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Job vs Fiance...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
... and before you say it listen to a few facts. I am not being harsh but need advice. Most would say its obvious "the one you love should come first".
I have been training for nearly 4 years at university - 2 years at sixth form I have worked so hard to be a teacher. My life has revolved around this training and opportunity to be who I want to be.
I met my partner over a year ago and when I got with him last January I made it perfectly clear that my course was so important and that when I qualify July 2007 I will need to look beyond Cornwall to find a job. All was well as he lied to me saying that he would like to move - get away - that his course finished the same year and that he would like to move so I can get a job blah blah (just a reason to get in my pants?) anyway few arguments later it comes out that he does not finish his course for a while and plumbing jobs are hard to get outside of Cornwall. So its either my job or his. I suggested moving away and getting a job and living apart (what a stupid idea - no caring partner would be pleased about parting to other ends of the country when we could easily negotiate. I can't get a job in Cornwall, he can't get one outside of Cornwall. So we are stuffed.
Basically I have tried for 6 years to get to this point and I love my partner to bits but the choice is hard. I cannot stand not having a job but we need to have a little give and take I am in thousands of pounds worth of dept and want to start paying it back.
What do I do?
I have been training for nearly 4 years at university - 2 years at sixth form I have worked so hard to be a teacher. My life has revolved around this training and opportunity to be who I want to be.
I met my partner over a year ago and when I got with him last January I made it perfectly clear that my course was so important and that when I qualify July 2007 I will need to look beyond Cornwall to find a job. All was well as he lied to me saying that he would like to move - get away - that his course finished the same year and that he would like to move so I can get a job blah blah (just a reason to get in my pants?) anyway few arguments later it comes out that he does not finish his course for a while and plumbing jobs are hard to get outside of Cornwall. So its either my job or his. I suggested moving away and getting a job and living apart (what a stupid idea - no caring partner would be pleased about parting to other ends of the country when we could easily negotiate. I can't get a job in Cornwall, he can't get one outside of Cornwall. So we are stuffed.
Basically I have tried for 6 years to get to this point and I love my partner to bits but the choice is hard. I cannot stand not having a job but we need to have a little give and take I am in thousands of pounds worth of dept and want to start paying it back.
What do I do?
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Comments
To me, it sounds like there are other underlying reasons (and not the job one). Why are you so adamant to leave Cornwall and why he is so adamant to stay?
Could you not supply for a bit while he finishes his course and then decide where you both want to go?
TBH: if you two can't sort this out like adults yourself, then you seriously need to be questioning your relationship, which I guess you are, but none of us have the answer.
It's a shame, a lot of relationships go down the pan this way because people are selfish/stubborn/immature.
Either you two live in Cornwall and one commutes out to work or you live out of Cornwall and the other travels in for work?
I don't want to leave I need to leave. I have known it since I started training down here - my mate got a first and it took her 18 months to get a job. IT the way it is - everyone wants to teach here.
A local school had 239 applicants for one job. I am only going to get a 2/2 degree - I don't want to recieve handouts I need to be willing to move. And when we got together he was more than willing to. He will qualify in a year but is not ready to move for a few years so he says. But he is happy for me to move away and him stay at home.
Believe me moving from my family would cut deep but it has to be done after I have worked so hard for so long. My life has been on hold for 6 years I now want to work and give something back to society. Supply is all very well but even then with no guarantee of work one week I could work 5 days a week the next could only be half a day. I could go weeks without any work. I need a reliable income to survive. Every county needs plumbers!
I agree with Fiend. And, tbh, that is a bit of a cop out answer too IMHO.
I am a teacher and I live in an area of the country where it is difficult to get a job. I am doing supply and thoroughly enjoying it. By doing supply you get a foot in the door at a lot of schools so when permenant jobs come up (which is very rarely as teachers don't often get permenant contracts anymore - they are employed on a year by year basis but that's another story) you are more likely to be considered.
Don't diss supply. If you get into a long term supply contract, which comes up in areas where there are no teacher shortages too, then you earn more than you would as an NQT. I am working as a float teacher, 3 days a week minimum and I get more at the end of the month than my friend who has a FT NQT position.
To me, it still doesn't add up.
Then you need to tell your other half this. And if a compromise cannot be made then that's the end of it all tbh. I can't see any other way around it tbh.
A similar situation happened to me in the past, my fiance at the time said he would move to Cardiff to be with me and then changed his mind leaving me in the lurch.
It's a big ask to expect someone to move with you but you have to live your own life.
He might resent you if he moved and didn't want to.
It's a hard situation to be in but if you are really meant to be together it will work out.
I can see where you are coming from that there could be too many people qualified as teachers in Cornwall. It's hardly a densely populated county, and so I agree that you would do best to move from there as there will be finite places available. There is a hell of a demand in London for teachers right now...
To be honest, I feel that a move would probably do you well as getting to a place where you don't know seemingly everybody is a good thing in my books.
Perhaps this is an indication that this is not the person you're meant to be with. Perhaps not, but........ There is no way I would "force" somebody to move, as he obviously has changed his mind, but also, I would personally still make the move myself and not allow this to hold me back when attempting to get a career started that I have spent so many years training for. You're in your early twenties, *plenty* of time ahead of you to meet somebody else if it doesn't work out.
Maybe you should question him as to why he was so keen to move and suddenly now changed his mind, have you done that? Maybe there is something he is hiding from you that is making him want to stay or maybe doesn't see a future with you anymore.
It could just be as simple as that - he doesn't want to leave what he knows!
Yet again, a perhaps: perhaps you both just have different aims/goals in life and so may not be compatible in the long term. Possibly better to find out now rather than later.
Thanks you seem to know what you are talking about. The geographical situation I am in is limited I live in an area where schools are the nice little rosy village schools everyone seems to want to work in. Train links and public transport are unreliable - I waited over an hour today for a bus - 2 didn't show, it has been like that for years and I can't see it getting much better.
Even Sheffield a place where teaching jobs are hard to come by the rail links are reliable/regular one train a day from some of the towns in Cornwall is hardly going to help me commute. The people and advisors at the carreers fair said to me today that if you aim to stay in the South West you are unlikely to get a permanent job, and supply is highly unlimited (which I know - my mate spent most of her year after uni struggling needing goverment handouts)
I am not dissing supply teaching I never said it was a bad job but in this area its not a reliable route to take. I have paid the full fees at uni for 4 years and am in massive dept, one day I want to settle down but working 1-3 days a week one week and none the next will not help me. I would love to get a regular set up but even supply teaching is hard to get down here.
The only unfair thing out of all this is that my partner knew from the beginning what he was getting into and was desperate to move. I just don't think his parents want him to go. There is a hold on him from someone. He would be quite happy to let me go but stay.
I can't move away without him, but I don't want to finish the relationship. I just don't know what to do. I need a permanent relaible job and if I can't get that through teaching I need to give up my dream and find something else. many of you have made it clear that I need to be less selfish. Personally I am slightly miffed that he has suddenly changed. I don't think I am being unreasonable I made it clear from the beginning what my 'priorities' were. I am happy to meet him half way but he has not even tried to look at other companies.
Strange isn't it.
I cannot imagine staying in the same place forever, yet only a couple of weeks ago I was back Ooop North (Bradford) for the weekend and was at a family bash. Female cousin, 22, getting married next yet - yet just doesn't even want to leave Bradford (which is hardly a small town at around 500,000), visit anywhere, travel etc etc etc etc
Just seems such a "Northern" or "small town" thing to do. I can never get my head around it...
Well I seem to think either his parents have a hold on him or the girl he used to fancy has reappeared. Who knows. Many things are a mystery to me these days.
I am expected to give up enough for him but he seems to go out when he likes, go away when he likes he has a life that he is allowed to live - I do not!
Things have been slightly rocky for a while but maybe I just have to live with it!:grump:
If I recall over the last few years you've been in this position a couple of times - in a relationship where you seem to be the half that "caves" and has the tougher deal and the other half seems to half the run of the town... Am I right?
Perhaps (yet another!
Honey - it sounds like you're being used as such a doormat and you're playing the "good little woman". Pack it in.
If you want to go out, bloody well go! I bet he wouldn't have any of it if HIS ex may pop into some place from time to time.
Not having an argument just for the sake of keeping the peace sometimes isn't the best option as he will have the upper hand and the "power" in the relationship. To me, that is NOT a healthy situation.
Sounds like you're pleasing everybody but yourself! :mad:
Firstly, you'll get more cash doing regular supply work than in a perm position. You might need a car to do that, but you might need that anyway.
Secondly, I'd say it'd be easier for him to get work as a plumber anywhere in the country than for you to get a job in the same place. Plumbers are still pretty much in demand, they can service a tiny area and get work.
I think your partner is being selfish to be honest. If you love somebody then you support them all the way and he doesn't seem that supportive if he knew you were moving away then makes up a bullshitty excuse not to go with you.
He should maybe be honest and say that he'd be uncomfortable moving away? I grew up in a town that's quite insular and never really went many places without my parents until I was 20 because it scared me.
Ended up going to Liverpool and Manchester with some maes though and then finally to university in London. As somebody has already said, it's about comfort zones.
But yeah, I'd go for the job. Relationships don't last forever, but opportunities to move around, meet new people and get a wonderful job can vanish in a heartbeat.
No you dont, or at least didnt, you do get paid more per day but you dont get holiday or sick pay. So if you work every day as a supply you should earn roughly the same as if you have a perm post.