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long term relationships
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi
not sure if anyone here remembers me - been a Looong time!
I am having a crisis. I have been with my BF for years, we have a house and a dog and cats etc. As some of you may know I have not always been happy. However I have struggled to make it work all these years and tried to convince myself that I can live without affection.
Until recently when I became involved with another man (Started as friends). This freindship has accelerated at such high speed that I now feel I have to end my relationship despite all the stress and upset it will cause for us both.
I don't know what to do - well I do know what I have to do - I have to end it with my boyfriend. But I am so scared. Any advice? Particularly about coping with having to share a house with my ex while we sort stuff out.
anyone done this?
Am I rushing things?
not sure if anyone here remembers me - been a Looong time!
I am having a crisis. I have been with my BF for years, we have a house and a dog and cats etc. As some of you may know I have not always been happy. However I have struggled to make it work all these years and tried to convince myself that I can live without affection.
Until recently when I became involved with another man (Started as friends). This freindship has accelerated at such high speed that I now feel I have to end my relationship despite all the stress and upset it will cause for us both.
I don't know what to do - well I do know what I have to do - I have to end it with my boyfriend. But I am so scared. Any advice? Particularly about coping with having to share a house with my ex while we sort stuff out.
anyone done this?
Am I rushing things?
0
Comments
I shared a house with my ex whilst we were separating, for 10 months. It wasn't a picnic, I have to be honest, and at times I felt like I was losing my mind. I spent ten months sitting in the kitchen basically, whilst he stayed in the front room. I'm glad I parted from him, but I wonder if I'd have done things diffrently if I had had somewhere else to go.
As for whether you're rushing things... only you can really know that. I'm inclined to think that it's probably just come to an inevitable end considering the things you posted before. If it's over, it's over, be honest with yourself. Reading between the lines it was over some time ago and this other man is just the catalyst that's spurred you on to doing something about it.
What exactly do you think you might be rushing, anyway? The split from your BF or the relationship with the OM? Sorry, I'm just not quite clear on that point.
As for advice about still sharing a house in the meantime.... how much is there to sort out? And is he likely to be reasonable?
As for helping with the stress of living with an ex, I don't have too much advice except don't do it for long.
hiya
wel - we are kind of at that separate rooms stage anyway. I am a bit worried about the fastness of the new relationship because although we have 'known' eachother for 15 months, a lot of that was through a forum (Even though we only live 10 miles apart) .. the last 5 months we've met a lot as friends, but then in the last 2 months it's become more intense. I do trust him and my instinct. I just worry a bit.
I am scared of the practicalities of splitting and the hurt I will be causing. And plucking up the courage, and whether to be honest about this other guy etc.
Yeah I agree. I don't know your story really and i'm not being personal, but it constantly amazes me how couples who are either not attracted to each other or not affectionate with each other at all or even dont like each other that much stay together for so long, just because they don't want to be single and out of their comfort zones again, or can't be bothered with the process of breaking up. Surely it's better to be happy, or find someone it does work with rather than stay in a pointless, unhappy relationship? Or am I completely missing something?
sorry - we're not in separate beadrooms but you could park a truck between us when we are in bed. We spend most of the rest of the time apart.
no this doesn't sound silly - do I do this before or after I tell him though
I think you are supposed to go together, so you have some structure to the process, and you're supervised.
Or they do see individuals.
Perhaps go by yourself for a consultation first - they'll soon tell you if they think it will be more constructive to have both of you there.
As to telling him before or after, I think that's something you need to decide for yourself.
I think its only fear of the unknown keeping you there, but you need to just do it and get it over and done this. You havent been happy for years, and if youve got a chance to actually have a bit of happiness in your love life then you deserve it. Theres no kids, so thats a bonus. Im not saying there will be no hurt there, but id say your partner probably isnt that happy either and this will be a relief for both of you. It just takes one of you with the most guts to actually admit its over.
is there a spare room you could sleep in while you sort out the house sale, or could one of you buy the other out?
Look at it this way, can you imagine yourself still in this relationship in 5 years? Or 10 years? 20 years? I think you know what you have to do.
i know this prob wont help but at least you have realised the truth now even if it has been for a long time. I cant give any advice really coz im in a 5 year realtionship and its fine. we have ups and downs like any couple but still totally in love deep inside.
Anyway when we did have one fight i did find it really hard to move into another room. i think maybe if you write down what you want from life now on......i find writing things down helps clear my head. you need a plan.
hes prob as unsure as you about what happens next. can you talk to him at all without fighting?
I know this has been dragging on too long and I should have had the courage to get out before now. It's a shame that my meeting someone else has kind of forced this. I am not sure if I should mention this other person, or if I should just tell him (boyfriend) I see no future for us.
I don't want to drag the other person into it but obviously he is the catalyst for all this, and My boyfriend may well ask if there is someone else.
Maybe I am freaking out about this so much it's stopping me from saying anything - and I really should just say it and get it over with.
He tried to get back with me several times but thankfully, I had the courage to turn him away. It was very difficult though. Still, it was the right decision and now, a year on, I'm so much happier and my life is so much better.
So like yeah, I agree with Sophia about that.
As for you Byny, theres not much I can add to what people have said but I'd just go ahead and do it tbh. Its obvious that you've made your mind. It will be hard for a while but afterwards you will be so much happier. Keep strong and keep smiling. Keep telling yourself that its for the best and that its what you want. And as everyone else has said, make sure that you let your friends help you.
Good luck
It's the fear of actually saying it out loud I guess. And then the dealing with attempting to be adult about it, splitting everything, selling the house, deciding on the custody of the dog.... though these things seem so insignificant to having the actual discussion.
My ex of 9 years split up with me 18 months ago and although it was HIDEOUSLY painful at the time, Im SOO glad he had the guts to do it, because Im pretty sure i would have plodded on being unhappy forever if he hadnt done it, and im a million times happier now than I ever was with him.
Theres no point in putting it off and putting it off if its inevitable anyway. Be with the one your heart is telling you to go for.
thanks. I know I will feel lods better once I have had the conversation.
Don't tell him there's someone else.
My ex was planning to split with me, but I found out there was someone else first. I'm still struggling to cope with the idea of another relationship, that my trust was betrayed so much. I'd have rather her be up front and say 'I think our relationship has come to an end'. Or something like that.
Anyway, best of luck you know it's the right thing to do. Just think of all the opportunities you'll have when he's behind you.
Yes, thankyou for asking. Have you?!
:yes: definitely.
I think you've been really brave, byny. Don't go thinking that just because it's what you want, it'll be easy, cause when your whole life is tangled up with someone else's that way, it's always going to hurt to rip yourselves apart.
Also don't be ashamed/worried about this new guy. It might last with him, it might not. The point is more that if you can feel that way about another person, maybe it's time to move on.
Got my fingers crossed for you from here on, anyway.
it hurts me to see him so upset, yet I have not shed a tear