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I died 4 years ago
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
That was the day I did cocaine for the first time. I have been wasting all of my money on that every weekend for quite some time now. It will be the death of me - either health wise or purely because I end it all as it seems its the only way to stop it contolling me.
Or is it the drink - I only do it when I am drunk - problem is I am drunk very often. I know this sounds like a real down post but I think a lot of people are feeling the same way and just try to carry on with it.
I have tried at times to stop everything and stay in on a Friday night - when I do this I have an overwhelming feeling that I am missing out on the social event of the year. The sad fact is that its not the socialising I miss on a Friday when staying in, it is purely the drugs. I will quite often end up getting drugs delivered to my house near the end of the night during one of my 'strong willed' nights.
Sorry to moan, probably not the cheeriest of posts but has anyone any advice?
I want to be clean - for good but I seem not to be able to as I am unhappy when I'm not getting high and even worse when I have got high.
Or is it the drink - I only do it when I am drunk - problem is I am drunk very often. I know this sounds like a real down post but I think a lot of people are feeling the same way and just try to carry on with it.
I have tried at times to stop everything and stay in on a Friday night - when I do this I have an overwhelming feeling that I am missing out on the social event of the year. The sad fact is that its not the socialising I miss on a Friday when staying in, it is purely the drugs. I will quite often end up getting drugs delivered to my house near the end of the night during one of my 'strong willed' nights.
Sorry to moan, probably not the cheeriest of posts but has anyone any advice?
I want to be clean - for good but I seem not to be able to as I am unhappy when I'm not getting high and even worse when I have got high.
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Comments
If you feel like this then you need to stop or at least slow it down before it has more of a grip on you.
If you feel that you can't cut down and you want to be completely clean then Smitherz is right. You have to sever any ties you have to the drug world. Good luck mate.
:yes:
Little things set me off wanting it, I had a Film Studies exam on the film 'City Of God' (brilliant film) and during the Christmas holidays I was sitting at home watching it and revising but half way through the film I had to stop it and go and score some Coke just because I kept seeing them snorting it in the film. I hadn't touched it in a while before then either.
I got mine under control by only buying an 8 at a time and sharing it with my lass. When we are done with it, we are done with it and neither of us talks about wanting more. We also watch out for each other and keep each other in check. One night she was out of control and kept doing line after line after line (this is good stuff and very potent) and I had to tell her to stop. She scared me and that is why we both cut back.
Good luck!
http://drugscope.soutron.com/helpfinder.asp
I could definately use a wake up snuff every day.
In my experience with breaking habits, I honestly believe it's just will-power. I used to be an avid fingernail-chewer, with a lot of the blame going to my genes. I still do it but not as much at all. I just think about what I'm doing at the time and stop. Granted coke is slightly different. Addiction is annoying. I've been smoking for a couple years now and when the body wants something, it's hard to ignore it. More-so because it's a chemical reaction; an actual physical thing compelling you to fulfill it.
I didn't use to fit in, i used because i needed confidence. I had zero self confidence and cocaine gave me everything i needed. I didn't feel shy and embarrassed on it, and i had some amazing nights because of it.
However, one thing led to another and in the end, i moved onto crack cocaine. My entire life fell apart and I lost everything; my home, my health, my friends, my savings. I thought i'd be able to give up but it turns out it really wasn't that easy.
The whole point of this is to tell you, i haven't used crack/cocaine since March 6th 2006. Do i miss it? Of course, but i realise there are more important things in life i want than to be the life and sole of the party. It is possible, but from my experiences you have to REALLY want it. I'm not saying it's easy, because it really isn't and it is a long process too.
You say you only do coke when you're drunk and i suppose this is why most addicts stress the importance of total abstinence, because one thing inevitably does lead to another. I guess if you're really serious about being clean it's probably necessary to give up drinking too, especially in the early days when you are most susceptible to relapse.
(sorry for rambling!)
Yes mate, quality film.
i know what you mean pill'ed, seeing people smoke it in films still sets me off a bit, i watched children of men last week and when michael caine passes clive owen a spliff i was like 'damn clive, pass that shit over here'...the feeling passed tho, few years ago i would have reached for the tin or got on the blower to my dealer.
Yeah, unfortunately you really need to want to help yourself. Lots of people told me i was getting ill and taking things too far, but i wasn't ready to stop using, so i ignored them.
In my mind, addiction is a constant battle and the depressing part is, its going to be like this for the rest of my life. I knew someone very dearly who was 9 years clean and seemed to have it sussed. He overdosed on heroin late last year and died and honestly, i'm devastated. That's the reality of it really.
Don't get me wrong, drugs are fun and most of the time they did the trick, but where does it stop? I want to use all the time, the cravings haven't gone away, but i know if i use i will ruin the rest of my life. Perhaps right now that's the only thing keeping me clean, because i really never knew when it was time to say enough is enough.
It's funny that you mentioned films triggering off cravings. During one of my clean periods a couple of years ago, i watched 'The Business' and couldn't wait for the film to end so i could go and score. Lots of things trigger it. Sometimes i'll just be walking about Boots and i'll be able to smell coke. They say it doesn't have a smell, but i'm adamant it does!
(again, rambling, seems i don't know what a 'short reply' is)
I just worry that addiction is one of those things you don't realise is a problem until its too late. I NEVER feel like I need it nor do I crave it. I get the odd thought where I think "a line would go down nicely now" but thats usually after a couple of drinks and I get the same thing with weed and pills also.
As I said, stupid question, but I don't ever recall being addicted to anything and I just want to make sure I keep myself on track.
ETA: I've just searched on google and didn't find anything I was looking for.
-When you start thinking about it alot in your every day life.
-Also if talking about coke or watching someone snorting in a film makes you want it.
-When you start getting really angry when you can't get hold of any.
-When you can't turn down a line
-When you start resorting to petty theft or selling belongings to get the money for coke.
For the clinical definition of addiction from the Royal College of Physicians, follow this link, the table summarises it nicely. In practice though I am sure there are accepted criteria - I'll ask around and find out for you. General rule of thumb though, is that if you think you are using to much, then you probably are.
Definitely have a better idea now anyway, so mish accomplished.
deceelpool - I know exactly what you mean, if I go out and everyone else is getting trashed but I can't (for whatever reason) it feels like their on a different level to me and I usually end up having a bit of a shit night. It's like they're all on some sort of adventure but you're just sat there watching.