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My head's spinning - please help :-(
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys. Ok so I didn't think I'd be back on here - not so soon anyway, but I have (yet another) problem.
For those of you who've read my previous posts, I'm still with Phil. He's cut Wendy out of his life (deleted her number, told her not to contact him etc), although she did phone him the other day out of the blue, to tell him that morrissey was touring next month. He said "yes I know, my girlfriend told me - I'm in the pub now with her and my friends", then sent her a text telling her he was "happy now" (she replied, saying that she was glad and she's met a 'gorgeous new bloke'...blatant lies to get a reaction but it didn't work, cos Phil just texted back with "good. Watch how you go", and she hasn't been in touch since. Yay!). Anyway I'm having problems getting over what happened in the past.
Phil has changed; he's much more affectionate - in public and in the house, we chat and joke around much more than we used to, go out together (to the pub or wherever) lots more and he's ok with me going out with his friends on my own - oh, and he doesn't sleep on the sofa anymore!
So yeah, it's got better - but I get moments (at least twice a day) where I'll look at him and think about Wendy and that whole situation - he's told me that he realises he was a knob before and didn't appreciate me as much as he should have done, and that when he hads to 'choose' between me and Wendy it wans't a choice at all, because he knew he wanted me.
Sounds good, but the Wendy thing is literally on my mind 24-7. Recently I've been picking silly little fights or moving away when he tries to cuddle up in bed, because I'll be thinking about how he told another woman he loved her (whether he meant it that way or not; he says he didn't and was just saying it to please her) - I even hate the fact that she knows he loves Morrissey, which is stupid because everyone knows he loves Morrissey - he plays it in his car at full blast on his way home from work at 1am! :razz:
Like I said, my head's spinning - even though nothing happened between Phil and Wendy, not even a kiss (they've both said that), I still consider what he did as cheating. Am I being stupid/unreasonable, and should I just get over it, put it out of my mind, trust him and stop throwing his mistakes back in his face? Or is how I'm feeling normal?
Please reply asap x
For those of you who've read my previous posts, I'm still with Phil. He's cut Wendy out of his life (deleted her number, told her not to contact him etc), although she did phone him the other day out of the blue, to tell him that morrissey was touring next month. He said "yes I know, my girlfriend told me - I'm in the pub now with her and my friends", then sent her a text telling her he was "happy now" (she replied, saying that she was glad and she's met a 'gorgeous new bloke'...blatant lies to get a reaction but it didn't work, cos Phil just texted back with "good. Watch how you go", and she hasn't been in touch since. Yay!). Anyway I'm having problems getting over what happened in the past.
Phil has changed; he's much more affectionate - in public and in the house, we chat and joke around much more than we used to, go out together (to the pub or wherever) lots more and he's ok with me going out with his friends on my own - oh, and he doesn't sleep on the sofa anymore!
So yeah, it's got better - but I get moments (at least twice a day) where I'll look at him and think about Wendy and that whole situation - he's told me that he realises he was a knob before and didn't appreciate me as much as he should have done, and that when he hads to 'choose' between me and Wendy it wans't a choice at all, because he knew he wanted me.
Sounds good, but the Wendy thing is literally on my mind 24-7. Recently I've been picking silly little fights or moving away when he tries to cuddle up in bed, because I'll be thinking about how he told another woman he loved her (whether he meant it that way or not; he says he didn't and was just saying it to please her) - I even hate the fact that she knows he loves Morrissey, which is stupid because everyone knows he loves Morrissey - he plays it in his car at full blast on his way home from work at 1am! :razz:
Like I said, my head's spinning - even though nothing happened between Phil and Wendy, not even a kiss (they've both said that), I still consider what he did as cheating. Am I being stupid/unreasonable, and should I just get over it, put it out of my mind, trust him and stop throwing his mistakes back in his face? Or is how I'm feeling normal?
Please reply asap x
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Comments
Oh and as much as you may feel like punishing him/withholding affection from him, please don't move away when he cuddles up in bed, that is such a petulant and hurtful thing to do. Especially when you see it as some way of saying "see, you hurt me and now I can hurt you" because of things in the past that he can't rightly change now.
You obviously consider her as a serious threat since she worries you a lot. I can understand the thought you might be having; maybe he did consider her once, she slept over at his house (just something plantonic) and they are similar ages.
I don't know everything but from what you wrote it appears his life has been "transparent" regarding Wendy. Breaking off contact with her. I'm not sure what more you can expect, do you suspect something? You should be very careful about your thoughts and subsequent actions - don't go into "self destruct" by making Wendy into a problem between you.
You should ultimate avoid this being a self fulling prophecy. I think you should try to think why you feel this way, do you normally have trust issues?
Which is it that you want?
It does seem like he's changed a lot, but the cynic in me is wondering why - especially as a few weeks ago, he said "you'll never change me, no one can". I've asked him about that and why the sudden change - he said that he didn't think he ever would change and he don't know why he has now, but it's happened and he's happy.
People get over a lot worse in their relationships and ca be happy, but plenty of peple break up over less too, and that can also be the right thing too!
I really didn't expect him to change as much as he has; I know he's really worked at it - much more than I have, which makes me feel bad (I've been a bitch towards him over the past couple of weeks, whereas he's been making an effort not to argue with me, and taking all the crap I've thrown at him really well). So yeah, I think it really could work out - I just need to learn to trust him, like you said.
He hasn't given me any reason not to trust him recently.
Thanks for the advice