Ever been with someone just for the sake of it?

Former Member · January 2007

Starting to feel like I'm just with this guy who is crazy about me for the sake of it...I mean i like him alot and I can see a future together at a stretch, but right now it just feels like we're together for the sake of being together...

Anyone else had a similar exp.?

Former Member · January 2007

Well obviously something needs to change, you need to decide whether you want to put the work in to make it work, because if you drift on like this then it will fail.

Former Member · January 2007

foxysoxy wrote:

Starting to feel like I'm just with this guy who is crazy about me for the sake of it...I mean i like him alot and I can see a future together at a stretch, but right now it just feels like we're together for the sake of being together...

Anyone else had a similar exp.?

Are you on the rebound?

I went out with a guy for a bit last year and although he was a lovely guy and was really into me, my heart wasn't in it and in the end it all fell apart.

Hang in there a bit, you might come to realise how much he means to you but if you don't just let him go.

Former Member · January 2007

I did in a way. Split up with my ex, felt really lonely, got back together. Split up again, and got back together, then split up with him so I could persue my current bf. I obviously wasn't fussed about being with him, but I viewed being with him as being preferable to being alone.

Former Member · January 2007

Wasn't on the rebound, but it just feels like the passion and fun between us is fine, but everything else is so blah *sigh*

**helen** · January 2007

foxysoxy wrote:

Wasn't on the rebound, but it just feels like the passion and fun between us is fine, but everything else is so blah *sigh*

Are you saying there is passion and fun but other things are not so good? If that is what you mean, we might be able to offer more help knowing what the other things are? If you don't mean that at all then I think I'm slightly confused.

ETA: Perhaps you just feel that you're not ready to commit to a relationship and feel you could be doing other more interesting things with your time? I think what PK said makes sense

Hang in there a bit, you might come to realise how much he means to you but if you don't just let him go.

Former Member · January 2007

Depends what you mean. I've been with people where there's obviously no future but it's still fun. Not every relationship has to turn into the love of your life for it to be good. But then if he is expecting it to, then it's a problem.

Former Member · January 2007

No! Life's too short.

Being with a bloke who is crazy about you should be wildly fun and exhilirating and make you the happiest person alive. The fact that it doesn't [and that his "craziness" about you is being held in a negative light] speaks volumes. You don't have to settle for someone with whom you can see a future "at a stretch", you're not doing yourself justice if you live that way... and it's not exactly fair to him either.

Former Member · January 2007

If he likes you a lot and you're not fussed then you should end it, really. Especially as you seem to be taking his interest in a bad way.

Former Member · January 2007

The score is we've been together for a while now, not too long, but its feels like a long time. We have fun most of the time, but its got run down with routine and mudaneness (is that a word? dont care- it is now). He's a lovely man, but i cant help but feel like im with him for the sake of it some of the time when I talk to other people about their relationships. How they're doing things together (other than watching tv), and enjoying the relationship alot.

He doesnt want me to save up for a flat because he's supposed to be getting a place, and wants me to move in, but sometimes he just wont get off his arse and push things forward.
He's a pie in the sky kinda guy (oooh check out that rhyming), he wants loadsa things, but wont make the effort to get them. I've told him all this, but its just excuses. For example: He has no job, and complains about no money. I suggest that he go onto Jobseekers while he searches- he said no because he's living at his parents, and plus he doesnt know how to work computers. He has depends on other people to hook him up with jobs and get him applications and all sorts, but wont go and use resources.

It really drives me up the wall because everything is lumbered on me and thats when the routine comes in.
I'm having to pay for everything everytime I'm going crazy and want to go out somewhere with him, i'm ending up skint or we dont go anywhere for months on end besides mine, his or his sisters.

I feel bad though because even though through all this bullshit, he's always been there for me when I was depressed and going through some shit. Now that he's going through it, I feel like im being a coward for feeling like I want to back away.

I do really love him and besides from all of this, its been great. The feelings for each other haven't really changed, and the prospect for the future is there and waiting, but this its all kinda fucked right now...

Former Member · January 2007

Sounds like the kinda relationship where you meet, and he seems really interesting and fun, and sure, he doesn't have a job right now, but that doesn't matter because he's got all these exciting, interesting things that he's planning on doing. And then after a while together, you realise that he's not actually doing anything to make anything happen for himself, and he's perhaps not as exciting and interesting as he first seemed? Is that about right, or is that a bit harsh?

Former Member · January 2007

I see, it's a difficult situation but he's only going to come to rely on you more and more as time passes and you stay there by his side without his actually having to make any effort whatsoever either in the relationship or in any other area of his life. He sounds like he might be depressed, or at least that he definitely lacks the basic motivation that most of us have to get a job, move out of the family home etc. So I can see why he may be wanting to spend time in the house, not be very exciting or spontaneous etc (also a financial issue, of course) but that ain't your problem at the end of the day. You're young, you shouldn't have to stay home for the sake of his feelings or because you've spent all your money already on taking the pair of you out places. Relationships are supposed to be all about give and take; seems to me that it's take, take, whine on his part.

Sometimes you really do have to be cruel to be kind, so although this will sound dreadfully cold and bitchy I would give him the flick if that's what you feel will make you happy. Even if you don't, please don't let him stop you from saving for your own place... definite characteristic of a very downtrodden person is that they may try and drag you down with them. I mean, is there any realistic chance of him getting his own place in the near future, anyway?

Former Member · January 2007

I'm With Stupid wrote:

Sounds like the kinda relationship where you meet, and he seems really interesting and fun, and sure, he doesn't have a job right now, but that doesn't matter because he's got all these exciting, interesting things that he's planning on doing. And then after a while together, you realise that he's not actually doing anything to make anything happen for himself, and he's perhaps not as exciting and interesting as he first seemed? Is that about right, or is that a bit harsh?

Yeah in blunt terms that what its becoming...

briggi wrote:

Even if you don't, please don't let him stop you from saving for your own place... definite characteristic of a very downtrodden person is that they may try and drag you down with them. I mean, is there any realistic chance of him getting his own place in the near future, anyway?

Dunno, it all depends on how he wants to go about it. He dont wanna stay at his parents (understandably), but he just bitches. He did register as homeless when he had a fight with his dad, but they turned him down on medical grounds (which he didnt apply on- cheers tower hamlets), and now he's just even more sullen and depressed, with even less motivation to do anything.

I really do feel like giving him a kick up the arse, but its a situation that aint gonna get better quickly- its not like when he gets the place, he's magically happy again and our sex life comes back (seriously died when i was miserable, and has died a second death now he's depressed)...

Dunno what to do at all. I love him and wanna stick by, but its making me feel so shit about it all...

**helen** · January 2007

Now that I'm a bit clearer on the situation I'd say briggi has pinpointed some key things to keep close to your heart/to remember.

briggi wrote:

Relationships are supposed to be all about give and take

briggi wrote:

Even if you don't [leave him], please don't let him stop you from saving for your own place... definite characteristic of a very downtrodden person is that they may try and drag you down with them.

It's really important to keep communicating and don't bottle anything up. In terms of loss of sexual desire, this Q&A from the askTheSite archive - argued away desire may be relevant for you.

Former Member · January 2007

Giving him a kick up the arse sounds like the best option, tell him all you have told us, explain your situation and how you feel, then if he's still sitting on his arse and just complaining you know at least you gave it a good try.

Ever been with someone just for the sake of it?

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