degree, and even before this happened i was having trouble coping with various things. im thinking of taking the rest of the year off and restarting year 3 in september, but i really dont know if this is a good idea.
i really want to complete my degree and dropping out isnt an option, i dont want that scum bag to wreck my life even more. but im not sure how much leniancy the university will give me if i stick at it this year. im going to get in touch with the uni next week and discuss my options. i just really dont want to end up making a decision i will regret.
thanks for all your help everyone xxxxx
At least its done, and you dont have to make that particular decision anymore.
Hope youre ok.
I'm glad you came out with your family. Hope they are supporting you as much as you need
A friend of mine got raped last year, and the guy who did it has just been put away for 8 years. She found it hard telling people too; espacially her mum. But she managed too as well, and her relationship with her mum has grown stronger because of it.
I know you must be feeling such a mix of things right now, but the best thing that can see you through is having as much support around you as possible. It's so hard to ask for it sometimes, and you sound like you've done incredibly with coping so far.
I hope you've been given numbers for specialist rape counsellors and stuff who can help you talk it through as well.
Don't rush into any decisions about the uni stuff, have a really good think about what will be your best option and make sure you're happy with your desition.